Learning to live again

I like to reflect back on times in my life where some of my biggest lessons came from.

Throughout my life, I have watched a few of my closest friends struggle with anxiety and/or depression.

In my teens and early 20’s, I honestly thought that they should be able to think their way out of depression and/or anxiety...because, well they thought their way there SO why not be able to think their way out?!?!

BIG F-ing EYE ROLL 🙄 

BIG HUGE F-ing vomit on how I sat back and judged something I had zero idea about.

Oh...but I now know why too much about it .

The first time I noticed depression and/or anxiety in myself was when I was 23. I had moved to Austin from Amarillo with my then boyfriend. It was about a year after we moved that I couldn’t ignore the empty, lost, hopeless feelings inside of me. 

I went to the doctor that time because I had a massive spider bite that I needed her to look at, but as she was leaving the room, I blurted out that I felt depressed. She told me that me telling her this as she was leaving was what they called a “door knob” question (because I waited until she was at the door leaving to bring it up) and I needed to make another appointment so we would have the proper amount of time to talk about.

So, I went back the next week, and talked to her about what was going on and she agreed, it sounded like mild depression. She wrote me an Rx and luckily I started feeling better quickly.

However, I remember one of my friends telling me that it was weird that I needed to be on an Rx for depression because I always seemed so happy.

I still carry that comment with me. I still feel like I seem ok that why do I think I need an extra something??

Somewhere in my head, that comment got turned into, “Am I able to take care of myself? If I can’t take care of my thoughts, how in the hell am I supposed to take care of life?”

Crazy what my mind let me think.

I stayed on that Rx for about 2 years, until I felt more in control and able to keep it together.

From the ages 26 - 30 years old, I had a few panic attacks but I always was able to tie them to a certain something so I was ok with them...I thought it was normal to have these panic attacks because they were brought on by certain events.

At 30, I was diagnosed with breast cancer and somehow kept it together all through chemo treatment, but I cracked wide open when it was time to start radiation. 

I couldn’t find peace within me.

I couldn’t find trust with myself. 

I was a mess. 

My oncologist told me depression after treatment was all too common. She prescribed talk therapy and a Rx. I stayed on that Rx for about 1 year. At that point, I felt like I had a handle on my mental state and got off the Rx.

Then I was diagnosed with Metastatic Breast Cancer and I told my doctor that I knew I needed some help in the mental department too because I was spinning out of control.

Again, I started a new Rx for anxiety.

Over the past 8 years, I have had some massive anxiety attacks...MASSIVE. So unfortunately I am no stranger to out of control meltdowns.

But about 2 months ago, these anxiety attacks turned into a constant state of fear.

Loud noises. 

Crowded places. 

Driving. 

Making plans. 

Anything I perceived as chaos. 

It seemed like any little thing was ripping me apart. 

I tried every single trick in the book that has helped me before...nothing seemed to help.  The more tricks I tried, the bigger loser I felt like because nothing was working for me.

Being in this heighten state of anxiety was taking a massive toll on me...emotionally, physically, spiritually, mentally and probably many other ways I don’t even know.

It was taking a toll on my husband and son.

I lost count of how many massive meltdowns I have had in the past 2 months. But something in me clicked last week, and I decided that maybe my Rx needed to be changed.

I said a prayer asking for guidance on how to find the right psychiatrist for me. I didn’t want someone who would just give me an Rx... I wanted someone who listened to me, give me concrete things I can work on to help me help myself and to see if needed new Rx.

I LOVE asking Angels to help. I pulled up googs, typed in psychiatrist around me and boom, I felt drawn to a certain name. I called and he had an immediate opening on Wednesday! 

I went in with all my notes Eric and I had put together from the past 2 months and vomited everything out. After more than an hour actually talking, he decided switching my Rx was definitely needed. BUT he also told me that the Rx is only 25% of the puzzle. It is up to me to work with the other 75% of the puzzle. He recommended me doing cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). So off I went with high, HIGH hopes of something being able to change in my anxiety ridden state.

The following day I had an appointment with my regular therapist. I ran through everything with her and asked her about CBT and she laughed and said that was exactly what we were going to start working on! Again, this is where I believe Angels are totally involved with life when we ask.

We went through the steps/questions I am supposed to follow after a panic attack. 

Then we applied the questions to 3 of the most massive attacks I told her about.  She showed me how to ask the questions about the panic to myself.

I really feel like this method of looking into the panic to find answers is going to be great for me.

Then she asked me where I see myself in 5 years, and I panicked and started crying. I told her I have no idea because I any time I try to envision me in the future I can only seem to get to 2 years max.

Now I have lots of homework before my next appointment. Figure out who I am & who I want to be AFTER cancer.

I am excited to start down this path.