In church a few weeks ago our opening prayer was started off with a story, like it is every week. This story was about an old Indian man telling his grandson of the legend of every person having two wolves in him/her fighting to survive. One wolf represents all the good in us – our spirit God gave, joy, hope, love, dreams, gratitude, charity of our hearts, etc. – the other wolf represents the opposite – greed, hate, fear, jealousy, etc.
The grandson asked the grandfather, which one wins. The grandfather simply said, “The one you feed.”
I feel like the “bad” wolf has been winning in me lately in so many ways – and it has not been a good feeling – at all.
So many ugly feelings have been slowly creeping into me and I guess I kept feeding them until I felt like that was all I had in me. Guilt: I have guilt over so many things – things I didn’t even know I could have guilt over…Ian, I feel guilty I can’t be the mom I want to be to him – some days I don’t feel like playing, I don’t feel like doing anything and I feel guilty about that. To Eric…I feel guilty about me not being a healthy wife to help him more. Me…I feel guilty towards myself for not nurturing myself the way I think I should be – like painting more, cooking better, even just walking 30 minutes a day and so much more. I have also felt jealousy towards most everybody. I am jealous of their health, of their problems – just wishing their problems were my only problems, jealous of their “easy” lives.
The good wolf has tried to tell me that I don’t know what their lives really are like, that I am doing all I can at this point, but hearing those little whispers of truth while also hearing the giant roars of the negative – well, it is hard to hear them much less believe them.
What makes it easier at times to hear one wolf over the other and only believe what that wolf is telling us? I feel like some days I have the will and grace to do what needs to be done, to believe everything will be ok, to lean on God and other days, well I don’t – I don’t know what happens during the night or when I wake up to make those days harder – to make me not believe it will all be ok, to make me not feel up to anything, to let me question God and His love for me – I don’t know, I sure wish I did. I don’t know.
Please pray that the good wolf continues to win in me, that I continue to have grace & strength as the days get a little harder and I always know that God loves me – which I know he does…sometimes I just need a little reminding.
I live with stage IV metastatic breast cancer that has caused 3 brain surgeries and leukemia that required a bone marrow transplant. . I like to write about life - and I don't hold back! My mission is to always remind myself and others anything is possible,
3 comments:
I am not facing half the challenges you are and so many times the "bad wolf" wins. You are not alone in your struggles. We all have our own battles to face, some are more visible or public (like yours with cancer) while others are more internal. Just keep trying to feed the "good wolf," that is all you anyone can ask of you.
Would you believe that what makes us whole is embracing both the "bad wolf" and the "good wolf" in us?... because it is really all part of us, the guilt, the fear, the rage, the sadness, the doubt, the love, the compassion, the wisdom.... Once we have recognized it is all there, all part of who we are... well, at times, we can choose what we feed, at times we can't... and, in any case, we are more whole.
Please, dear Renée, be ever so gentle with yourself... All you are feeling is so normal and doesn't deserve to be judged harshly...Please, see the beauty, the strength, the grace we all see in you!
With much love,
Eva
Renee,
I wanted to leave an insightful comment that would (hopefully) help ease the pain you are describing. After reading the comments already left, I think they captured it much better than I could have! I know Eric and Ian love you for all that you are and what you give them is so much more than than the helping and the playing - you give them the love in their lives, and nothing can take this away. Please try not to feel guilty for the days you just need to "be". Above all, I love the part of Eva's comment that says to please be gentle with yourself. This is so true, please see what we all see in you - a courageous, beautiful human being with a spirit filled with love and light.
Love,
Laurie
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