First of all, it completely freaks me out that I have had 8 rounds of chemo. Last time 8 was my magic number – I had 8 rounds total and I was done – or so I thought.
Today was an easy day in terms of chemo. My appointment was at 8:15, so it was up and Adam early around here today. Gina told me that we could bring Ian over in his pajamas today, and he was beyond thrilled about that!
It was hard in terms of realizations. I was/still am extremely tired – not sure if I am just wearing down, the fact it is hotter than h*ll or what. We went to a small water park Thursday and for some crazy reason Ian didn’t nap. I ended up going to bed at 7:30 Thursday night and slept ALL night. Yes, I slept 11 hours – crazy.
I asked the nurse when she brought me the sheet with my blood count read outs on it if my red count being a little low was the reason I am so tired. She kind of laughed and said my red isn’t really “that” low and I am going through a little thing called chemo. And she nailed it when she said, “and I bet you don’t slow down – you just added this to your to-do list” and she is right….to a point.
Up until about 2 weeks ago I was going all out – did everything I had been doing but I broke a few weeks ago…and I broke hard – like my whole egg cracked and my yolk was running out everywhere. I realized I couldn’t do it all anymore and when I was totally honest with myself, I realized I didn’t/don’t want to do it all. Yes, I was the only one expecting me to do it all – I wanted to/still want to be super woman but I now know I have to say no – I have to say no to what doesn’t help me heal, doesn’t help me rest, doesn’t help me be the best mom, wife, me I can be – I have to say no. Saying no is hard – HARD for me. I want to do everything I am invited to do, I want to be there for my friends as they have been for me, I want to but the reality of my life right now is that I can’t…not how I used to be able to be there. Like me and my life as it changes, my relationships have to change also.
My family, my health and spirituality are the most important things to me right now and always (sometimes it is easy to forget that), so if I have to miss get-togethers, lunch dates, play dates, taking orders for Leopards & Lilies and many other things – I need to, I have to, I will.
Just when I think I have it all figured it out, life dictates a new role for me.