It hit me the other morning that I am scared of this coming Friday - scared of the unknown of what is to come next.
It is almost 99% certain that this will be my last full round of chemo and that scares me and it scares me if this is NOT my last full round. I had a complete pathological response last time I had chemo - that means the chemo ate away all the cancer last time too. It scares me that it came back, it scares me to think about chemo anymore, it scares me to think about it coming back again – it all scares me.
There are a few facts that Eric and Gina like to keep pointing out to me – really, one would think they get together and plan their defense speeches to me and all my arguments to them because their speeches are always the exact same – kind of annoying!
- I will be on maintenance this time and will have MANY more scans while on maintenance. I know this – I do, but the thought of going off full chemo does scare me.
- I have taken charge of my health this time around. Last time, I talked a good game but never really made huge changes. I figured, it was gone and that was that. The fact that I have cut sugar and processed foods out makes a huge difference.
- I don’t really have other statistics to look at here – there really aren’t many other women with trip negative metastatic who make it to maintenance, so yes this is a great achievement and a great stat to add for others in my situation.
I DO know all this stuff…but it doesn’t change the fact that I am scared of the unknown, of what is to come – I wish it did, but it just doesn’t.