Today vs Yesterday

I don’t know why I am still completely floored when I have an “episode” of head/body issues. 

I had an episode that started on Thursday night and it is still lingering today.

Thursday night I started to feel foggy in my head. I thought it was something in the air because it was 80 on day, then a wind storm the next, cold the next…the weather has been all over the place.

And yes, I am one of those who is effected badly by the crazy Austin weather.

I went to bed early on Thursday night hoping I just needed a little more sleep.

Friday morning the first signs of a migraine started, and I thought I could sleep it off.  After Ian left for school, I went back to bed to close my eyes…I woke up 2 hours later feeling worse.

I was getting panicky because I had SO much I wanted to be at this weekend: my friend’s memorial service, my nephew’s baptism and another friend’s remembrance ceremony.  

Yes, I have had 2 really good friends pass away in the past 3 weeks.

Friday after Eric got home, I crumbled…I think I was holding it all together to make it through this weekend and I couldn't do it anymore.

I was in bed all day Saturday…missed Janelle’s service.

I knew driving to Fort Worth wasn't going to happen without major repercussions for me feeling even worse after it was all said and done…missed my nephew’s baptism.

Sunday I thought for a ½ of second since I wasn't able to go out of town, I would be able to make it to a get together Genae…I wasn't.

I feel like I failed so many people this weekend.

Other girls who are in active treatment were able to make it.

So yes, I feel sorry for myself. I feel sorry for myself in terms of all the crap I am not physically able to do….or if I do them, I am laid up for an unknown about of time.

I know we are all different, I know I have been at this for over 5 years when I add up all the time I have been on some sort of active treatment but I am tired of being tired.

I am tired of feeling queasy if I don’t eat at the exact right time before I take my chemo.

I am tired of not being able to walk far due to my numb leg.

I am tired of not being able to walk up and down stairs without having to hold on to the side so tightly I am sure if I did fall it would come with me.

I am tired of assuming others look at me and wonder what my problem is because after all, I do look fine.

I am tired of going down the dark hole every so often like I seem to do.

I don’t what starts down the dark path because it is different every time.

This time it was 2 friends dying.  

I have to figure out another way to get my emotions out before they bubble over like this…but how? I hate talk therapy…I might need group therapy? I need something soon.

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Tuesday, Feb 24

Here I am today…after a great sleep, more tears, lots of talking with Eric and I feel myself walking out of the fog that has been hanging around.

I slept on and off all day yesterday.

I broke down and told my other cancer girls about me feeling so blah.

I told my mom about a small fight.

I stopped trying to hide my fear about me thinking my tiredness could possibly be another brain tumor.

I admitted just how numb my leg and arm were.

I laid it all out on the table and I feel better for it.

Today I get that my health is like nobody else’s – even my cancer friends are different than me.

Today I get that just because I don’t have active cancer, I can’t erase all that my body has been through in the past.

Today I am going to go with today.