Massive pain

I am not really sure how it happened yesterday, but somewhere in between picking up Ian at school and getting home, I tweaked my neck so bad that I couldn't turn it from side to side. When I did try to move, a pain that felt like knife on fire pierced my neck and radiated out.

I started crying because it hurt so bad and I couldn't move. Ian started crying because I was crying from pain and couldn't move from the couch. 

So there I was, stuck with my head in a downward node, bawling like a baby with snot pouring down my face all the while trying to keep Ian calm and let him know this isn't normal but it happens.

He was crying. I was crying. It was horrible. Luckily Ian called Eric to come home, and Eric had literally just sent a project he was working on off, so he was able to come home immediately.

I am happy to report I can move my head this morning!

But this made me think of the some of the other girls in my group who have PAINFUL bone mets...like this pain ALL THE TIME!

In fact I met a girl yesterday who has bone mets in her spine and her back broke from picking up her child.

My jaw dropped when I heard this and my heart broke.

This lit a fire in me... I am really going to work more on my CancerGirls to donate a percent to Metavivor...at least this way I can know I am helping the research side of this shit.

6 weeks off and more

I haven’t had six weeks off of chemo since 2011…when I was originally diagnosed as Stage 4…since then I have been on some kind of chemotherapy.

At my oncologist appointment almost  six weeks ago I was telling Dr. H how flipping tired I was and how no matter what I did or didn’t do, I couldn’t fill my energy tank. I told her I felt like I was in a horrible first trimester of pregnancy and the chemo was my baby taking anything and everything from me. As usual we laughed at the way I expressed things to her, BUT at least I knew she knew what I was talking about.

She checked pretty much everything there was to check in my blood, hence why I had to receive iron at my last chemo.

When she told me to hold my chemo for 1 cycle (2 weeks on 1 week off), I was more than ok with it because I was exhausted.  But more than that, something in my told me it was fine to do that.  I know when others have to hold chemo due to super low counts, they sometimes freak out due to the thought the cancer could be growing in between chemo cycles.

But then she told me to hold it for one more cycle…now I was going on week 4-6 with no chemo. I was the one starting to freak out a bit with this…I mean so much can happen in 6 weeks…in or out of the cancer world.

But, I am so happy to say body and brain scans both came back showing no evidence of disease! 

I do go back to Dr. H this Thursday, which I am sure she will tell me start taking my daily chemo again and honestly, I am ok with that…in my mind better safe to stay here.

Healthline's Best of 2015

Well this is news to me, but while trying to get all 6 (YES six) email accounts cleaned up I found this beauty:

"I am happy to inform you that your blog has made Healthline's list of the Best Metastatic Cancer Blogs of 2015!"

I even received a fancy badge to be able to show off this honor!

Pretend I am on a podium receiving an award:

"WOW...what an honor this is for me! I know my writing is a little choppy and crazy sometimes, but we can blame that on the 3 brain surgeries!
On a serious not, I am truly honored.  There is a lot of content out there and for me to be recognized warms my heart to know I am helping out in some way.
With love"

Aches and pains

I get that aches and pains happen, especially when we get older, but man alive, you would think I just ran a marathon with how tired and achy I am.

We went to The Celebration Of Life today put together by ZTA and Seton Breast Cancer Center for a beautiful luncheon fundraiser. Granted we were there, walking, standing, mingling for an hour before it started, I am so exhausted now and my hips hurt something fierce.

I realize it takes time to build up my stamina and every time I do a little I get knocked back down to start, I just beg this is just a today set back... I so want just "today set backs" instead of week long ones. 

BUT if you were to ask me if I would do it again, 100% yes.

5 years living with Stage 4 Breast Cancer

5 years living with Stage 4 Breast Cancer

First in my lungs and bones, everyone except me knew what the statistics were on the likelihood of me surviving another 2 years…not very good.

I blew through my first chemo, and not in a good way.  It stopped working a mere 4 months in, and the breast cancer in my lungs and wrapped around a major artery.

On to the next chemo.  This cocktail came with a trial drug, a parp.  Eric had read tons of great news on the parp, and tons of not so great news, but it didn’t matter…I needed something new.

My first scan into this new threesome was something nobody was expecting…No Evidence of Disease. To see everyone was shocked would be an understatement…we were floored and confused by this.  This was not normal…AT ALL.  But looking at all this, I was never really a normal patient.

I rode this NED streak for almost a year…until the breast cancer moved to my brain. At the ER being told this news, I just looked at the ER doctor and still didn’t understand that it was breast cancer in my brain and not brain cancer. Honestly, I don’t think it would have mattered what it was they were telling me. Brian was all I heard…the fact was it was IN MY BRAIN and I had never been so scared in my life.

I felt that 26 month window closing on me.

After they sawed open my skull to get to the tennis ball sized sack of tumor, they stapled my head back together and said I was once again NED.

Something deep in me changed after this surgery…I didn’t know if I could continue on with this cancer crap anymore.

I did…until I couldn’t anymore. I had a nervous breakdown because I believed the cancer was back in my head.  I was hospitalized to let me rest and recoup. I got more of a grip on reality and was discharged from the hospital, but not before one more MRI. There it was again…the tumor was back in my brain.

I was out of the hospital for a week before I went back for the 2^nd brain surgery. This one took more than a piece of my brain from me. I honestly didn’t know if I could bounce back again.

Somehow I did, and life was kind of normal for 5 months until that all too familiar feeling hit me again.  And once again, I knew the tumor was back.  Once quick scan later, a good cry with Eric and my neurosurgeon, I was headed back into surgery a few days later.

I woke up from this one feeling different than I ever had…I felt like the tumor was gone for good!

Going on almost 3 years now with no visible cancer!

I can’t even say this is a short snippet of the past 5 years, because there are so many parts I have left out.

I know you want me to tie this up with some pretty pink ribbon so you can read some awe inspiring story of how life is great now after all that…I want to write that for you.  But more so, I want to write the truth and for now, this is my truth.

Some days are glorious. I am on cloud 9 about where I am and how far I have come.

Other days I struggle with body aches that turn my thoughts to when was my last scan? A never ending chemo fatigue, but Hope for my tomorrow to be better.

For my whole cancer story of the past 7.5 years, you can find it here in my book, "Renee In Cancerland"

http://tinyurl.com/m8kxnzr

The picture

I am pretty sure you have all seen this picture:

That turns up at the most random places.

But I am beginning to wonder if that isn't a coincident? 

For those of you who are new here, you might not know that I do believe God leaves little trails of breadcrumbs for us to follow when He wants us to figure something out.
I have always said I want to use this cancer for good BUT when if it has been right there in front of me this who time and I just never understood how to use it the right way?

I have always said I want to show others getting a Stage 4 diagnosis doesn't mean instant death.  It can, but doesn't always and no, I don't know the reason why.  BUT what if someone reads this or one of the articles that has used my picture and wants to find out more...what if that someone has a brand new idea of unlocking some of the Stage 4 mysteries?  What if?

I know it sounds like I am living in a wanderlust world, but aren't I already? I mean, I am coming up on 5 years being Stage 4.

New attitude

New attitude leads to new art!

I am getting back into my art with a new sense of enjoyment. 

I had brought myself down thinking about making art that would sale versus making art that I truly enjoyed making and I see so clearly now… You can tell a difference when I make a piece that I enjoy verses when I make something only for the sake of a sale.

I will always make CancerGirls (below is the one I made for Holley Kitchen which once I make prints of I will offer for sale) but I want to start doing clusters of Happy Art