Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Explanation:

I have been thinking about this for a long time.  I have a lot to say, but it is hard to find the words – even to write the words.

I finally feel like I am in a place to talk about things – to explain myself – to all those I have shut out this entire time...maybe??

I just couldn’t talk about it before.  I still can’t talk about it in person – I don’t really know why.  It is still so fresh…I am still so scared…so many untouched emotions.

I watched a Criminal Minds last night that was recorded from a while ago. I don’t usually watch this show because it is a little too much for me, but it was a follow up to one that was dealing with one of the main characters losing a loved one.  This episode showed him blocking out his friends and family and it really hit home with me. I completely understood it – he knew they were there for him, but he just couldn’t deal with the emotions talking about it would bring.

I know no one has asked for an explanation – but I need you to know…

Me shutting everyone out wasn’t what I wanted to do – it was all I knew to do...it was all I could do.

I couldn’t talk about what I had been through…what we were still going through – it was too much for me to wrap my head around.

But then on the other hand I couldn’t go on with “normal” life because my world, my life, my everything had been more than flipped upside down.  I didn’t know if I was going to survive it all, I didn’t know if Ian was going to have a mom to help raise him, I didn’t know if Eric was going to have a wife – I didn’t know anything.

I didn’t want pitty but at the same time I wanted people to realize how bad it sucked.  Yes, I realize people can’t know how bad, how hard it was because I didn’t tell them…I am still working on that. There was a lot that went unsaid. 
I had no energy to do anything other than survive. I had no energy to talk to people, to write here or write back to people, to be alive - all I could focus on was making it through to the next day - heck, even through to the next minute. Surviving took it all - every ounce of anything I had.

I still don’t know what I need from others.  I try to think about what I would do for others if the situation was reversed and I realize I don’t know what I would do. I would want to ask them what they need and so many asked/still ask what we need – I still don’t know what to say.
I guess I need love and understanding.  I know I have both of these from so many people and I know it is hard to continue to give love without getting any in return from me...but that is what I need now.

What I want to say whe asked this: I need new cells…cells that don’t want to divide on their own and cause cancer. I need new DNA (I really don’t know if this is DNA stuff), what I need is stuff no one can give me.  So do I tell people this when they ask? I don’t – it doesn’t do anyone any good for me to be a smartass all the time…some of the time yes!

I still haven’t really explained anything here – I realize that. I guess I still don’t know how to explain it – I am not sure I will ever know how to explain what I went through and continue to go through every day.

But please know your love and support does not go unnoticed and it does make things so much easier – if I don’t tell you that enough, it is true.
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