Thursday, February 5, 2009

Drum roll please….

The results of the all the pathology is in AND, I am FREE AND CLEAR – FREE AND CLEAR!!!!!!!!!!!! Nothing was found in the lump nodes and the margins of Bill were clear. She said this is the best possible outcome we could have hoped for. HELL YES it is! She, my breast surgeon is pretty sure I will still need radiation but I won’t know that for sure until tomorrow – my appointment with my oncologist. And, I am able to pick up Ian!
I am really thankful this chapter is coming to a close and so ready to move on from it. It has consumed my life for the past 4 months and I am over it. I don’t want to forget it though – I have to remind myself of what I have gotten through and how I have grown from this.
As odd as this sounds, it is kind of a hard for me right now – before this happened, it was my “normal” life of family, friends, work, etc. then it was trying to figure out what was going on with me – the testing, the waiting, the decisions of everything that was being thrown at me and that consumed me for a month but it seemed like forever and then it was cancer, and the dealing with it and the side effects of the treatments – all while trying to hold it all together for myself and more so for Eric and Ian and now in a blink of my eyes, it is gone and I am now a cancer survivor but now what? This is so hard for me to articulate and describe my feelings of what is going on now – my life was flipped upside down and now it is being handed back to me but I have ask, do I want it back the way it was – I don’t think so. I don’t want to live blindly and take simple things for granted – like holding Ian – I remember thinking before any of this happened, I would think, my goodness, he is so heavy, or exercising – when I didn’t do it when I was perfectly capable but I didn’t “feel like it” because I was being lazy, not telling people in my life why I love them or why they are special to me – I don’t want to go back to that person. But how do I remember that without rehashing the hard times of chemo – which I don’t want to do – but how do I come into this “new life?” It is scary for me in so many ways and it is odd and empowering at the same time.
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