Wednesday, October 23, 2013

Is this my new life??


the flash back

the heart stop

the deflated feeling

the swirls

in your

head

in your

heart

every time…

every single time

someone you care about

someone you might not know

but are connected

to

connected to

by more than this disease

just when one heart heals

another one breaks

those shards

pierce us all

it feels like

we will never have

a whole

heart again

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Playing Poker with breast cancer


 

October is a hard month for me.

Actually all months are hard months for me.

As I see others celebrate their victory over cancer, it is all too easy for my mind to slip to that dark place and wonder what did they do that I didn’t do, should I have prayed more, should I have never eaten  laffy-taffy, was it caused because I smoked, did Pantex have something to do with it – all these questions run through my mind when I see others post about fighting breast cancer and winning.

Then I wonder, did I not fight hard enough the first time?
But that is the word that bothers me about this all - fight.  I feel like it implies that those who are done with cancer fought and won verses those or aren't didn't fight quite hard enough.

After much back and forth with myself, I have settled on this –

Cancer is like playing Texas Hold ‘em with

Stay with me here.

Let’s say you have 4 players at the table

The cards are dealt.

You first look at the cards and moan and groan and think there is nothing to be made from this hand and the whole way through the hand it is hard to watch and stay in, but there is something in you telling you to hang in and bet big on the last card.

You do and you end up with a full boat.

You are elated with success!

You had to hang in and sweat it out, but the outcome is winner winner chicken dinner.
You gather your winnings and head home.
But for me and too many other stage 4-ers, we were forced back in the game…a game we never wanted to play again.

Some of us won that first hand too only to be made to play again – by no wanting or doing by us, not by us not eating the right thing, standing on our hands 10 minutes a day, or some other crazy notion someone always wants to tell you about – if you would have done this or that you wouldn’t be where you are now.

To me, being stage 4 is repeatedly getting bad hands – nothing we stage 4’ers did to deserve these bad hands, nothing you did to deserve your winning hand…it is luck of the draw and is what it is.

Friday, October 4, 2013

Be Brave and Fight Like a Girl speech

http://youtu.be/CqPqWiZ31Z0

So, I know there is a way make the youtube box pop up, but I don't know how to do it!
This is my speech from last night and I must say, I am extremely proud and feel like I have 100% found it - found my calling!!

Tuesday, October 1, 2013

The girl who cried wolf…


Or maybe something else instead...

I guess having  a small seizure is still a good reason to rush off to the ER and MUCH better than getting told my cancer is back in the brain.

Small update from yesterday: my right side of my face and head started going numb and then my right leg started twitching uncontrollably.

I called Eric; Dr. H wanted an MRI stat; ER; no cancer!!!; small seizure and will follow up with cutie brain surgeon next week.

I feel completely beat down tired today, but the show must go on.

I have a TV interview this afternoon about my thoughts on the cure; Ian has parkcor; and that is it for today.

I still need to practice my speech more for Thursday night, but I will do that soon too.

I feel like whatever is going on has been one of the reasons I have been SO FLIPPING beat down tired.  I have no energy to do anything more than be with Ian and Eric.

I have to miss too many events lately and it sucks, but when it comes down to it, I would rather have this energy for Ian.

SO for now, onward and upward!

As far as the fund raiser for Tabitha goes, I still have pictures, but I don’t think I am going to be able to do much more for it, which makes me sad.