A few years ago, it would have seemed to me that I would be ecstatic to be where I am now – alive and well, it would seem to me that I should be able to go from doom and gloom to delight and praise at the flip of a switch. Some secret internal switch that I should be able to switch back and forth with ease, or at least switch back and forth a few days after good news.
I am not sure my switch works anymore. I am pretty sure my switch has become numb to these emotions.
I seem to stay either in the middle of the road of emotions leaning more to I don’t care.
It isn’t that I don’t care how I am feeling because believe me I do, but it is becoming increasingly harder to get too vested and comfy/cozy at any certain point of how I feel because once I seem to be comfortable at any one point (either good or bad) the rug is yanked out from under me once again and I tumble to the ground, along with all the other things that are leaned up against me.
It is getting harder and harder to get back up, dust myself off and take a step forward.
It is great when I feel good, but I seem to have put a fence around me that I can’t climb over to the other side where feeling great is…even to where feeling good is.
I can see the fence and over the fence, but I can’t touch it much less grab ahold of it and climb it to the other side. I feel like my true peace of mind is on that other side.
That true piece of heart & mind I long to have again. True peace of heart & mind that I used to have. True peace of heart & mind that used to shine though me even when all I could see was miles and miles of shit ahead of me.
I used to trust it would all truly go back to “normal.”
I still trust it will, but I am learning it never goes back as quick as I pray for it to or to exactly where it was before.
My “normal” changes every day. I never know what I am going to wake up and feel like, I never know if I am going to have another seizure (or whatever you want to call them) that seems to throw my whole world out of control for weeks to months on end. The harder I try to hang on to control the faster I seem to spin…spin down.
I feel like with all this spinning, so many pieces of me are scattered all over the place. I used to be able to see where the pieces landed sweep them all back up in a pile and somewhat put them – me back together. But now, I seem to have lost sight of so many of the pieces I don’t even know where to begin looking to start the sweeping up process yet again.
I am not sure where the roads leads from here.