October is a hard month for me.
Actually all months are hard months for me.
As I see others celebrate their victory over cancer, it is all too easy for my mind to slip to that dark place and wonder what did they do that I didn’t do, should I have prayed more, should I have never eaten laffy-taffy, was it caused because I smoked, did Pantex have something to do with it – all these questions run through my mind when I see others post about fighting breast cancer and winning.
Then I wonder, did I not fight hard enough the first time?
But that is the word that bothers me about this all - fight. I feel like it implies that those who are done with cancer fought and won verses those or aren't didn't fight quite hard enough.
After much back and forth with myself, I have settled on this –
Cancer is like playing Texas Hold ‘em with
Stay with me here.
Let’s say you have 4 players at the table
The cards are dealt.
You first look at the cards and moan and groan and think there is nothing to be made from this hand and the whole way through the hand it is hard to watch and stay in, but there is something in you telling you to hang in and bet big on the last card.
You do and you end up with a full boat.
You are elated with success!
You had to hang in and sweat it out, but the outcome is winner winner chicken dinner.
You gather your winnings and head home.But for me and too many other stage 4-ers, we were forced back in the game…a game we never wanted to play again.
Some of us won that first hand too only to be made to play again – by no wanting or doing by us, not by us not eating the right thing, standing on our hands 10 minutes a day, or some other crazy notion someone always wants to tell you about – if you would have done this or that you wouldn’t be where you are now.
To me, being stage 4 is repeatedly getting bad hands – nothing we stage 4’ers did to deserve these bad hands, nothing you did to deserve your winning hand…it is luck of the draw and is what it is.