Monday, October 15, 2012

Normal...and such

I know I haven’t written anything in a long time.  I have Gina harping at me all the time to write, to get it out there, to cleanse my mind – all of which I know I need to do, I want to do…but it has been hard.

I went with Gina to pick up Ian today from school which was wonderful.  I spent a lot of the day with her – just hanging out like we used to.

I am not sure what my new normal will be or even how to get there. Some days I feel like normal is right around the corner, so close I could grab on to it and never let go.  But the closer I get to it, the further it seems to slip.

Other days I feel like no matter how hard I look, normal is nowhere in my line of sight.

It is funny – I used to long not to be normal, to be someone who left something here on this earth – a trail of dust or something.  Now, I pray to be normal – someone with nothing special – just live a normal life, with my normal family, in my normal house…just normal.

I know this isn’t going to happen, but I do wonder what it would be like…to be normal.

Maybe normal is overrated?

I get radiation on my brain tomorrow – talk about not normal!

To be completely honest – I am scared of this – very scared. No one says there should be bad side effects, but come on – this is my brain we are talking about here.

I will be mostly put out because I have to wear this mesh mask that pretty much locks my head to the table so I can’t move. While making the, I starting getting a little antsy and freaked out – started thinking about Silence of the Lambs (NO idea why) and being as I was on the table for only ½ the time I will be on it tomorrow, the doctor said he will give me a little liquid cocktail to make it all easier – hey, I am all for all easier these days – I am done trying to prove I can do this on my own or without help.

I will touch base with y’all after radiation and let you know how it all goes.

Please pray it all goes smoothly and really is a “normal” procedure.

3 comments:

Monica said...

You are constantly in my thoughts! Lots of good juju coming your way, my dear. And hugs. Tons of hugs.

Sheila Rumney said...

You are in my thoughts and prayers. May God give you stength and wraps you in his comfort.

Lauren T. said...

I'm glad to see you writing again! I have also missed your posts. Sending all of our positive thoughts, energy and prayers your way!