Friday, January 25, 2019

Being ok with being ok

Written 1/24 & 1/25/19

Here I am, sitting at Dr. H for my 6 week appointment. As I sit out here in the waiting room, I am telling myself to breathe and send loving light to myself.

I have had an emotional past few days. And a slight headache from hits me sometimes how not all put back together I am.

And I wonder if I will ever be put back together better than I am now?

I have come to the realization that I will never be put back together how I once just isn’t possible. 

Too much has happened.

I can’t erase my memories.

I can patch my cracks, but they are still visible. 

I never know if my patches will hold...and for how long?

I realize that the way I have been living in this “other shoe is going to drop” feeling for...well, I don’t actually know how least the almost 8 years living with MBC. Living with that looming over my head has really f*cked with me in more ways than I realized. 

I started talking to a new kind of therapist in addition to my normal one. My new one is more of a coach...she gives me assignments to go within and search myself for the answers...this is HARD work. 

I don’t know exactly what part of what I have done is what flipped the switch on for my inner flashlight to really shine on my cracks that need some TLC. 

So, with me doing all this inner work has made me more emotional than normal....which I totally get - there is healing that needs to happen. 

Anyway I had an appointment with Dr. H. 

Something about being there with her, ALL my shields come done...and I mean all...I can’t hide the truth from her...I have tried but something about her makes any shield I have disappear....poof - gone!

I was in an emotional place anyway from doing all this self-work and seeing her was the straw that broke me all the way open.

She told me she can’t imagine. She sees how hard it is on me to be both this medical miracle but one who has lost so much while being this miracle. She also told me that I have to remember I have been doing this for 10 years, yet I expect for me to get better in X amount of time. I compared her saying this to something I heard once about relationship breakups - it usually takes at least half the time of what the relationship was to completely heal...and no, I don’t know if that is actually true. 

I got home and cried more...I was grieving for all my friends, my self, all that was. BUT somewhere in all that grief, God sent me a life raft to help me back to shore. 

I realized how ok I actually am. 

How me being able to reach inside, find a feeling that is hurting me - look at it feeling/story, love it for teaching me something and move on. I can lovingly leave these memories in a special box that I don’t have to carry around with all the time.  I can hand that box to my Angels, ask them to hold it for me, and if I want to revisit will be protected and there for me. 

I don’t want to erase  what has happened...there is NO WAY I would be where I am now without all that has happened.

Oh, and I got bumped up to 2 months in between appointments!!


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