Mascara – October 3, 2008
Today is the first day since I heard the news that I have worn mascara. No, not because all my eyelashes have already fallen out. I wonder if they really will? Eh, whatever. I wore it again today and will continue to wear it daily because I have decided there will be no more tears shed to this illness. I have realized that I have so much to be thankful for and I am so much to so many people, I don’t have time to cry about what might be – I only have time to be thankful for what is.
I started thinking about how many people are in my life and how many people are praying for me, and how many people need me and I was truly overwhelmed with the pure love I felt just thinking about it. So with that in mind, I made a list of who I am and need to be for the people in my life and who I love to be for them.
A mother to Ian – he needs me. He needs me to be his mom, to hold him when he is hurt, to help him get over his first heart ache, to help him understand the world – he needs me. Plain and simple, he needs his mom.
A wife to Eric – he needs me to keep him company, hold hands with and just love him, he needs me to tell him all my crazy ideas and him be able to help me figure out a way we can make them a reality.
A sister – Rachele needs me more than she will ever admit. She is the older of us two, but she needs me to help her believe there is still magic in the world. She looks at the world as most analytical people do – black or white. But she needs me to help her see all the crazy colors swirled around. She needs me to be her little sister who she can help me find my way when I am lost.
A daughter to my mom and dad – they both need me in such different ways. My mom needs me to talk to. She needs me to be her little girl still to protect from the big bad world. She needs me to need her. Dad needs me to talk to him and let him know how much he means to me. He needs me to call him and just talk. He needs me like Rachele needs me too – to have my crazy dreams that I go after. Sometimes I fall and they are there to pick me up, but sometimes I fly and they are there to cheer me on.
A daughter-in-law and sister-in-law – they need me to actually tell them what is going on. Eric likes to skim the surface of our lives but I will give them the meat of the matter. They need to know that Eric is taken care of and they don’t need to worry about his happiness.
A friend – they all need me to be there for them. To listen to them, give advice to them although it is sometimes unsolicited advice, to laugh with them, to make them laugh, hug and be hugged, and this is just the tip of it all. We all need each other in this life.
An aunt - to wonderful kids that need a fun and “hip” aunt. I want to be that aunt they know they can talk to when they don’t want to talk to their own parents. That aunt they know they can count on.
A granddaughter, a niece, a cousin and much more to so many. I am so much to so many others and when I think of this, all I can think of is, how blessed am I to have all these people in my life who need ME? And I need them. So with that, I don’t have time to feel sorry for myself. All I have time for is to enjoy everyone around me. And help them see their beauty as well. Please, if you take anything away from me sharing my story with you as I am going through this, take away this. Look at those in your life and know how blessed you are for what you have. And don’t be afraid to tell them you love them.
Today: October 27
Looking back on old writings really dig deep - deeper into this.
That wasn't the last time I cried because of cancer.
I have cried many, many more times: for myself, for Eric and Ian, my family, by friends; I have cried for friends lost - their families, their friends, their broken hearts.
It is all because of cancer I have cried these tears.