Team S - Living with Stage IV Breast Cancer

Every kind of therapy

Well, I am back at it.

Head therapy

Physical therapy.

These massive highs and lows of dealing with chronic GVH, have gotten to me into a bad head space.

I knew after this last flair up, I needed help wrapping my head around this being a chronic thing. I needed help sorting out my feelings and emotions about being thrown onto yet another roller coaster.

I told my therapist this morning that these GVH flairs are almost harder than full on chemo. Because with full-on chemo I had a schedule. I knew when I was going to feel like sh*t, I knew when I was going to be low energy, I knew when I would have an appetite – I knew all twists and turns on that roller coaster.

My current life with chronic GVH is like I have been dropped off at an amusement park that has every ride hidden behind black curtains with no rhyme or reason to the park’s layout. Behind one curtain there is a super scary haunted house next to a gentle baby ride next to a super-fast loopy roller coaster.

The kiddie rides are filled with laughs and fun bright colors there to make everyone happy.

The haunted houses are filled with screams of terror.

The big roller coasters are filled with both screams of terror begging to get off sitting next to someone loving every second of the twists, turns and unknown drops.

These past two weeks I had felt like I have been being thrown into a different haunted house daily. I never knew what was going to pop out in front of me, when the lights will be on or off or flashed like a rave.

I have been on edge – just waiting for what was going to jump out.

It is so hard to keep my guard up all the time – trying to be prepared for what is lurking around the next corner.

My therapist wants me to start journalling all this craziness that goes on in my head. I am going to, but honestly it scares me a bit. 

Maybe I don’t want to sit with all my deep dark demons and ask them why they are here, and try to talk to them and tell them they are welcome here because they aren’t going to push me out – after all…this is where I live!

Physical therapy was my next stop on my therapy train today.

I must say, I do love my PT doctor and his staff. It is nice to go in and see people I know, to have stuff to talk about other then why I am there again…to have people on my side.

PT is same ole same ole. I am starting for the bottom again because yet again, I didn’t keep up with my exercises.

Oh yes, that is something my therapist told me I HAVE to stop doing – blaming and beating up myself. OH – so much easier said than done.

I did stop by Lowe’s today also to buy new paint to try a new painting technique! I am super excited about tomorrow!  I guess I can count that as art therapy?!?!