Friday, April 17, 2009

Radiation

Is a huge pain in my boob. My dr. told me yesterday that I need to take today – Monday off to hopefully let my skin heal. Right now it hurts so flipping bad, so on one hand I am glad to take a break but on the hand, I JUST WANT TO BE DONE! I broke down and took pain medicine last night so I could sleep – I really hate pain medicine. I was a blurry mess this morning when I woke up. If it weren’t for Ian climbing in bed with me and wanting to watch Sesame Street, I would more than likely still be passed out - which would not be a good thing. And to add salt to the wound, I am exhausted all the time. Whatever, I have to remind myself, this is almost over!
So with me being a complete downer here, I hope everyone has a great weekend!

Thursday, April 16, 2009

My heart’s song

I have tried to write this post for A LONG time – and I just couldn’t quite get it to where it made sense to me – I am here to try it again because it is something I want to put down in my memories…
What is your heart’s song – I heard this saying on Oprah when she was having her Soul Series in January. It was talked about by a terminally ill little boy (some of the details are foggy since it was SO long away) and I can’t even remember what his heart’s song was – but the idea behind it is to find your true meaning in life, your purpose, why you are here…when money is set aside, what would you choose to do with your life – how would you help others, how would you make this world a better place to live? It is a hard question to answer because it is scary to take money out of the equation – but one huge thing I have realized through this journey, money does not and cannot make me happy – yes, it makes life easier, but easy and happy are two totally different things. I did something yesterday that I believe is taking me one step closer to my heart’s song – I told Mary that I wouldn’t be returning to work. After a lot of thought, many talks with Eric, I decided my heart wasn’t/wouldn’t be in it and I have to be true to my heart.
Now, what is my heart’s song? I am not 100% sure but I think I am getting closer to figuring it out…don’t worry, I will let you know when I do! I know a huge piece of it is Ian. I don’t know if we will get another baby and I look at Ian and realize he is almost 2 years old and these first 2 years have flown by. I want to take every moment and be able to bottle it up as a memory (well, maybe not every moment – I can leave the fits!)
I want to leave my footprint on the world...I want to help people show their love for others, I want to show my love for others, and so much more. I have several ideas that I have started in order to do this and I will share them here once I have a better understanding of how they will turn out.
But for now, thank you all for everything you have given me the past 7 months, your words of love, encouragement, laughter have helped me through this more than you will ever know.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

SO close…

But so far away. Reality of my situation kind of smacked me in my face this morning.
I really over did it this past weekend and have been paying for it yesterday and today – paying for it as in needing 2 hour naps during the day and laying around the rest of time accomplishing nada. I still get so frustrated with myself when I do this – push too hard to get too much done and then can’t do anything because I have no energy. And, I got some possible bad news today – my dr. said we might have to hold off on radiation for a few days because my skin is really, REALLY burnt and it flippin’ hurts and itches. He gave me a compress to use a few times today followed by cream but the whole process takes around an hour of me needing to be topless and letting everything air dry. I am going to have to continue this regimen 2-3 daily until radiation is done. I will know tomorrow if I have to take a break or can continue and hopefully finish next Wednesday!
So to say the least, I am so tired of all this crap but am counting the days until I am done!..whenever that is going to be.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Pickin’ them up!

So, I must give a little back story here – I have never been that person to start conversations with others, especially strangers. I know a few people might find this hard to believe because I am rarely without something to say to those I know! Marci will talk to anyone and has made several good friends by starting random conversations with strangers and I always envied her ability to do this but I was never confident with myself to do this as she had.
Now I am not sure what has changed within me – maybe listening to authors off of Oprah’s Soul Series (Oh, this is GREAT stuff), maybe my new hair cut (crazy, I know but I do feel empowered by wearing my new do – I guess it shows I am not afraid to let it all hang out so to say), or just the thought of so what, what if it doesn’t work out the way I think it should – will it really hurt me? No, it won’t.
Okay, to the story now – I have been picking up moms at the parks and I LOVE it. I am stealing the term from Jenn, who picked up a mom at Chick-fil-a. I have decided I want to have a sense of community and really get to know these people I see almost daily at the park while I am with Ian and they are with their children, we say friendly hello’s but leave it at that. So, I have started conversations with them about their children, about if they stay home, all sorts of stuff that I don’t mind talking about and hoping they don’t either. Well, I have now given my number to 3 people and have gotten several numbers myself, which is just crazy to me. There are play dates all over the place here, small groups who meet at the corner coffee shop, vacation bible schools being planned… SO MUCH is out there if you are willing to look and more importantly, try!
I think Eric is getting a little annoyed with me lately with it all because he has had to come get me and Ian from the park when it is dinner time because we are just hanging out, talking, playing and the time gets away from us! I don’t really think he is annoyed, I know he is extremely happy with it all. The other day I was talking about ALL the things I want to do, and he looked at me and said, there’s my old Nay. So it is official, Nay is back!