I wish...

Today is going to be a hard day – today is Casey’s service, then her husband has invited all her friends over to their house to meet each other and celebrate her life.

It is so hard because I KNOW what great friends we could have been if were to meet at a different point in our lives…we were great friends for the little time we knew each other…but I know there was more to our friendship.

We would laugh at the craziness of cancer land we both lived in.

We would bitch about stuff the bothered us and we couldn’t tell others – stuff that others who didn’t live in cancer land with us would ever understand or didn’t want to hear…how we were afraid of dying, how we didn’t understand why cancer attacked our bodies…any body’s body, our poo issues – I swear I haven’t talked so much about poo since Ian was a baby, the stress we feel about trying to balance life in cancer land while keeping one foot in the real world…how easy it would be to let cancer land swallow us up.

I never asked her if she wanted kids – it seemed unkind. I knew what the answer was at this point in time.

I never asked her what her dreams were...I don't know why.  I guess I knew her unspoken dream - to have her cancer be gone...which I knew.

She did get the Jeep she always wanted but sure didn’t get enough time to enjoy “the hell out of it” like she wanted.

We talked about God and how hard it is to keep faith through all this – through so much.

I am all out of words…

My hearts hurts…it hurts for so much…so much.