I received an email from a dear friend on Saturday titled continuing on after she read my chemo post and the news about my “done” not ever really happening.
It took a bit for everything to really sink in – as it usually does with me. I need some time to process it all, sort it out and get my feelings in order – that is why I have never liked fighting in the heat of the moment – I don’t have my argument together!
She wrote to me, “I am not trying to find a reason or lessen the impact, but the thought that came to me is that this will keep you in the zone. Too many times we stay centered in Spirit when we are in crisis and have every great intention of keeping up with our meditation and prayer when it is over, but then life gets hectic and we go back to our human lives…”
And the funny thing is I have thought this before. I have thought what if I got cancer this second time to make me write again…really write from my heart, about my spirituality, about life – the good, the bad and the ugly. I sure didn’t write from my heart after I was “cured” of cancer the first time. It happened a little at a time but I got back to the surface stuff that I really dislike. I really dislike the vague how are you’s, the “I got a new purse so I must be happy”, the fakeness – the fakeness that we can all be.
I read about this book called The Invitation by Oriah. The forward of book reads: “It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longings…I want to know if you can see beauty, even when it’s not pretty, every day, and if you can source your own life from its presence…It doesn’t interest me where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up , after a night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done to feed the children…It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you, from the inside, when all else fails away…I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.”
Yes the surface stuff is easy. Yes the surface stuff is a lot less scary. Yes the surface might look prettier on the outside but if we stay on the surface, how will we ever know what is in us – really in us?
So yes, it is true that I will be in maintenance mode forever but I at least it will keep me real – real with myself, real with God, real with life? I guess I can’t do anything about it except accept it and embrace it.