Monday, October 15, 2012

Normal...and such

I know I haven’t written anything in a long time.  I have Gina harping at me all the time to write, to get it out there, to cleanse my mind – all of which I know I need to do, I want to do…but it has been hard.

I went with Gina to pick up Ian today from school which was wonderful.  I spent a lot of the day with her – just hanging out like we used to.

I am not sure what my new normal will be or even how to get there. Some days I feel like normal is right around the corner, so close I could grab on to it and never let go.  But the closer I get to it, the further it seems to slip.

Other days I feel like no matter how hard I look, normal is nowhere in my line of sight.

It is funny – I used to long not to be normal, to be someone who left something here on this earth – a trail of dust or something.  Now, I pray to be normal – someone with nothing special – just live a normal life, with my normal family, in my normal house…just normal.

I know this isn’t going to happen, but I do wonder what it would be like…to be normal.

Maybe normal is overrated?

I get radiation on my brain tomorrow – talk about not normal!

To be completely honest – I am scared of this – very scared. No one says there should be bad side effects, but come on – this is my brain we are talking about here.

I will be mostly put out because I have to wear this mesh mask that pretty much locks my head to the table so I can’t move. While making the, I starting getting a little antsy and freaked out – started thinking about Silence of the Lambs (NO idea why) and being as I was on the table for only ½ the time I will be on it tomorrow, the doctor said he will give me a little liquid cocktail to make it all easier – hey, I am all for all easier these days – I am done trying to prove I can do this on my own or without help.

I will touch base with y’all after radiation and let you know how it all goes.

Please pray it all goes smoothly and really is a “normal” procedure.
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