Here I go again...

I am sitting here watching trashy TV trying to take my mind off what is happening…yes, I am that girl who watches ALL the horrible shows that most people wonder who in the hell actually watches…I slyly raise my hand.

I have really shut my mind off to this new pre-leukemia diagnosis.  I knew all the feelings would come today…they always have in the past…they hide anywhere until the day of then they are all in my face.

I will start 5 straight days of infusion of Dacogen.  From what I understand, this will strip my blood of all the white cells for the first few rounds, then it will start helping my white blood cells complete the growing process (which is not happening now because they stop maturing way to early). Think a 2 year old thinking he is old enough to drive and in reality he can’t even reach the peddles.  

I can’t be on breast cancer chemo at the same time, so we are crossing every finger and toe possible that since I have been no evidence of disease (NED) for almost 4 years in my body it stays that way…that the BSI from years ago really taught my body how to kill off cancer cells. Only time will tell.

I am a nervous wreck…literally I feel like I could puke or pass out...I need a Xanax or many.

I keep telling myself something, anything good has to come out of this craziness.  I mean COME ON…the crazy stuff that is in my medical file thus far already makes doctors from all around say wow. 

I am asking for prayers to calm my mind, to not get sick from new meds, and peace for me and my guys.