Is what I want to throw – if I were an irrational 2 year-old.
I kind of know why kids throw massive tantrums when their world is out of control – that out of control feeling sucks and sometimes they just need to voice their opinion of suckage.
I was talking to Marci after a pretty rough day a few days ago and instead of calling her when I started feeling out of control I waited until I was full out of control – which is fine with her because at least we can laugh at some of the sh*t that comes out of my mouth and yes, I am one of those that once I say sometime out loud it frees me of the thought that circulate through my mind.
I figured out that this point in my life is so hard for me right now because all the coping mechanisms I have used for so long are no longer available in my bags of tricks.
Drinking alcohol. Yes I admit it – I used alcohol to numb me to the situation, to celebrate something, to free me for as long as I can remember. Things weren’t going to good – go out for a drink. Wanted something fun to do – go out for a drink. Just hang out with friends – drink. Broke up with a boyfriend – all the girls come drink. Rough day – a glass of wine at night…oh, who am I kidding – maybe a bottle!
Food. Food has always been an emotional crutch for me since as long as I can remember. Sad – eat. Happy – eat. Bored – eat. Mad – eat. Stressed – eat. And what I would reach for was always carb and sugar loaded food. Yes they made feel better in the moment, but always left me wondering why I did that.
Exercise. I have been knocked back to walking and yoga. I feel like I have been asked to go to the back of line because I can’t hang with the big girls. I will admit I haven’t given either of these the real benefit of the doubt because I am still being a baby and throwing a fit about my lack of physical conditioning. But exercise, a good hard sweat used to clear my mind and get me centered and now, well let’s just say the thought of me running more than 2 minutes makes me want to curl up and go to bed.
I am trying to find new coping mechanisms to help me deal with this, with everyday stress, with life as I now know it.