Hard times

I am a self titled "annoyingly optimistic" person.

Sometimes I might even be a bit delusional when it comes to certain situations. Hmm....honestly I don't care.

Just like I don't care when I have to admit that I am down, feel SO tired of being sick and tired (literally) and feel into a major funk last week.

11 days ago I tested positive for Flu B. I thought it was a graft verses host (GVH) flair up...nope...the flu.
That was Friday.
Spring break started that Friday too.
All I wanted to do with my son took a backseat to the flu.

My toes were starting to dip into the dark waters of despair and hopelessness.
I just couldn't help my anger.
Anger at my body for being sick yet again.
Anger at my mind for not being able to look for a little slice of something good.
Anger that yet another vacation was going to be dictated by my lack of health.
I was angry.

We still went on the ski trip that was planned. 

I was able to sleep most of the way there there (9.5 hours), but the higher altitude completely took every last ounce of energy out of me.

I stayed in the cabin and slept the first day while Eric and Ian went snowboarding. And seeing and the excitement on Ian's face while telling me about it took all my sadness away.

The next day they came home from the mountain and we all went to lunch together, then I went to the mountain with them to watch them board...which was great!

I was exhausted.

The 3rd day, they went to the mountain in the morning, came home for lunch and Ian decided he didn't want to go back because we was beat, so Eric went back solo.

I don't know when happened in my mind...I started to have a panic attack...not sure why.
When Eric go home, I broke.
I was exhausted.
I was an emotional wreck. 

We made it home on Sunday and I was SO happy just to be home. I feel comfort from my home. I feel safe here.

Monday my mom came over because I was falling apart.
I couldn't seem to pick myself us much less hold myself together.
I seemed to fix one crack only to have another one break open.

Tuesday I woke up with a swollen eye. I think I had something get in my eye the night before and but I was so DONE with shit!!

I had a Dr. H appt (just my monthly appt) and continued to crumble. I don't what it is about her that makes my walls crumble...she just makes me feel safe.

I did a healing mediation, went to sleep, had lunch with Eric and Ian got home and I could FEEL my soul starting to smile again!

Once I could feel a slight crack of a smile in my soul, I let the floodgates open and let it rush in!

SO I am happy to say...I FEEL GOOD!! I still am not all the way over the flu (this stuff is rough), BUT my heart feels good and I am ready to get back in the ring of life again.