Is what I want to throw – if I were an irrational 2 year-old.
I kind of know why kids throw massive tantrums when their world is out of control – that out of control feeling sucks and sometimes they just need to voice their opinion of suckage.
I was talking to Marci after a pretty rough day a few days ago and instead of calling her when I started feeling out of control I waited until I was full out of control – which is fine with her because at least we can laugh at some of the sh*t that comes out of my mouth and yes, I am one of those that once I say sometime out loud it frees me of the thought that circulate through my mind.
I figured out that this point in my life is so hard for me right now because all the coping mechanisms I have used for so long are no longer available in my bags of tricks.
Drinking alcohol. Yes I admit it – I used alcohol to numb me to the situation, to celebrate something, to free me for as long as I can remember. Things weren’t going to good – go out for a drink. Wanted something fun to do – go out for a drink. Just hang out with friends – drink. Broke up with a boyfriend – all the girls come drink. Rough day – a glass of wine at night…oh, who am I kidding – maybe a bottle!
Food. Food has always been an emotional crutch for me since as long as I can remember. Sad – eat. Happy – eat. Bored – eat. Mad – eat. Stressed – eat. And what I would reach for was always carb and sugar loaded food. Yes they made feel better in the moment, but always left me wondering why I did that.
Exercise. I have been knocked back to walking and yoga. I feel like I have been asked to go to the back of line because I can’t hang with the big girls. I will admit I haven’t given either of these the real benefit of the doubt because I am still being a baby and throwing a fit about my lack of physical conditioning. But exercise, a good hard sweat used to clear my mind and get me centered and now, well let’s just say the thought of me running more than 2 minutes makes me want to curl up and go to bed.
I am trying to find new coping mechanisms to help me deal with this, with everyday stress, with life as I now know it.
I live with stage IV metastatic breast cancer that has caused 3 brain surgeries and leukemia that required a bone marrow transplant. . I like to write about life - and I don't hold back! My mission is to always remind myself and others anything is possible,
2 comments:
I completely understand losing your standard coping mechanisms. When I eliminated alcohol from my life i thought the same thing. Someone once told me that often times what we think are coping mechanism are instead, ways to avoid feeling what we are feeling. We have to be present in the moment and actually "feel" what is going on. IT SUCKS! but in the end the results are much more satisfying.
Anonymous - you are so right. I do want to numb myself to what is happening in my present moment - I am learning to except it (my present moment) and keep on keepin on.
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