First time back

I am writing this while I am sitting in a chemo chair receiving my chemo for nacreous in my brain.

Holley's passing knocked me over last night and even more so while sitting here. This is the first time I have been to the office since Holley has passed away.

I sat in the chemo chair and cried...it came out of nowhere and it hit me hard and fast.

My nurse who is also a good friend came over to hold my hand while I started to let my heart morn. 

My other girls knew it was my first time back, so they were ready to be there in case I broke apart. I so appreciate the love and support we are able to give each other without needing to explain what we are going through because the others are going through it too.

Blocked

I have been feeling so SO blocked when it comes to doing anything creative these past few weeks… I'd say it started around the first of December.

My art room/table is a complete disaster and I can't work until I clean it and I can't seem to find the ump to clean it.

It is really starting to depress me.

I wish I had a magic wand to wave over it all and it would all float into its perfect spot...all ready for me to create again.

Being as I know that won't happen, I have been looking for inspiration elsewhere. When I am stuck, always do better if I have a project to work on verses just creating. 

I was thinking about it a few days ago and it hit me...make a CancerGirl in memory of Holley. 

I will donate a portion of sales to her husband and boys.

I already know it will say "She lived the dash" and "Give Gid your weakness and He will give you His Strength."

Oh, I am excited to get started!!

Heavy eyes and a happy heart

My eyes are heavy from the tears they have poured today.

My body hurts from all the emotions that have flooded it the past few days.

My Spirit keeps lifting me up when I get a little too low any given day.

To sum it up, today was a beautiful experience of suck. 

The church was packed with Love...Holley's family and friends were there in force. Before I even walked into the sanctuary, I was invited into the private room where I heard a few people whom I never met told me how Holley talked about me and my sense of humor and that is what connected us...this is SO true. I must say I am honored because I always talk about her sense of humor.

When I walked into the sanctuary, I was immediately at peace because I laid eyes on those I knew and I knew loved Holley.

A hug here and there, I was a bawling mess. I had to hold tight to Eric to lead me through the crowd because with my numb foot, I don't navigate crows well.

Then I saw Dr. H out of the side of my eye heading towards me and I knew I was going to lose all composure. I did. She held me tight and let me weep onto her shoulder for an unknown amount of time.

I knew after that, I needed to set down soon as I was feeling sick to my stomach. As I sat these in disbelief, people kept coming up to hug me and give condolences. I didn't know what to say and still don't.  

It is all a fog.

The service was beautiful and filled with emotion. The eulogy was read by Terri Garcia and was more then perfect and the best eulogy I have ever heard.

The burial was beautiful as well.

I must share a story we (a group of us Lifers were texting about before the service). What if we were asked to be the pallbearers (our group)... I would be cussing about not being able to feel my leg, Kristie and Courtney would be sinking into the ground because of their heals, Kelli would be pulling up the rear in her wheelchair and our husbands would not know what to do with us. And most importantly, Christina would not know what do do with us, and Holley Kitchen would be up in Heaven laughing so hard at us and the clust f&ck we were making! 

To say the least, none of that happened and it all went just as planned.

After the graveside burial, many of us Pink Ribbon Cowgirls went to lunch to lean on each other for support. We told stories about Holley and each other and we laughed.

It was a hard hard day, but in the same breath it was a great day filled with love.

MRI

Sorry all... I got caught up in life.

I heard back from MRI that I had on Tuesday, and it has improved from the one 5 weeks ago!! 

I won't have all the details until Monday when I see my brain doctor...but improved is improved to me!

Emotions run high

Today brings an array of emotions.

Woke up to needing to leave the house 10 minutes ago for a follow up brain MRI because the one 5 weeks ago had something “funny” on it.

Then the news of what was going on yesterday slapped me in the face:

A really good friend of mine passed away last night at the ripe young age of 43. F*cking breast cancer. I am NOT going to say she lost her battle with breast cancer because honestly if I die of breast cancer and someone writes that about me, I will be back to haunt them!

Yesterday went like this:

I went to school to watch my boy receive 2 school awards (yes, proud mom!) then I went to the hospital where Kristie and I were meeting to try to help with Holley. We were pretty sure we wouldn’t be able to see her, but we were on a mission to go make our help available to the family.

I was right with the thought of not being to see her. I get it though…I get how she doesn’t want to see many people.  She wants to process this.  She wants time with her husband, her family…everything but there isn’t much time left.

Holley’s husband, sister and best friends were there. We all shared the moments of pain, but Kristie and I made it clear we were there to help carry the burden and not roll around in the pain that was all over the place.

So we did what we do...I tried to lighten the mood and Kristie stood strong in our mission of why we were there…to get shit done! So we got to work.

We took the daunting task of writing a Facebook post to let everyone know what is going on with Holley. You see, she has a following of supporters from the video she made a while ago to educate others about Stage 4 cancer and how there is NO cure.  All these people who she had never met fell in love with her…just like I did the first time we met. We felt an obligation to let her followers know and even more so her friends who have been trying to get information and her husband just didn’t have anything left in him to give.

She passed away early this morning.

I also had a best friend celebrating her 40^th birthday today. We all went to lunch to celebrate her.

Today has been hard.

Life is so precious…ups and downs are thrown at us all the time.  I used to stand still and let these hit me in the face and look around like I didn’t see it coming.  I know a lot of things we don’t see coming, but Stage 4 breast cancer has taught me I have to roll with it…it being life.  If we don’t, the world keeps rolling without us and that sucks worse (yes, I know from experience).

So to you my dear friends, please love hard every day and be grateful life is pulsing trough you.