Aches and pains

I get that aches and pains happen, especially when we get older, but man alive, you would think I just ran a marathon with how tired and achy I am.

We went to The Celebration Of Life today put together by ZTA and Seton Breast Cancer Center for a beautiful luncheon fundraiser. Granted we were there, walking, standing, mingling for an hour before it started, I am so exhausted now and my hips hurt something fierce.

I realize it takes time to build up my stamina and every time I do a little I get knocked back down to start, I just beg this is just a today set back... I so want just "today set backs" instead of week long ones. 

BUT if you were to ask me if I would do it again, 100% yes.

5 years living with Stage 4 Breast Cancer

5 years living with Stage 4 Breast Cancer

First in my lungs and bones, everyone except me knew what the statistics were on the likelihood of me surviving another 2 years…not very good.

I blew through my first chemo, and not in a good way.  It stopped working a mere 4 months in, and the breast cancer in my lungs and wrapped around a major artery.

On to the next chemo.  This cocktail came with a trial drug, a parp.  Eric had read tons of great news on the parp, and tons of not so great news, but it didn’t matter…I needed something new.

My first scan into this new threesome was something nobody was expecting…No Evidence of Disease. To see everyone was shocked would be an understatement…we were floored and confused by this.  This was not normal…AT ALL.  But looking at all this, I was never really a normal patient.

I rode this NED streak for almost a year…until the breast cancer moved to my brain. At the ER being told this news, I just looked at the ER doctor and still didn’t understand that it was breast cancer in my brain and not brain cancer. Honestly, I don’t think it would have mattered what it was they were telling me. Brian was all I heard…the fact was it was IN MY BRAIN and I had never been so scared in my life.

I felt that 26 month window closing on me.

After they sawed open my skull to get to the tennis ball sized sack of tumor, they stapled my head back together and said I was once again NED.

Something deep in me changed after this surgery…I didn’t know if I could continue on with this cancer crap anymore.

I did…until I couldn’t anymore. I had a nervous breakdown because I believed the cancer was back in my head.  I was hospitalized to let me rest and recoup. I got more of a grip on reality and was discharged from the hospital, but not before one more MRI. There it was again…the tumor was back in my brain.

I was out of the hospital for a week before I went back for the 2^nd brain surgery. This one took more than a piece of my brain from me. I honestly didn’t know if I could bounce back again.

Somehow I did, and life was kind of normal for 5 months until that all too familiar feeling hit me again.  And once again, I knew the tumor was back.  Once quick scan later, a good cry with Eric and my neurosurgeon, I was headed back into surgery a few days later.

I woke up from this one feeling different than I ever had…I felt like the tumor was gone for good!

Going on almost 3 years now with no visible cancer!

I can’t even say this is a short snippet of the past 5 years, because there are so many parts I have left out.

I know you want me to tie this up with some pretty pink ribbon so you can read some awe inspiring story of how life is great now after all that…I want to write that for you.  But more so, I want to write the truth and for now, this is my truth.

Some days are glorious. I am on cloud 9 about where I am and how far I have come.

Other days I struggle with body aches that turn my thoughts to when was my last scan? A never ending chemo fatigue, but Hope for my tomorrow to be better.

For my whole cancer story of the past 7.5 years, you can find it here in my book, "Renee In Cancerland"

http://tinyurl.com/m8kxnzr

The picture

I am pretty sure you have all seen this picture:

That turns up at the most random places.

But I am beginning to wonder if that isn't a coincident? 

For those of you who are new here, you might not know that I do believe God leaves little trails of breadcrumbs for us to follow when He wants us to figure something out.
I have always said I want to use this cancer for good BUT when if it has been right there in front of me this who time and I just never understood how to use it the right way?

I have always said I want to show others getting a Stage 4 diagnosis doesn't mean instant death.  It can, but doesn't always and no, I don't know the reason why.  BUT what if someone reads this or one of the articles that has used my picture and wants to find out more...what if that someone has a brand new idea of unlocking some of the Stage 4 mysteries?  What if?

I know it sounds like I am living in a wanderlust world, but aren't I already? I mean, I am coming up on 5 years being Stage 4.

New attitude

New attitude leads to new art!

I am getting back into my art with a new sense of enjoyment. 

I had brought myself down thinking about making art that would sale versus making art that I truly enjoyed making and I see so clearly now… You can tell a difference when I make a piece that I enjoy verses when I make something only for the sake of a sale.

I will always make CancerGirls (below is the one I made for Holley Kitchen which once I make prints of I will offer for sale) but I want to start doing clusters of Happy Art 

First time back

I am writing this while I am sitting in a chemo chair receiving my chemo for nacreous in my brain.

Holley's passing knocked me over last night and even more so while sitting here. This is the first time I have been to the office since Holley has passed away.

I sat in the chemo chair and cried...it came out of nowhere and it hit me hard and fast.

My nurse who is also a good friend came over to hold my hand while I started to let my heart morn. 

My other girls knew it was my first time back, so they were ready to be there in case I broke apart. I so appreciate the love and support we are able to give each other without needing to explain what we are going through because the others are going through it too.

Blocked

I have been feeling so SO blocked when it comes to doing anything creative these past few weeks… I'd say it started around the first of December.

My art room/table is a complete disaster and I can't work until I clean it and I can't seem to find the ump to clean it.

It is really starting to depress me.

I wish I had a magic wand to wave over it all and it would all float into its perfect spot...all ready for me to create again.

Being as I know that won't happen, I have been looking for inspiration elsewhere. When I am stuck, always do better if I have a project to work on verses just creating. 

I was thinking about it a few days ago and it hit me...make a CancerGirl in memory of Holley. 

I will donate a portion of sales to her husband and boys.

I already know it will say "She lived the dash" and "Give Gid your weakness and He will give you His Strength."

Oh, I am excited to get started!!

Heavy eyes and a happy heart

My eyes are heavy from the tears they have poured today.

My body hurts from all the emotions that have flooded it the past few days.

My Spirit keeps lifting me up when I get a little too low any given day.

To sum it up, today was a beautiful experience of suck. 

The church was packed with Love...Holley's family and friends were there in force. Before I even walked into the sanctuary, I was invited into the private room where I heard a few people whom I never met told me how Holley talked about me and my sense of humor and that is what connected us...this is SO true. I must say I am honored because I always talk about her sense of humor.

When I walked into the sanctuary, I was immediately at peace because I laid eyes on those I knew and I knew loved Holley.

A hug here and there, I was a bawling mess. I had to hold tight to Eric to lead me through the crowd because with my numb foot, I don't navigate crows well.

Then I saw Dr. H out of the side of my eye heading towards me and I knew I was going to lose all composure. I did. She held me tight and let me weep onto her shoulder for an unknown amount of time.

I knew after that, I needed to set down soon as I was feeling sick to my stomach. As I sat these in disbelief, people kept coming up to hug me and give condolences. I didn't know what to say and still don't.  

It is all a fog.

The service was beautiful and filled with emotion. The eulogy was read by Terri Garcia and was more then perfect and the best eulogy I have ever heard.

The burial was beautiful as well.

I must share a story we (a group of us Lifers were texting about before the service). What if we were asked to be the pallbearers (our group)... I would be cussing about not being able to feel my leg, Kristie and Courtney would be sinking into the ground because of their heals, Kelli would be pulling up the rear in her wheelchair and our husbands would not know what to do with us. And most importantly, Christina would not know what do do with us, and Holley Kitchen would be up in Heaven laughing so hard at us and the clust f&ck we were making! 

To say the least, none of that happened and it all went just as planned.

After the graveside burial, many of us Pink Ribbon Cowgirls went to lunch to lean on each other for support. We told stories about Holley and each other and we laughed.

It was a hard hard day, but in the same breath it was a great day filled with love.