Saturday, February 7, 2015

My heart's growth

All this happening with my friend as of late, is really taking me to several different places in my heart.

Places that are blah but in my mind, necessary for growth.

I have found in the past 6.5 years of dealing with cancer crap, some of my most beautiful growth happens right after massive heart break. 

The heart break can be from anything: me being told I have Stage IV cancer, my grandparents passing away, brain surgery, a friend passing away, having to learn to walk again, my dad having massive back surgery…the list could go on and on.

One thing I have noticed from all these times of heart break: is that after a heart break, my heart mends back together differently…different in noticeable ways.

Something that was important to me before, seems so minor now.  If it even gets a place in my new heart - it is a tiny place that I can easily silence if need be.

Old heart before cancer VS New heart after cancer:

BC: I was very caught up in what others were doing…either good or bad…and I would talk about it…either good or bad.  

AC: Now, I am learning that if I have bad things to say about anyone in my life, I need to take a step back and look at myself more to see why I have those feelings.
If I feel someone has failed me time and time again, maybe it is time I exit stage right from that scene in my life? And if it is time to breakup with that person, that it is OK…it is the ebb and flow of life happening in life.

I have had friends break up with me too, and I know it hurts.  I used to be SO in awe of how they could do that to ME…but now I see it wasn’t me, it wasn't them, it was us – and we grew in different directions.

BC: I didn’t take near enough time to slow down and just be.  I would book my schedule so full, I was always running from one thing to the next.

AC: I crave me time.  I need to sit with myself and process my emotions many times throughout the day.  If something bad happens, I sit with it in my heart, look at it, tell it thank you for teaching me but now it is time to go and release to God. I even have a whole vision process I use.

BC: I liked to pretend what others thought of my actions didn’t matter to me because I was big, bad and strong…in reality it has always mattered but I felt like I needed to protect my heart.

AC: If I do/say something wrong, I say sorry right then and there.  I ask others to forgive me for times I have hurt them unknowingly or knowingly.

This list could go on and on.

Now I pray these lessons I spoke of are really rooted in my heart, and my breaking process is over and I will continue to grow.
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