Monday, January 7, 2019

Keep going, Keep growing

Keep going,

Keep growing

These past few weeks have been hard for me...for several reasons.

Me having a GVH flair up around Thanksgiving, got a bit better, caught a cold that moved to my chest, Christmas break, the pressure I put on myself to do things, and not feeling like moving my body much...all of these have slowly been chipping away at my mind and spirit.

I am no stranger to this. Not being a stranger is a double edge sword. 

On one side, it is great to know that it is “just” a flair up...I have had them before, I know how I will feel, and it takes about 3 weeks to feel how I felt before said flair up. On the other edge of the sword, it is so freaking hard to accept these ups and downs might always happen?!?! No one knows.  🤷🏻‍♀️

Having GVH flairs is a pain, BUT I try to remember that it is a flair from a life saving transplant and I shouldn’t b*tch and moan about it because, well - I am alive!

Seems simple enough.

It isn’t always that simple when the thoughts are churning in my mind.

As I sit here writing, after having a small breakdown to my husband about how now that I am feeling better and the holidays are over, I know it is time for me to start over again.

AGAIN - Start over on all the things I had going before my flair that started my downhill slide.

All the things that are hard and overwhelming at first. Things like walking 20 minutes a day, doing PT, doing PT on my vagina, going back to therapy, back to essentrics classes, paint more, cook, and the list goes on.

I am trying to remember that I am only on my ramp up section of my “coming back” list. Yes-I have it broken down into sections because if I don’t I become overwhelmed, and freeze like a deer in headlights. 

It is hard to remember that there are steps to my comeback. To truly remember the steps verses how I think I remember them (hence why I write everything down SO I can read my own words about what actually happened). 

I go back to all my writings during my comeback climb every time. Usually after my husband reminds me that I am on the comeback list phase and I have felt this same way every time...overwhelmed, frustrated, sad, over it all 🙄 BUT somewhere in all that crazy energy, I find a way to keep taking steps in the right direction....even when those steps are tiny.

Here’s to doing it all again.

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