Saturday, October 1, 2011

A modern-day miracle

I know a lot of people don’t believe the same as I believe….that God has a hand in everything. I do believe this and that is why I struggle so much with what has been going on. Though lately, I have started to believe more even though my circumstances were still the same....I still have cancer and chemo still sucks. 
A lot has happened leading up to this moment – yes I will write the whole story soon. But the jist of it is, I found this book that was sent to me with the go around with cancer. “Grace for Each Hour” by Mary Nelson…and honestly, I am not sure who even sent it and no one really seems to know if they sent it to me or not when I ask.

I am not sure when – maybe two months ago, a month ago, when? I had a very strong urge to start reading this book. It has spoken to me in ways I didn’t know I wanted/needed to be spoken to.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plays for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. In those days when you pray, I will listen. If you look for me in earnest, you will find me when you seek me. I will be found by you,” says the Lord. “I will end your captivity and restore your fortunes. I will gather you out of the nations where I sent you and bring you home again to your own land.” Jermiah 29:11-14

This was one of the many passages that began to take root in my heart, bring me peace and hope again, acceptance the no matter how much I didn’t understand/want this situation that I had faith in the outcome – whatever it was to be. This book changed the way I started praying. I started praying for help – flat out help with whatever it was that I needed helped with; I prayed for help in surrendering, for help in listening to Him, for help in faith, for help in acceptance – I was done praying for me to be cured, I was done praying for me to understand the why in all this, I was done praying asking if He was mad at me – I was done praying about my cancer and started praying with a true abandonment of me…in a weird sort of way – I was praying to be closer to Him…not because I am sick but because that is what I wanted.

Marci told me a few weeks ago I seemed at peace and that is when it hit me – I am at peace. I guess I handed it all over to God without me really knowing that I did.

So back to my modern-day miracle – that I do believe my heart changing in the way it has was a huge part of it happening when it did – now.

My CT scan from last week showed “no evidence of metastatic disease” – which means that for all purposes my cancer is in remission – which is a true miracle. I have been longing to see those words since this whole ordeal started again in March. I will long to see those words forever from every scan I ever get.

I also found out yesterday that the trial I am in is now closed to new people – more proof to me that God had His hand in this at all times – if the first chemo drug hadn’t stopped working how it did, who knows if I would have been able to get into this trial – the trial drug that Eric has said all along his felt was the drug I needed to be on.

But back to chemo – I still have to stay on chemo for “a while.” I have a PET scan at the first of November which will show a bigger picture (and the stuff in my bones) and if that comes back as clean as the CT, well I am still not sure what we will do. For right now, the only way to get the parp is to be on chemo because it isn’t FDA approved. And, we all want me to keep getting the parp so for the time being I will still be on my Friday/Monday schedule for two weeks on and two weeks off.

Thank you all for your support through all this. It does mean so much to me.

Please pray that I always see those words, “NO EVIDENCE OF DISEASE” from now on, on all my scans. Please pray the parp is approved soon. Please say thank-you to God for this miracle.

I do know all your prayers help – it helps me to know that you are all out there thinking of me and my family.
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