Wednesday, June 24, 2015

It still creeps in

I hate to say this but as time passes by, I do forget large and small events of my life until something jolts my memory back to remembering…so, I guess “forget” isn’t the correct word.  I guess a better phrase would be, certain memories are on the back burner. 

Then BAM, Facebook tells me it is a birthday of a friend….but that friend is with the Angels now.  

She was my first Stage 4 friend to pass away.

We got to know each other as mommies who were trading Sky Landers for our kids…yes, it still makes me roll my eyes and smile at the same time thinking about what I did to get Ian the stupid Sky Landers that he wanted.  It was a way for me to make myself be “okay” with me having cancer…buy him off…yes I say that only half joking.

I met Dinora at a Pink Ribbon Cowgirls meeting. I was diagnosed Stage 4 and had become NED in my body all before she was diagnosed Stage 4 and soon after passed away.  I remember her calling me to tell me it was in her brain, and how scared she was and begging me to tell her what I did to get the cancer in my body to go away…

I wish I had an answer for her.

I wish I had an answer for all the others after her who have asked me the same question.

I prayed a lot.  But I know others do too.

I visualized the cancer in me being eaten like Pac Man.

I don’t know what made the cancer in my body go away and the cancer in others not?

Yes, I am still left with survivor’s guilt when I stop and think about it. 

Maybe survivor’s guilt isn’t the right word…survivor’s questions. 
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