My sweet Ian – on your 5th birthday

Let me go ahead and get it out of the way – I can NOT believe you are 5…seriously, can NOT believe it.  Where has the time gone?

As sad as I am that you are growing up so fast, I am all that proud and more of what a truly wonderful person you are and are continuing to become.

While over at a friend’s house the other day you were calling me mom instead of mommy, then you whispered to me that you will call me mommy in secret – at least you are telling me your secrets!

You have a wonderful outlook on life – one that is infectious.  When I tell you that you can do something for 10 minutes, you say, “well, at least it is more than 9!” And I always tell you that, “it is what it is” and one day you replied, “and it isn’t what it isn’t.”

You have a grasp on life much deeper than many adults I know.  You live with a joy from deep down in your soul.  You are so kind and caring to everyone.  I tell you if someone hits you that you are allowed to hit them back and 9 times out of 10 you don’t – you tell me you don’t want to hurt them back.  You teach so much everyday about kindness and love.

You quiz me and daddy about God and Heaven all the time and are starting to understand that God is infinite and His love goes on forever.

You asked me the other day if you were my everything – yes my sweetie, yes you are.

You continue to amaze me daily with your math in your head ability – you get that from me! The whole time we are driving, we are asking each other math questions. You have addition down, pretty much subtraction and we are starting to work on multiplication. You love math – love it.

You are really starting to be interested in reading.  You ask me specifically what everything says and are starting to sound out words.

Your teachers from pre-k and gymnastics tell me what a wonderful friend you are to all, how well you listen and follow the rules and how kind and funny you are!

You love performing magic tricks while daddy and I watch intently at all your shows! You haven’t figured out how not to tell the secret of the trick though!

You still LOVE when daddy gets home! By 5:30 me and you are ready for a little break and you are ready to rumble with daddy! 

You LOVE to play board games, and we spend a majority of our time together doing just that. Right now you love, “guess who” “operation” “memory” (which you honestly win at) and “connect four.” You are a gaming fool, but that is really ok with me! I don’t cut you any slack with the rules – sometimes you try to pull one over on me, but most of the time you do follow the rules and we are good to go!

You still love Skylanders and have collected them all. You are currently saving up money to buy the new giants game that comes out in October!

You are starting to like to play school – ninja school that is.  You like to be the master who teaches me how to do certain ninja routines – it is so funny watch!

I really can’t believe you are 5.  It is amazing to see what a wonderful person you have become in these past 5 years – I can’t wait to see who you are in the next 5 years.

I love you my sweetness.

Mommy

The aftermath…

While driving home from the funeral today, several things occurred to me:

We are a bunch of 30 and 40 year old people there to celebrate Kristi’s life – but the thing is – a bunch of 30 and 40 year olds shouldn’t have to be at a funeral of another 40 year old.  It was a heart breaking experience.

Seeing her life in pictures, hearing the thoughts of her loved ones makes me realize so much – the small things that we spend SO much time and energy on…DO.NOT.MATTER.

In the end – the stress we put on ourselves to have a perfect house, to have a perfect body, to have the perfect car – the standards we set for ourselves – none of it matters. When it is all said and done, the only thing that really matters is love – love for God, love for family, love for friends, love for each other.

And to see Kristi in all those pictures with her family and friends made me realize – our lives are one big series of stories that we should strive to share with each other.  Our lives are meant to be lived with family and friends.  Our lives are meant to be shared with each other.

I really want to look at the priorities I have had lately.  I want Eric to look at his. I want to remember to live and deeply love every day. I want to remember the precious gift God gives us to live with our loved ones and to cherish the time here and to love as much as I can.

The inevitable…

It happened – I didn’t realize how hard it would be to deal with – I didn’t realize how quick it can happen – I didn’t realize the hole that would be left in my heart.

I guess when I started making friends with a bunch of cancer chicks, I should have known it was inevitable….I should have known it would really suck, I should have known it would rip my heart out into a million little pieces, I should have known all the questions would instantly start playing in my head – why her, why not me, what about her family – her husband, her two little boys, why does my treatment work and not hers – the questions won’t stop.

I met Kristi after I was diagnosed the second – I was at Costco with Ian and my in-laws and someone comes up to me and asks me if I am Renee. I am sure the look on my face was a little taken back, but then she quickly explained she was a Pink Ribbon Cowgirl and well – I didn’t have any hair…I guess put two and two together and you get an odd meeting in Costco. We instantly hit it off. She was funny, friendly and kind – my kind of girl.

Then we got to know each other on a level not many people will ever know each other on – over many rounds of chemo.  Yes it is true, us cancer chicks really get to know one and other over chemo – we text each other to see if we are there at same time, we wheel our bags of chemo around the infusion room to chat with each other, we get to hug each other when we get a great scan, we are there for each other when the scan isn’t what we hoped and prayed for…all of this in this surreal room filled with disease and more love than one would imagine.

I was able to go see her in the hospital a few times – it was great to see her with her other friends, to see her as her – not as a cancer patient.

I didn’t get to say goodbye to her though. I was planning on going to see her tomorrow after my treatment as I was out of town until tonight…

It sucks. Cancer sucks. It is a real slap in the face – it is a real eye-opener…tomorrow is not a guarantee for anyone and it is heartbreaking.

To my sweet friend Kristi – I am sorry I didn’t get to say goodbye. I am sorry you had cancer. I am sorry it took you away from us way too soon. I am sorry to your sweet husband and precious boys. I am sorry to your family and friends who loved you so much. You will be missed and you are oh so loved and so many.