Friday, March 15, 2019

Do I actually practice what I preach?!?!

Do I actually practice what I preach?!?!


Do you ever wonder if people who are dishing out advice actually practice what they are always preaching about? 


Like with me...do you ever wonder if I practice my mindfulness tactics that I share ALL the time? My positive outlook?  Or do you wonder if I am full of sh*t?!?! 


I always wonder what some of the people I follow are really like...not just in the snapshot they post about.


ANYWAY - a little look into my crazy mind.


But, I do have a point here about practicing what I preach. 


My positive outlook isn’t about being able to stay in a good mind space ALL the time...I am human....my mind runs out of control ALL the time still, but most of the time I can rain it back in...notice I said MOST of the time and NOT all of the time.


I have had a pain in my left boob for the past 2 weeks. 


It is a heavy aching pain. 


Monday, after pretty much bruising myself trying to feel for a lump, having had Eric feel, I broke down and called H for a  referral for a mammogram appointment because I didn’t  feel any lumps, no hot spots, no rash, no nipple discharge, no anything abnormal except for an aching.


I was able to schedule a mamo for Thursday.


Wednesday, scanxeity set in something fierce.


Crazy bad stories were running through my mind. What if scenarios were blowing through my imagination. I was on the fast train of anxiety heading to breakdown. I couldn’t eat, I was waking up in the middle of the night, my stomach was a mess and all the other fun stuff that anxiety likes to bring along.


Thursday I had my 3 month appointment with my oncologist GYN. I asked him if the low dose estrogen he prescribed could possibly be making my boob hurt because I haven’t had a period in over 8 years so my body isn’t used to actually having estrogen side effects...something in my heart told me to ask him even in my mind I sounded crazy! 


He said absolutely that could be what is causing the aches.


In that second, I felt in my heart that all is well!


Seriously, I could feel the vail of fear I had been looking through fall from me.


Hearing from a trusted professional that my oh so hopeful theory very possibly could be what is actually happening and causing the pain, well, I was flipping estatic. I floated up to cloud 9 and was able to stay in that mind space through my mamo and sonogram appointment (I have dense breasts, so needing a sonogram is nothing new to me.) 


Even when a lady came into the waiting clearly upset, I was able to not take on her energy...I was able to firmly stay in my own cloud 9 headspace while I wrote some short stories in the waiting area. (TIP for appointments: take something with you to do that you enjoy...phone scrolling gets old and IF you are in a worried mind space the phone scrolling makes it makes you even more anxious.)


After both the tests were done, the tech came back in with a smile...NOTHING TO SEE!!!


And when I was walking out, a sweet nurse stoped me because she recognized me from the last time i was in there to see how i was doing...it was great to be able to say that I am doing amazing!


So this is to let y’all know that yes, everyone has stress, maybe breakdowns (maybe that is just me?!?!), that unexpected sh*t happens to everyone...that keeping your mind in a good place is a practice. It takes work, dedication, practice, more work, more dedication, more practice...it is a never ending journey. And when you fall off the positive outlook path, know that you can get right back on it with one simple shift in your outlook. One simple change in the story you are telling yourself...it is up to you and you alone to watch/listen to your thoughts and call yourself out on your own bullsh*t! 

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