Yes, I was naïve back then – I lived in my peaceful ignorance is bliss bubble.Hey, I was happy there!
I didn’t take the time to educate myself on what could happen, because in my mind if I knew what could happen then that fear would consume me – like it sometimes does now because let’s be honest I am all too familiar with what can happen – it seems to happen to me all the time.I can easily say never in a million years could I have imaged this scenario of a sh*t show as my life.
I don’t really want to recap what has happened in the past 3 years – it is what is. I will one of these days.It has been harder than hard at some points, sometimes I honestly didn’t know how I would continue on living the life I have been handed, I probably have cried enough tears to fill a swimming pool (or maybe not that many?!?!), I have had to relearn to walk with one numb leg, type, write, paint and some much more not once but twice, I keep having to learn how to live my new life that is me for now.
I try hard not to freak out and crumble every time I have a headache or a new pain in body that isn’t easily explained away.I try hard not to get mad at God when things start going really bad.
I try to forgive myself for not being the mom, wife, daughter, sister, friend that I want to be, but to be completely honest I am not really sure I ever was as “great” as I remember myself being. Who knows?I try hard to go easy on myself for the all the weight I have gained from steroids.
I try hard not to compare my story to other’s stories, and have finally accepted all of our stories are completely different and that is ok – even good. What would we talk about if all of our stories were the same?So here I am.
3 years later.Still trying to make sense of it all.
Continuing to dig through the rubble and once again rebuilding me.
Some say that is a miracle in itself being as a lot of others don’t survive 3 years past their breast cancer metastasizing. I say it is God’s plan – even though I am mad at Him half the time, I do realize there is a Plan.