Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Out.Of.Control

I feel 100% out of control in my life right now – in so many areas I don’t even know where to start.

Out of control with my body and what it is doing. I “thought” I had my after chemo schedule down but these past few weeks nothing is the same as it was. I am thoroughly exhausted all the time, I have a dull ache most of the week and my stomach is doing so weird things.

Out of control with the house – now don’t get me wrong, I have never been one to really keep the house all that picked up, but this is something that is adding to my lack of control – a messy house, but I don’t have the energy to pick it up daily.

Out of control with my emotions – I feel I am short with people, I feel like I snap at nothing with Ian, I feel like I never know what is around the next corner.

And what sucks even more is the more I feel out of control, the more I try to control something and being as I am with Ian most days this leads to me trying to control his actions – which is the silliest thing ever trying to control a 3 year olds actions.

The actions I am trying to control aren’t even important in the grand scheme of things – I just want to be control of something. And I find myself looking at me through his eyes and wondering what happened to his mommy who was healthy, active and easy going but now a ball of stress because I feel like everything else is crumbling around me.

I have to take a step back and ask myself if this really matters and the answer is most always no – it just sucks that I have to do it so many times a day.
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