Wednesday, February 4, 2015

I love you

I will admit, not remembering my WHOLE journey I have been on thus far...I remember when I read what I wrote about it, but there are still out big chunks of the the details I don't remember.

Eric will ask me if I remember a detail about a story we are talking about and the answer is usually no.

Last night I was telling him the updates on a friend who is not doing well...not well at all.

I was telling him if I was ever at her state, I didn't know...I think I would be done.
Yes, I know this sounds horrible - it sounds as if I am saying she should be done...that is not the case at all.

I am the only one out of a handful of us "cancer girls" who has been laying on my death bed...literally. After my 2nd brain surgery, I felt I was done...my mind and body were done fighting.
I say by the grace of God, he filled my fight tank back up. 

I realize we ALL have felt lost and hopeless at different points, but for the most part, right now all of my girls are good. 
Yes, I use the word good loosely, but for those who are on full out chemo, to those who are trying new drugs - their bodies AND minds are holding up well...in my opinion. With that, I get I don't see their everyday struggles.

Anyway, I get into all this for a reason: one of my cancer girls isn't doing well...at all. She is in the hospital again. Seeing this happen again brings back the gut wrenching memories of myself and of other friends.

I am not comparing stories - they are all completely different stories, BUT no matter the story leading up to this point in their story...this seems to be the same in all the stories.

This is where the bad memories come in - it all gets so real and fresh again when it is happening right in front of my face...once more.

I am going up to see my friend today promptly at 9:00 in hopes of me getting there before the room fills up with too many others.
I just want a few quite minutes with her...to hold her hand and tell her I love her.  
I don't want to tell her how I am, I don't want tell her anything other than I love her. 
I don't want to tell her my shit, I just want to say I love you.  
I don't want to ask her what her doctors are saying, I just want to love on her.
I don't want to tell her to keep fighting, I just want to say I love you.

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