Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Zeal

Fervor for a person, cause, or object; eager desire or endeavor; enthusiastic diligence; ardor.

This past Sunday at church, the lesson was presented by the YOU – Youth of Unity and it truly amazed me how well put together this group of teenagers were and it more surprised me the message they delivered – which really struck a chord in me and got me thinking. The whole service was based on zeal, what it is that makes you happy, and if you don’t know what your zeal is, you need to find it. They also talked about how many of us have so many small flames within us and if we were to just find the one under laying fire to all those small flames and combine them all into one big flame, our fire inside would be so bright and brilliant, we would shine from the inside out.

So, I left service Sunday with a lot on mind and decided I really needed to pray and mediate on my zeal to find how all these little projects I have within me can come together into one big flame and shine. Once I figured it out, it seemed so simple and I almost (almost because I am learning to be easy on myself) beat myself up for not noticing this earlier – I want to enrich the lives of others with creativity – both teaching it and presenting it and I want to give them an avenue to share their emotions and feelings with others. I have always wanted to leave a footprint here on earth when my time is up and I have truly figured out how. Nope, it won’t make me a million dollars – hell, I would be happy if it would make me a few thousand dollars, but if I am able to see true joy from someone after what I teach them or give them, that is enough for me.

I had to figure this out for several reasons. I have been having this fierce battle within my heart and head and my happiness was getting lost and beat down. It was hard for me to admit to myself that I needed help, but I did and I started seeing someone to talk with and she said a lot…she explained I was still going through my grieving process of cancer. When I explained to her, while I was going through chemo, surgery and radiation, I was able to keep that f*cking smile plastered on my face and tell everyone I was fine, and it wasn’t that bad – and now that it is bad in a totally different way, I don’t feel like I have the right to bitch about it because I got over the “hard” part - all while having few breakdowns. And now that I have my hair back, everyone assumes, I should be back to normal, not tired and surely not pissed off – that I still have to have the smile on my face. I want a smile on my face but not because I have to have it for others – for others to feel okay with my situation. Yes, I could have died and yes, everyday of chemo and radiation sucked, and yes, me losing all my muscle tone sucks, and yes having no period is horrible, and yes, I have zero sex drive and yes, I try to cover my emotions with food, and yes, I just want to be back to normal, and yes, I can’t do everything I want to do and yes, cancer f*cking sucks, and yes, I have anxiety attacks, and yes, I am still depressed even though from the outside looking in, I have nothing to be depressed about, and yes, I will be okay – one day.

But with all the turmoil within me, I had no choice to go deeper within and find something good from all the shit…and I did, I found my zeal. Now, I just have to remember to remind myself of it daily when I don’t want to be social, when I feel completely overwhelmed, when I want to accomplish so much in a day and yet, don’t accomplish half of it. I guess no one ever said it would be easy, but I never thought it would be this hard.

This is a very zig-zaggy story I am telling here and I am not sure what the final point is – maybe that should be my point – there is no final point to this and I will continue along this zig-ziggy path? I guess, as long as the general slope is headed up, that will be enough for me right now.
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