Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Well….sh*t…the good, the bad and the in between

This is not at all what I had prepared myself for.
I got the call late Monday afternoon with my PET scan results.

I am still numb, confused, p*ssed off and asking why?

What I thought was extremely good news now turns out to be just okay news. I thought ALL the bone stuff was gone, but after getting the actual report yesterday and reading it – I still have stuff on my left shoulder. I so wanted all the bone stuff to be gone.

The bad news – the one spot on my lungs that was left has grown from 1.8 cmX1.3 cm at the time of the CT in May to 2.4 cm X 1.4 cm now, and I “think” this is actually a lymphnode, but I won’t know fore sure until Friday. And there is a new spot that is 4 mm…not big enough for the PET to tell what it is.

I am numb – I am not sure what to think, what to do, anything. This seems to be a bigger shock to me than the diagnoses, but I may have just forgotten that already.

From what Eric has read, this isn’t all that uncommon – it was uncommon how well I responded to the Axbraxian in the first place. He also read that many people have to try a few different chemos through their journey because the cancer adapts to the chemo – which is just so crazy to me.

I was just so sure I was done. I was so sure everything was working the way it should….I was so sure of it all. I just wanted a break from this so badly. I just didn’t want to have to think about “what ifs” anymore. I feel defeated.

But not for a second will I stop fighting…I have too much to fight for.
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