Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Peace or Drama?

Do you want to be right or be happy? Do you want peace or drama?
These were two questions that our minister talked about one Sunday that really, really hit home with me. You can’t have both at the same time – you can’t have peace and drama at the same time within yourself – you can’t want to be right and be happy at the same time – one of them takes ego and the other takes heart/Spirit/love.

I feel like a few weeks ago were filled with drama within myself – I wasn’t allowing the peace to be in me – I wasn’t allowing myself to get in that place that I know and love – in my heart. I was only allowing myself to have turmoil within my heart – and it was a bad feeling.

I was taking the simplest things to heart, thinking if someone said something it was automatically directed at me and my guard and defenses went up. Of course, I talked to Eric about it but his answers weren’t what I was looking for – I wanted him to justify the fact that I “should” have my defenses up and possibly start an argument with these people. Then my next stop as always was Marci, but when she told me the same thing I knew the drama was within me – not with these other people.

I had been down, feeling hopeless and like I was drowning. Once I made the decision that I was going to ask for help – get back on Lexapro, something in me changed – even before I started the medicine. I realized even though I need a little extra help with medicine that it was still up to me to change my attitude, my thoughts because the more I thought about feeling bad, the worse I felt.

It took a lot of going inside my heart, praying for guidance and understanding with this and a lot not to get upset, not to let the negative thoughts get me down and keep me down and let go. For this I am thankful – I can tell I have grown and am continuing to grown into the person I want to be – one who forgives easily (yes, even myself), one who turns to God for strength and guidance and one who is happy – truly happy.

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