Wednesday, February 25, 2015

Renee In Cancerland - book snippet

Sad with regret

Today while I was sitting at the oncologist waiting to be called back for my blood work I glanced over and observed a young women breast feeding her daughter in the waiting area.
It was bitter sweet moment for me.
I loved seeing this mother care for her child like this, but it also made me so sad.

So sad for so many reasons.
Sad with regret.

Breast feeding didn’t go as I had planned with Ian.  It was hard, and I wonder if I gave up too easily.
I was able to give him breast milk for 4 months but it took a lot of work. It was a daily challenge for me.
And at the time, it was just easier for me to pump and let Eric help with the night feedings. I had always said, with number two, I will try harder and not give up as easily.

But it hit me today, what if I don’t get a second chance?
What if I don’t get to make right all these decisions I made then?
What if I don’t get a number 2?
My heart broke as I sat there and mourned for the loss of what might never be.

But, that is a reminder for me today, tomorrow and all the days after, never say, I will do “it” next time. I have to do it this time because I might not have a next time.

A Fine line

I have noticed I walk a fine line.
A very fine line.
Between feeling great and doing too much and being exhausted.
I felt fantastic this morning and went over to help a friend make birth announcements, and to hold her sweet little babies.
I got home around 3:00 and totally crashed.
It is so aggravating to me to feel so good but not be able to do what I normally do.
I know I am on chemo treatment, but I don’t feel “sick”.
It is really hard for me to wrap my head around me being this tired. There are so many things I enjoy doing and want to do a little of everyday. But I literally can’t or I will crash and burn.

So here I am, like a zombie robot.
My body hurts from being tired.
I am trying not to beat myself up for being so tired when my boys get home, for me not unloading the dishwasher, for the pile of laundry sitting on the couch and all the other things I think I should be doing.
All at the same time, I am trying to understand this invisible line that seems to move up and down all the time.
That line.
That line that when I do cross over it, all the plates that I have piled up topple over and crash to the ground.

I will inevitably cross this line again during this whole treatment process because I am stubborn. I don’t learn things the first time around.  And I think I can do the same thing and somehow change the outcome. I need to understand the outcome will be the same if I push too hard. 

My book, "Renee In Cancerland" is at the printers!!!
I might have the eBook in a week or so?!?

I can say this is all very surreal to me.
I have started many large projects before but have never actually finished one - I guess in all honesty I have been scared...what if all the work I did doesn't matter to anyone else but me?

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