Thursday, February 5, 2015

I never wanted

This is a follow up to yesterday.

My heart told me to go yesterday morning, so I was walking out the door at 7:30.
It was much colder than I thought it was going to be outside, but I was on a mission to get to the hospital and didn't care about a coat or the fact that I looked like I just rolled out of bed and threw on clothes...because I had.

I was able to sit with her and her mother-in-law for well over an hour.

She didn't want to talk because her breathing was labored.
I told her we don't to need to talk...I just wanted to be there to love on her.
She accepted that.

She was getting sleepy from the meds, so I decided it was time I go in order to let her rest.

When I hugged her, something in her switched...I believe it was a panic attack.  

She started to breath shallow and fast and said she was felt bad for her husband. I first tried to calm her down using what Eric uses on me when I am having a panic attack: I told her to breath in through her nose, out through her mouth...we worked on that for a few breaths.
I kept repeating, in nose, out mouth...just to give us something else to focus on.

I didn't know what to say, so I went to smart-ass mode: I told her he will be fine and don't worry about him because all men are all big babies anyways and can't even handle a cold...that got a small smile...but not for long.

The panic set in again.

We went through the panic/calm down cycle a few times.

At this point her pain meds were really kicking in.
She would slightly close her eyes and just start moaning. I don't know if she hurt or just the realness of what is happening hit her heart or both - or neither.

I knew she needed to rest, so I told her I was going and her mother-in-law was right there to take her hand.

I walked out of her room in a daze.
I asked where the hospital chapel was.
On my way there, I spotted 3 of my girls in the waiting room.
I walked in with them and lost all composure I had been able to maintain. 

They were all there to see her too, but after the first one went in, she said she was done with visitors.

So we all sat in the wait room together, holding hands, laughing, crying...processing.

For me and one other, this was super hard. 
The last close one was lost was when it was just the 3 of us...then it was just 2. Casey didn't want visitors at all, so we never got to kiss her goodbye. We called and texted her husband daily to see if she was up for company, but the answer was always the same.
So instead, K and I handled it the only way we knew how...we talked and cried to each other.

I never wanted others to join this stupid club, but I guess that never mattered. 
I never wanted to feel this way again.

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