Eric told me about this article he read called The SpoonTheory written by Christine Miserandino. She has lupus and she writes a blog called But You Don't Look Sick.
The title of the blog really hit home with me. I know many other stage IV women, who when you first look at them you would never think they have stage IV cancer...heck before this whole brain mess, I was one of those while I was on the parp. I now feel like I look sick...with my foot issue and the big scar and bald spot on the back of my head...you know - it is the little things.
It really hit home with me because I have been having a hard time lately with my lack of energy and I always feel on the defense with others when I say I can’t do something. I mean, I look like I should feel fine, I look so much better than I did even a few a weeks ago, I am able to walk without a cane, so I should be back up and running…right??
I am nowhere near full speed…h*ll, I am not even near 25% of full speed most days.
Everything takes so much energy...takes a spoon or two or three from my pile. I try to plan my days to have enough spoons left to share some with Ian and Eric…some days it works, some days it doesn’t. And the hardest part is that I never know what the day will be like until the moment. Some days I wake feeling great and then crash, other days I feel good all day, still others I wake up tired, my foot is heavy and it is hard to move.
I am trying to be ok with this. Some days I am ok with it, some days I’m not…I want more…more energy, more ability to walk, more feeling in my foot…all the things I pray for.
I pray for patience, for health, for grace, hope and so much more.
Please feel free to pray with me. I have really found that when I ask for specific prayers from y’all, God works in even more amazing ways. Please pray for complete feeling to return to my right foot, to stay cancer free in my whole body today, tomorrow and always and love to always pour out of me.