I need to stop reading so many murder mystery books because all I can think to compare myself to right now is someone who was buried alive and is crawling out of the grave – believe me, not as grim as it seems.


These past two weeks have run me through a gamut of emotions, but I do feel like I am out of the hole I was buried in with maybe just a foot left in there.

Mentally, I am feeling better – especially taking my Lexapro at the same time EVERY day…yes, I must admit I wasn’t taking it daily – dumb I know. Again, it was one of those things I thought I could power through. I also made a therapy appt for November 8th, so I am hoping that will add to my arsenal of defenses against this.

I was told today that I have to get a blood transfusion tomorrow because my red counts are so low…not really how I want to spend 6 hours of my Saturday, but from what Eric and Gina have told me from what they have read, it should really help with my energy levels…here’s praying for that.

These last few weeks have been a roller coaster of emotions, but I do finally feel like I am back to a place of hope and desire to continue on with this cr*p. I have had some wonderful days with Ian, and those are the days I need to hold tight to when I am feeling down – unfortunately those aren’t the thoughts that come through when I am feeling down…the mind is a tricky thing and likes to play mean tricks.

Please continue to pray us…pray that the blood transfusion is easy and does give me the energy boost I so need, for Eric, and for Ian to continue to be a healthy and happy 4 year old.

This past week was a tough week for me – very tough.

My fatigue seemed to take on a new life of its own and my mind wouldn’t turn off so when I was trying to rest, I wasn’t able to.

I realized something this week though – I think depression has set in more – which is such an weird thing because I all I want to do it think of my last CT scan and the wonderful words on it, but I still have these hopeless feelings, lack of desire, and a sadness – crying at the drop of a hat.

I know, it would seem that I could easily chalk these emotions/feelings up to chemo, but I have been depressed before and this feels all too familiar.

I am going to find a talk therapist and talk to my oncologist to up my lexapro.

Going through this makes me wonder though – how many times does a person going through chemo or any major illness become depressed and it gets does get chalked up to chemo side effects?

Feeling depressed sucks. I tried to tell myself I could snap out of it or to stop feeling sorry for myself, but I know this is something I can’t just snap out of on my own…just like I can’t make my cancer go away without chemo.

A walking zombie…

Is what I have felt like most of the week – or what I assume a walking zombie feels like? It seems no matter how much I “rest” I am still exhausted – not tired enough to sleep but too tired to actually do anything else. I have been on the verge of breaking down most of week – these are the days when I question how much longer I can stay on chemo and feel like sh*t?
My blood work yesterday showed that my nuetrafills are super low – almost none existence...they were .3 and 1.5 is actually the lowest they like them to go…so pretty much right now I have no immune system which makes total sense when I feel like sh*t. Lisa, the nurse prac, and Lauren, the research nurse, came over to talk to me after my counts came back so low. They lowered my actual chemo yesterday in hopes of helping my body bounce back. Lisa also told me any sign of fever to call them immediately and to just lay low this weekend. Lauren and I talked too – I asked her if she knew about other patients on the trial and if they were able to just do the parp and no chemo if they came back NED – she said yes she did and the trial takes it all on a case by case basis. I do believe God sent me her to talk to yesterday and tell me that because I was starting to get a hopeless with the thought of this current chemo going on forever. I know nothing is set in stone and it all depends on my PET scan, which is scheduled for November 9th! I am trying to keep my mind off of it and still take this all one day at a time – much easier said than done!!

Yesterday was a long day – I got there at 8:30 and left at 3:00 – it was a zometa day and with all the blood work coming back bad, that added time too for them to figure it all out.

I feel a little broken down from this week…I am really praying that the nuelasta shot on Monday helps me bounce back….even if it is just a little.

It is weird to feel this broken down with the great news from last week, but I guess my counts don't care what the great news was.

A modern-day miracle

I know a lot of people don’t believe the same as I believe….that God has a hand in everything. I do believe this and that is why I struggle so much with what has been going on. Though lately, I have started to believe more even though my circumstances were still the same....I still have cancer and chemo still sucks. 
A lot has happened leading up to this moment – yes I will write the whole story soon. But the jist of it is, I found this book that was sent to me with the go around with cancer. “Grace for Each Hour” by Mary Nelson…and honestly, I am not sure who even sent it and no one really seems to know if they sent it to me or not when I ask.

I am not sure when – maybe two months ago, a month ago, when? I had a very strong urge to start reading this book. It has spoken to me in ways I didn’t know I wanted/needed to be spoken to.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plays for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. In those days when you pray, I will listen. If you look for me in earnest, you will find me when you seek me. I will be found by you,” says the Lord. “I will end your captivity and restore your fortunes. I will gather you out of the nations where I sent you and bring you home again to your own land.” Jermiah 29:11-14

This was one of the many passages that began to take root in my heart, bring me peace and hope again, acceptance the no matter how much I didn’t understand/want this situation that I had faith in the outcome – whatever it was to be. This book changed the way I started praying. I started praying for help – flat out help with whatever it was that I needed helped with; I prayed for help in surrendering, for help in listening to Him, for help in faith, for help in acceptance – I was done praying for me to be cured, I was done praying for me to understand the why in all this, I was done praying asking if He was mad at me – I was done praying about my cancer and started praying with a true abandonment of me…in a weird sort of way – I was praying to be closer to Him…not because I am sick but because that is what I wanted.

Marci told me a few weeks ago I seemed at peace and that is when it hit me – I am at peace. I guess I handed it all over to God without me really knowing that I did.

So back to my modern-day miracle – that I do believe my heart changing in the way it has was a huge part of it happening when it did – now.

My CT scan from last week showed “no evidence of metastatic disease” – which means that for all purposes my cancer is in remission – which is a true miracle. I have been longing to see those words since this whole ordeal started again in March. I will long to see those words forever from every scan I ever get.

I also found out yesterday that the trial I am in is now closed to new people – more proof to me that God had His hand in this at all times – if the first chemo drug hadn’t stopped working how it did, who knows if I would have been able to get into this trial – the trial drug that Eric has said all along his felt was the drug I needed to be on.

But back to chemo – I still have to stay on chemo for “a while.” I have a PET scan at the first of November which will show a bigger picture (and the stuff in my bones) and if that comes back as clean as the CT, well I am still not sure what we will do. For right now, the only way to get the parp is to be on chemo because it isn’t FDA approved. And, we all want me to keep getting the parp so for the time being I will still be on my Friday/Monday schedule for two weeks on and two weeks off.

Thank you all for your support through all this. It does mean so much to me.

Please pray that I always see those words, “NO EVIDENCE OF DISEASE” from now on, on all my scans. Please pray the parp is approved soon. Please say thank-you to God for this miracle.

I do know all your prayers help – it helps me to know that you are all out there thinking of me and my family.