Saturday, August 27, 2011

Two Wolves

In church a few weeks ago our opening prayer was started off with a story, like it is every week. This story was about an old Indian man telling his grandson of the legend of every person having two wolves in him/her fighting to survive. One wolf represents all the good in us – our spirit God gave, joy, hope, love, dreams, gratitude, charity of our hearts, etc. – the other wolf represents the opposite – greed, hate, fear, jealousy, etc.
The grandson asked the grandfather, which one wins. The grandfather simply said, “The one you feed.”

I feel like the “bad” wolf has been winning in me lately in so many ways – and it has not been a good feeling – at all.

So many ugly feelings have been slowly creeping into me and I guess I kept feeding them until I felt like that was all I had in me. Guilt: I have guilt over so many things – things I didn’t even know I could have guilt over…Ian, I feel guilty I can’t be the mom I want to be to him – some days I don’t feel like playing, I don’t feel like doing anything and I feel guilty about that. To Eric…I feel guilty about me not being a healthy wife to help him more. Me…I feel guilty towards myself for not nurturing myself the way I think I should be – like painting more, cooking better, even just walking 30 minutes a day and so much more. I have also felt jealousy towards most everybody. I am jealous of their health, of their problems – just wishing their problems were my only problems, jealous of their “easy” lives.

The good wolf has tried to tell me that I don’t know what their lives really are like, that I am doing all I can at this point, but hearing those little whispers of truth while also hearing the giant roars of the negative – well, it is hard to hear them much less believe them.

What makes it easier at times to hear one wolf over the other and only believe what that wolf is telling us? I feel like some days I have the will and grace to do what needs to be done, to believe everything will be ok, to lean on God and other days, well I don’t – I don’t know what happens during the night or when I wake up to make those days harder – to make me not believe it will all be ok, to make me not feel up to anything, to let me question God and His love for me – I don’t know, I sure wish I did. I don’t know.

Please pray that the good wolf continues to win in me, that I continue to have grace & strength as the days get a little harder and I always know that God loves me – which I know he does…sometimes I just need a little reminding.

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