Written 1/24 & 1/25/19
Here I am, sitting at Dr. H for my 6 week appointment. As I sit out here in the waiting room, I am telling myself to breathe and send loving light to myself.
I have had an emotional past few days. And a slight headache from crying...it hits me sometimes how not all put back together I am.
And I wonder if I will ever be put back together better than I am now?
I have come to the realization that I will never be put back together how I once was...it just isn’t possible.
Too much has happened.
I can’t erase my memories.
I can patch my cracks, but they are still visible.
I never know if my patches will hold...and for how long?
I realize that the way I have been living in this “other shoe is going to drop” feeling for...well, I don’t actually know how long...at least the almost 8 years living with MBC. Living with that looming over my head has really f*cked with me in more ways than I realized.
I started talking to a new kind of therapist in addition to my normal one. My new one is more of a coach...she gives me assignments to go within and search myself for the answers...this is HARD work.
I don’t know exactly what part of what I have done is what flipped the switch on for my inner flashlight to really shine on my cracks that need some TLC.
So, with me doing all this inner work has made me more emotional than normal....which I totally get - there is healing that needs to happen.
Anyway I had an appointment with Dr. H.
Something about being there with her, ALL my shields come done...and I mean all...I can’t hide the truth from her...I have tried but something about her makes any shield I have disappear....poof - gone!
I was in an emotional place anyway from doing all this self-work and seeing her was the straw that broke me all the way open.
She told me she can’t imagine. She sees how hard it is on me to be both this medical miracle but one who has lost so much while being this miracle. She also told me that I have to remember I have been doing this for 10 years, yet I expect for me to get better in X amount of time. I compared her saying this to something I heard once about relationship breakups - it usually takes at least half the time of what the relationship was to completely heal...and no, I don’t know if that is actually true.
I got home and cried more...I was grieving for all my friends, my self, all that was. BUT somewhere in all that grief, God sent me a life raft to help me back to shore.
I realized how ok I actually am.
How me being able to reach inside, find a feeling that is hurting me - look at it feeling/story, love it for teaching me something and move on. I can lovingly leave these memories in a special box that I don’t have to carry around with all the time. I can hand that box to my Angels, ask them to hold it for me, and if I want to revisit it...it will be protected and there for me.
I don’t want to erase what has happened...there is NO WAY I would be where I am now without all that has happened.
Oh, and I got bumped up to 2 months in between appointments!!
1 comment:
My Ex and I broke up 1 year and 2 months ago and i was six months pregnant. We both love each other and it was a shock to me and it really broke my heart. I tried to call him and both of his lines were disconnected. I tried to reach him on social networks but he deleted me off of them. I tried to reach his parents and they told me that their son said that he does not love me and does not want to see me and they do not know what is wrong. I cried and cried everyday because I loved him very much. Until I gave birth and the baby was one year old, I could not get my love back. Again, I was confused. I do not know what to do and I also lost my job and I have no money to take care of the baby. I was miserable in life so I cried to my sister and told her my problem and said that she knew of one powerful spell caster that helped her when she could not get pregnant. I contacted him by email and he said he will help me and told me that a woman cast a spell upon my man and said he will help me break the spell so my man will come back to me and be mine forever. It was a great surprise to me that everything that he said came to pass. My man came back to me immediately, saying that I should forgive him. I am sending a very big thank you to this powerful and real spell caster. I pray for him to live long and do more of his wonderful work. If you have any kind of problem disturbing you in life, you have to contact this powerful spell caster! He can help you. He will not disappoint you, I give you 100% guarantee that he will help you, Here’s his contact: Email him at: Ahmedutimate@gmail.com , you can also call him or add him on Whats-app: +2348160153829
Post a Comment