Monday, August 5, 2019

Learning to live again

I like to reflect back on times in my life where some of my biggest lessons came from.


Throughout my life, I have watched a few of my closest friends struggle with anxiety and/or depression.


In my teens and early 20’s, I honestly thought that they should be able to think their way out of depression and/or anxiety...because, well they thought their way there SO why not be able to think their way out?!?!


BIG F-ing EYE ROLL 🙄 

BIG HUGE F-ing vomit on how I sat back and judged something I had zero idea about.


Oh...but I now know why too much about it .


The first time I noticed depression and/or anxiety in myself was when I was 23. I had moved to Austin from Amarillo with my then boyfriend. It was about a year after we moved that I couldn’t ignore the empty, lost, hopeless feelings inside of me. 


I went to the doctor that time because I had a massive spider bite that I needed her to look at, but as she was leaving the room, I blurted out that I felt depressed. She told me that me telling her this as she was leaving was what they called a “door knob” question (because I waited until she was at the door leaving to bring it up) and I needed to make another appointment so we would have the proper amount of time to talk about.


So, I went back the next week, and talked to her about what was going on and she agreed, it sounded like mild depression. She wrote me an Rx and luckily I started feeling better quickly.


However, I remember one of my friends telling me that it was weird that I needed to be on an Rx for depression because I always seemed so happy.


I still carry that comment with me. I still feel like I seem ok that why do I think I need an extra something??


Somewhere in my head, that comment got turned into, “Am I able to take care of myself? If I can’t take care of my thoughts, how in the hell am I supposed to take care of life?”


Crazy what my mind let me think.


I stayed on that Rx for about 2 years, until I felt more in control and able to keep it together.


From the ages 26 - 30 years old, I had a few panic attacks but I always was able to tie them to a certain something so I was ok with them...I thought it was normal to have these panic attacks because they were brought on by certain events.


At 30, I was diagnosed with breast cancer and somehow kept it together all through chemo treatment, but I cracked wide open when it was time to start radiation. 


I couldn’t find peace within me.

I couldn’t find trust with myself. 

I was a mess. 


My oncologist told me depression after treatment was all too common. She prescribed talk therapy and a Rx. I stayed on that Rx for about 1 year. At that point, I felt like I had a handle on my mental state and got off the Rx.


Then I was diagnosed with Metastatic Breast Cancer and I told my doctor that I knew I needed some help in the mental department too because I was spinning out of control.


Again, I started a new Rx for anxiety.


Over the past 8 years, I have had some massive anxiety attacks...MASSIVE. So unfortunately I am no stranger to out of control meltdowns.


But about 2 months ago, these anxiety attacks turned into a constant state of fear.


Loud noises. 

Crowded places. 

Driving. 

Making plans. 

Anything I perceived as chaos. 


It seemed like any little thing was ripping me apart. 


I tried every single trick in the book that has helped me before...nothing seemed to help.  The more tricks I tried, the bigger loser I felt like because nothing was working for me.


Being in this heighten state of anxiety was taking a massive toll on me...emotionally, physically, spiritually, mentally and probably many other ways I don’t even know.


It was taking a toll on my husband and son.


I lost count of how many massive meltdowns I have had in the past 2 months. But something in me clicked last week, and I decided that maybe my Rx needed to be changed.


I said a prayer asking for guidance on how to find the right psychiatrist for me. I didn’t want someone who would just give me an Rx... I wanted someone who listened to me, give me concrete things I can work on to help me help myself and to see if needed new Rx.


I LOVE asking Angels to help. I pulled up googs, typed in psychiatrist around me and boom, I felt drawn to a certain name. I called and he had an immediate opening on Wednesday! 


I went in with all my notes Eric and I had put together from the past 2 months and vomited everything out. After more than an hour actually talking, he decided switching my Rx was definitely needed. BUT he also told me that the Rx is only 25% of the puzzle. It is up to me to work with the other 75% of the puzzle. He recommended me doing cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). So off I went with high, HIGH hopes of something being able to change in my anxiety ridden state.


The following day I had an appointment with my regular therapist. I ran through everything with her and asked her about CBT and she laughed and said that was exactly what we were going to start working on! Again, this is where I believe Angels are totally involved with life when we ask.


We went through the steps/questions I am supposed to follow after a panic attack. 

Then we applied the questions to 3 of the most massive attacks I told her about.  She showed me how to ask the questions about the panic to myself.


I really feel like this method of looking into the panic to find answers is going to be great for me.


Then she asked me where I see myself in 5 years, and I panicked and started crying. I told her I have no idea because I any time I try to envision me in the future I can only seem to get to 2 years max.


Now I have lots of homework before my next appointment. Figure out who I am & who I want to be AFTER cancer.


I am excited to start down this path.




15 comments:

mary johnson said...

ALL THANKS TO DR OSO WITH HIS HERBAL PORTION I WAS COMPLETELY CURED FROM BREAST CANCER. 
I'm here again to appreciate. DR OSO God will always continue to bless you more abundantly, for the good works you don in my life, I will always keep on writing good and posting my testimonies about you on the Internet, I’m MARY JOHNSON from TEXAS . I was tested breast cancer positive, I saw a blog on how DR OSO cured people with his herbal portion, i did not believe in natural medicine but i just decided to give him a try, I contacted him,and explain my situation to him,few day later he sent me the herb, after taking DR OSO  herbal medicine for few weeks i went to hospital for check up so luckily i was healed  with his herbal portion, i am so happy. If you have any type of cancer problem or you are also infected with any kind of disease, contact him drosohaberhome@gmail.com or call/whatapp +2348162084839 for advice and for his product,i hope this testimony also help some one out there ..
             here is the  dr website. https://sites.google.com/view/drosohaberhome/
His blog page https://drosohaberhome.blogspot.com
you can also email me for more info about DR oso  via maryjohnson9700@gmail.com     ALL THANK TO DR OSO .

Dr Edidia said...

Hello Everyone!
I am Dr Edidia, a traditional herbal doctor i have traditional herbal medications for CANCER, GENITAL HERPES 1&2 , HPV, COPD, HIV, HERPES,ALS, ANAL WART, HYPERPIGMENTATION, ,DIABETIC, Aggressive Systemic Masctocytosis(ASM) and all kinds of diseases or infections and other health threatening ailments, my herbal medication i prepare is 100% guarantee with no side effects, all 100% pure natural herbs and Roots, i assure you permanent cure once you take this herbs medicine no matter the illness my herbs will get you cure completely.
visit my website http://dredidiaherbalhome.weebly.com/ OR https://dr-edidia-herbal-home.business.site/also visit my facebook pages https://www.facebook.com/dredidiaherbs/?modal=admin_todo_tour OR  https://www.facebook.com/HIV-CURE-1359918664158191/?modal=admin_todo_tourmy Contact Email: dredidiaherbalhome@gmail.com
Call/WhatsApp: +2349074505296. 
Dr Edidia also has cure for the following disease:Herpes.
* Hiv*
 HPV*
 Candida*
 Cancer*
Fibromyalgia
* Endometriosis*
 Pemphigoid *
 Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS) *
Sarcoidosis *
Scleroderma *
Diabetes *
 ILD *
Glaucoma *
Primary Lateral Sclerosis (PLS) *
 Psoriasis *
 Celiac Disease *
ALS (Lou Gehrig’s Disease) *
 Ankylosing Spondylitis *
Autism Spectrum Disorders *
Behcet’s Disease *
Alzheimer’s Disease*
Chronic Fatigue Syndrome*
CREST syndrome *
 Crohn’s Disease *
Multiple Sclerosis (MS) *
Parkinson’s Disease *
Rheumatoid Arthritis *
Emphysema (COPD) *
Atrial fibrillation*
Thyroid/adrenyl *
Extremities Lymphodemia *
Stiff Person Syndrome (SPS) *
Systemic Lupus (SLE) *
Transverse Myelitis*
 Ulcerative Colitis *
 Wegener’s Granulomatosis *
Bronchiectasis *
Pulmonary fibrosis.

Visit Dr Edidia today for a life lasting testimonies.

Thanks
Dr Edidia

Prof. Saira said...

Hi dear its really inspiring to read your blog







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Jane wembli said...

I was diagnosed of ALS (Lou Gherigs Disease) in 2015, thedoctor told me there is no permanent cure for the disease, i was givenmedication to slow down the progress of the disease, at the initial stageit was not so bad till it progressed to the end middle stage were i haddifficulties going about my daily functions as i constantly felt weaknessin my legs, ankles and feet, i was totally devastated till my husband’sco-worker Mr Kenneth told us about a herbal doctor from South Africa whohave herbal medicines for all kind of diseases including ALS, when icontact this herbal doctor via his email, he sent me two bottles of ALSherbal medicine through courier service, when i received this herbalmedicine, he gave me step by instructions on how to apply it, when iapplied it as instructed, i was cured of the disease within 22-24 days ofusage. Contact this great herbal doctor via his email wealthylovespell@gmail.com or Whats App+2348105150446

He also have a herbal cure for Following DISEASES,this is not scam is 100% Real.

-PENIS ENLARGEMENT AND WEAK ERECTION-VIRGINA PROBLEM-WHOOPING COUGH- HEPATITIS B-FORDYCE SPOT-COLD SORE-ALS-LOWER RESPIRATORY INFECTION-LOW SPERM COUNT-MRSA(METHICILLIN-RESISTANT STAPHYLOCOCCUS AUREUS-ZIKA VIRUS-COPD-STROKE-IMPOTENCE-PILE-HYPERTENSION-LOW SPERM COUNT-MENOPAUSE DISEASE-ASTHMA-CANCER-BARENESS/INFERTILITY-PCOS-SHINGLES-VIRAL HEPATITIS/HEPATITIS B-FIBROID-ASTHMA-SICKLE CELL-TINNITUS-BARENESS/INFERTILITY-DIARRHEA and so on.

Unknown said...

Dr Oduku herpes treatment is one of the most effective home remedies for herpes which has the ability to kill the herpes virus permanently. I found out I had herpes 4 years ago. My first outbreak was definitely the worst thing I ever experienced. The bumps and blisters were swollen and red. I had a doctor give me Valtrex but I take the generic. I had to take the Valtrex 1 gram a day for about a week and I had another doctor prescribe me Acyclovir but that gave me the worst headaches ever, so I stopped taking it.after 2 year all that prove abortive the herpes was still there,
Since I was first diagnosed I have about 2 outbreaks a month. I have been able to cope with this by having supportive family and friends who look out for me,though it wasnt easy for me, one day i read a post by someone testifying about Dr  Oduku that she was cured totally using his herbal product, i decided to gave it a try, I contacted him as instructed in the testimony. i made request for the herbal medicine, he actually did send it to me and gave me the instruction on how i will use it,
The good news is this, i went to the hospital after the medication for test as instructed by Dr Oduku, i was tested negative, i was suprised finding out that am now herpes virus negative against my former result which was positive, Am happy to let the whole world know that today am free from this herpes disease,
no more outbreak, no more cold sores, excruciating pains, i will advice anyone reading this message  and needed a cure for herpes as well should please contact this Great Dr Oduku on drodukuherbalhealingcentre@gmail.com or WhatsApp +2348124765093

Visit his website: https://drodukuherbalhealingcentre.weebly.com

https://dr-oduku-herbal-healing-centre.business.site

https://drodukuherbscure.blogspot.com/

Dr Oduku is the best herbal doctor.


Here is my private e-mail tracylee688@gmail.com you can also get in touch with me.

Unknown said...

Dr Oduku herpes treatment is one of the most effective home remedies for herpes which has the ability to kill the herpes virus permanently. I found out I had herpes 4 years ago. My first outbreak was definitely the worst thing I ever experienced. The bumps and blisters were swollen and red. I had a doctor give me Valtrex but I take the generic. I had to take the Valtrex 1 gram a day for about a week and I had another doctor prescribe me Acyclovir but that gave me the worst headaches ever, so I stopped taking it.after 2 year all that prove abortive the herpes was still there,
Since I was first diagnosed I have about 2 outbreaks a month. I have been able to cope with this by having supportive family and friends who look out for me,though it wasnt easy for me, one day i read a post by someone testifying about Dr  Oduku that she was cured totally using his herbal product, i decided to gave it a try, I contacted him as instructed in the testimony. i made request for the herbal medicine, he actually did send it to me and gave me the instruction on how i will use it,
The good news is this, i went to the hospital after the medication for test as instructed by Dr Oduku, i was tested negative, i was suprised finding out that am now herpes virus negative against my former result which was positive, Am happy to let the whole world know that today am free from this herpes disease,
no more outbreak, no more cold sores, excruciating pains, i will advice anyone reading this message  and needed a cure for herpes as well should please contact this Great Dr Oduku on drodukuherbalhealingcentre@gmail.com or WhatsApp +2348124765093

Visit his website: https://drodukuherbalhealingcentre.weebly.com

https://dr-oduku-herbal-healing-centre.business.site

https://drodukuherbscure.blogspot.com/

Dr Oduku is the best herbal doctor.


Here is my private e-mail tracylee688@gmail.com you can also get in touch with me.

Dr Purva Pius said...

Hello Everybody,
My name is Mrs Sharon Sim. I live in Singapore and i am a happy woman today? and i told my self that any lender that rescue my family from our poor situation, i will refer any person that is looking for loan to him, he gave me happiness to me and my family, i was in need of a loan of $250,000.00 to start my life all over as i am a single mother with 3 kids I met this honest and GOD fearing man loan lender that help me with a loan of $250,000.00 SG. Dollar, he is a GOD fearing man, if you are in need of loan and you will pay back the loan please contact him tell him that is Mrs Sharon, that refer you to him. contact Dr Purva Pius, Email urgentloan22@gmail.com call/whats-App Contact Number +918929509036 via email:Thank you.

Dr Purva Pius said...

Hello Everybody,
My name is Mrs Sharon Sim. I live in Singapore and i am a happy woman today? and i told my self that any lender that rescue my family from our poor situation, i will refer any person that is looking for loan to him, he gave me happiness to me and my family, i was in need of a loan of $250,000.00 to start my life all over as i am a single mother with 3 kids I met this honest and GOD fearing man loan lender that help me with a loan of $250,000.00 SG. Dollar, he is a GOD fearing man, if you are in need of loan and you will pay back the loan please contact him tell him that is Mrs Sharon, that refer you to him. contact Dr Purva Pius, Email urgentloan22@gmail.com call/whats-App Contact Number +918929509036 via email:Thank you.

mofar said...

PM
I Want To Appreciate Dr.godwin for hs great deeds, I Was Diagnosed With type 2 Herpes Virus Last year,And Was Look For Solution To Be Cured Luckily I Saw Testimonies On How Dr.godwin Cure Herpes Virus I Decided To Contact Dr.godwin I Contacted Him He Prepared A Herbal Medicine Portion And Sent It To Me,I Started The Herbal Medicine For My Health.He Gave Me Step By Step Instructions On How To Apply It, When I Applied It As Instructed, I Was Cured Of This Deadly Herpes Within 2 weeks, I Am Now Herpes Negative.My Brother And Sister I No That There Are So Many People That Have There Same Herpes Virus Please contact Dr Goodwin To Help You Too,And Help Me To Thank Dr. GODWIN For Cure Me, I’m Cured By Dr. Godwin Herbal Medicine,His Contact Email: drgodwinsolutionhome@gmail.com

Or Cell Whatsapp Number +2348054615060 thank you .....

donald joe said...

i already gave up on ever getting cured of HSV2 because i have try many treatment none of them work out for me i have go to different hospital they always tell me same thing there is no cure for herpes when i came across a post about Dr ohunyom, in the net from a lady called Angela i contacted him and he reassured me with him herbal medicine which i took according to the way he instructed, that how i was cured. I doubted at first because i have been to a whole lot of reputable doctors, tried a lot of medicines but none was able to cure me. so i decided to listen to him and he commenced treatment, and under two weeks i was totally fee from #Herpes. i want to say a very big thank you to DR ohunyom for what he has done in my life. feel free to leave him a message on email drohunyom@gmail.com and also WhatsApp him +2349060579973..
He can still be able to help you with this herbs medicine:
1...ALS CURE/DIABETES CURE/EPILESY/HPV CURE/LUPUS/HEPATITIS/CANCER/GOUT   

james willian said...

Hello everyone! I don't just know the reason why some people is finding it difficult to believe that there is a cure for herpes, I have been suffering from herpes since six years with my wife but today I am happy that I have been cured from it with the herbal medicine made by Dr Ohunyom the great healer, I was browsing the internet searching for help when I came across a testimony shared by someone on how Dr Ohunyom cure Him from Herpes Virus. I quickly contacted him to get the cure and today me and my wife are now totally free from the virus, I am so much happy today that we have someone like this great healer out there,please sir keep your good work cause there are many out there who is in need of your healing medicine. Contact him now on his email: drohunyom@gmail.com or you can text him on WhatsApp : +2349060579973 and he also has the herbal cure for the Following DISEASES, eczema,urethra wart,chronic problems.Herpes, Cancer, Als,Hepatitis, Diabetes, HPV,Infections,ulcer ETC 

William Annie said...

I want to use this medium to testify of how i got back my ex husband after divorce, i and my husband have been married for 8 years with 2 kids, we have been a happy family. Last year his behavior towards me and the kids changed, i suspected he was meeting another woman outside out marriage, any time i confronted him, he threatened to divorce me, i did all i could to make hings right but all to no avail until i saw a post on a "love and relationship forum" about a spell caster who helps people to cast spell on marriage and relationship issues, when i contacted this spell caster via email, he helped me cast a re-union spell and my husband changed and came apologizing to me and the kids. Contact this great spell caster for your relationship or marriage issues via this email: chiefdrlucky@gmail.com or Whats App him on +2348132777335 Website : http://chiefdrluckysolutionhome.website2.me/ Good luck  

Joyce Benson said...

hello viewers all over the globe am very happy today to share my testimony
on how i was cure from HERPES disease, i have been suffering from herpes
for the pass 9 months which makes me had constant pain all over my body, i
have went to several hospitals taking treatment from doctors, but still
know improvement till i meet a old friend of mine who direct me to a great
traditional herbalist called Dr AKIOYA which i contacted by email so
luckily he reply back i explain my problem to him and he told me not to
worry that his going to prepare the herbal medicine and send to me which
will cure me forever, i believed in him, after all the procedures given to
me by Dr AKIOYA few weeks later i went to see my doctor to confirm if i was
finally cure, the result was positive am totally cured by this great
herbalist my life is more important now am free and happy if you have such
sickness or any kind of disease like HIV And AIDS, Diabetes, Epilepsy,
Blood Cancer, HPV, ALS, Hepatitis A/B, pregnancy issues etc contact Dr
AKIOYA details: akioya17spellhome@gmail.com or call +2348105257464 i will
forever be grateful
http://drakioyaherbalcenter.home.blog
https://drakioyaherbalhome.blogspot.com/

Amanda Bella said...

I Want To Appreciate Dr.OYAGU for hs great deeds, I Was Diagnosed With type 2 Herpes Virus Last year,And Was Look For Solution To Be Cured Luckily I Saw Testimonies On How Dr.OYAGU Cure Herpes Virus I Decided To Contact Dr.OYAGU I Contacted Him He Prepared A Herbal Medicine Portion And Sent It To Me,I Started The Herbal Medicine For My Health.He Gave Me Step By Step Instructions On How To Apply It, When I Applied It As Instructed, I Was Cured Of This Deadly Herpes Within 2 weeks, I Am Now Herpes Negative.My Brother And Sister I No That There Are So Many People That Have There Same Herpes Virus Please contact Dr OYAGU To Help You Too,And Help Me To Thank Dr.OYAGU For Cure Me, I’m Cured By Dr. OYAGU Herbal Medicine,His Contact Email:oyaguspellcaster@gmail.com

Or Cell Whatsapp Number +2348101755322 thank you .....

William Annie said...

I want to use this medium to testify of how i got back my ex husband after divorce, i and my husband have been married for 8 years with 2 kids, we have been a happy family. Last year his behavior towards me and the kids changed, i suspected he was meeting another woman outside out marriage, any time i confronted him, he threatened to divorce me, i did all i could to make hings right but all to no avail until i saw a post on a "love and relationship forum" about a spell caster who helps people to cast spell on marriage and relationship issues, when i contacted this spell caster via email, he helped me cast a re-union spell and my husband changed and came apologizing to me and the kids. Contact this great spell caster for your relationship or marriage issues via this email: chiefdrlucky@gmail.com or Whats App him on +2348132777335