I forget…

I forget so easily how blessed we are to have me feel good 95% of the time.

I forget so easily how feeling like crap is a total drain on me mentally and physically.

I forget so easily how feeling like crap is a total drain on Eric and Ian.

I forget so easily how easy it is to fall into a hole.

I forget so easily how hard it is to pull myself out of that hole.

I forget so easily how hard it is to get out of bed when your body aches, when you are so tired for no good reason (well, beyond the chemo just received 24 hours earlier), when your desire for the day is gone.

I forget so easily how hard it really is to go through chemo.

I forget so easily because I am blessed beyond my own comprehension. I am blessed to only have to feel like this once every 6 weeks instead of 4 days out of 7.

I never want to forget my blessings.

I never want to have to fully remember how bad full out chemo really is.

I never want to forget how utterly precious life is.

Our first fight…

I am not even sure you would call it a fight, but Ian and I had it out…it was our first time that I am pretty sure we both broke each other’s hearts.

Before we left town to go visit Eric’s parents, I decided it was time to start getting rid of stuff – we have too much stuff – stuff is everywhere and I am feeling suffocated by it.

So of course I start with other people’s stuff – not mine!

No really (well, really I did start with Ian’s stuff) BUT his 5^th birthday is coming up and I know he will be getting more stuff.  So I started digging stuff out of the closet to sale on craigslist.  We had been reading a book from Chick Fil A about a garage sale – he seemed to get the idea.

We made piles.

Piles to put of craigslist.

Piles to 100% keep.

Piles to think about.

We got home, we went through the piles again.

We were settled on the pile to put on craigslist.  And it was agreed upon – whatever money he made on his stuff, he could buy new stuff with (I KNOW, totally defeats my purpose of getting rid of stuff)!

Pictures were up on craigslist, stuff sold.

We went to Toys R Us to buy new stuff.

We get home, he and Eric are playing with new stuff and then the inevitable happened – he noticed something that went to a boat we sold….ALL HELL BROKE LOOSE

“Mommy, how could you do this to me?  I didn’t say I wanted to sell that.  I earned that as a prize. (Which yes he did – FOR POTTY TRAINING – how did he even remember this?!?!?!?) You did this on purpose…..”

And on, and on, and on.

It was bad – my heart was broke.  I tried to explain to him that no, I didn’t do this purpose.  That no, it was never my intention to hurt him.  That no, even though he was mad at me, he was not allowed to speak to me in this way. That no, he did NOT get to keep the new toys if we got the boat back. That no, I couldn’t take the crying anymore.

He was hurt, mad and confused.  I was hurt and mad.

So what happened?

I made him a deal.  I bought a new boat from Amazon (although he thinks I just got it back from the guy who bought it) and I made him take his toys that he bought with the money from the boat sale back.

I felt like a failure – like the lesson went unlearned because I caved, but I just couldn’t fight anymore.

AND to add insult to injury, Ian told Gina, “did you know that my mommy sold my very favorite toy? My favorite boat – she sold it.”

I told him he better play with this d*mn boat EVERYDAY!

Family Pictures

I am in love!  Our pictures turned out great!
Holly from HollyAnissa took them for us.  She is who took my bald pictures last year too.
She is great!  She really listened to what I wanted and delivered!

Oh, I love family pictures!!