I overheard a conversation the other day that made me cry.
“I can’t believe you did that again”
“When are you going to learn what you can and can’t do?”
“Are we seriously talking about this again?”
“Great, now these pants don’t fit too”
I cried when I heard these harsh, cruel words escape out into the open.
These words escaped out of the mouth of someone I love so much, only to fall into the ears and heart of someone just as loved.
These words escaped out of the mouth of someone who lifts all others up – always telling others what they are capable of.
These words escaped out of the mouth of someone only to pierce the heart of another.
I cried for both of them.
I cried for me.
I cried for the me I talk to.
I wondered how it got to this point?
How it got to where these harsh-nasty words flowed all too easily?
How it got this point - to where she believed these nasty words?
How it got to where she could even speak these words?
How did all of this happen I wondered to myself?
How, I cried.
How could I, who encourages everyone around me to follow their dreams, lifts them up in their dark hours, reassure them that they too can get through the shitty chemo about to flood their bodies, who will sit and laugh or cry with you for as long as you need…how could that same that same sweet heart who is so kind to others be so cruel to me?
I sat with this a while.
I went back to all the times I talked this way to myself.
I cried from the shame I felt
I cried for the breath of fresh air that was coming over me.
I cried because I was saying good-bye to a part of me...even thought it was a part of me that needed to go - it was still a part of me.
That was a few months ago…I am happy to report I have unlearned negative self-talk.
Yes, it still creeps in – especially if I am really tired, but I am learning to shut it down quickly and tell my heart the truth…I am a pretty cool chick with wild ideas ready to take on the world!