Numb to loss

Numb to loss

I was talking to my therapist this morning about yet another friend who just passed away from F*CKING METASTATIC BREAST CANCER.

YES - I am yelling about it.

I was telling her my dilemma - Eric’s 40th birthday party is scheduled for Sunday brunch...Lori’s service is being held Sunday at 10:30.

I can’t be in 2 places at once.

Then I let it all out. 

All the things that swirl around in my head.

Things I have thought about too many times in my not even 40 years.

Who are services for? 

Is it for their loved ones to see who all loved them? 

Is it for closure? 

If so, for who? 

Is it for support for everyone who is affected by the passing?

I feel like a b*tch because I don’t need closure and feel jaded about yet another friend lost AND I am not torn up about it BECAUSE I knew who she was - she loved to travel - she didn’t want to be confined to this sh*t show. And I know the reality of life with Metastatic Breast Cancer. I know the reality because I have been here in Cancerland for about 10 years.

The odds are against us.

Does that make me a bad person being OK with it when my friends pass away?

I don’t think so?

I believe they are all in a much better place - no worries, no pain, NO CANCER.

But I know my thoughts on this are completely different from so many others.

I am coming to terms with this - this is how I deal...doesn’t make me good or bad...makes me human.