Wednesday, March 12, 2014

3 years

It will be 3 years ago on Friday that I got the call I never wanted to get.  The call I honestly never thought was possible to get again.

Yes, I was na├»ve back then – I lived in my peaceful ignorance is bliss bubble.
Hey, I was happy there!

I didn’t take the time to educate myself on what could happen, because in my mind if I knew what could happen then that fear would consume me – like it sometimes does now because let’s be honest I am all too familiar with what can happen – it seems to happen to me all the time.
I can easily say never in a million years could I have imaged  this scenario of a sh*t show as my life.

I don’t really want to recap what has happened in the past 3 years – it is what is.  I will one of these days.
It has been harder than hard at some points, sometimes I honestly didn’t know how I would continue on living the life I have been handed, I probably have cried enough tears to fill a swimming pool (or maybe not that many?!?!), I have had to relearn to walk with one numb leg, type, write, paint and some much more not once but twice,  I keep having to learn how to live my new life that is me for now.

I try hard not to freak out and crumble every time I have a headache or a new pain in body that isn’t easily explained away.
I try hard not to get mad at God when things start going really bad.

I try to forgive myself for not being the mom, wife, daughter, sister, friend that I want to be, but to be completely honest I am not really sure I ever was as “great” as I remember myself being. Who knows?
I try hard to go easy on myself for the all the weight I have gained from steroids. 

I try hard not to compare my story to other’s stories, and have finally accepted all of our stories are completely different and that is ok – even good.  What would we talk about if all of our stories were the same?
So here I am.

3 years later.
Still trying to make sense of it all.

Continuing to dig through the rubble and once again rebuilding me.

Some say that is a miracle in itself being as a lot of others don’t survive 3 years past their breast cancer metastasizing. I say it is God’s plan – even though I am mad at Him half the time, I do realize there is a Plan.
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