Tuesday, December 15, 2015

Coming out of my fog

The fog was thick, with a cold-wet wind that would slap me in the face over and over again.
I couldn't see my hand 2 inches in front of my face.
Tears of pain and sadness ran down my checks.

How did I get here again?
What punches me so hard that I land here...here in this fucking foggy cold mess?

The pain started playing tricks on my mind.
I didn't know where I was.
I didn't know where I was going.
I just knew I couldn't stand still for long for fear of never being to move again.
I had to find my way out of this fog no matter what. 

I knew my "no pain" zone was ahead of me, but I don't know how far ahead of me it was...a day or two or weeks.

Again the mind tricks start: great mom you are in bed all day, great wife you are making him do it all, great friend you are...missing all the holiday parties, and the list goes on and on and on.

I did all I knew to do: lean on Eric and pray this pain goes away soon.

Why didn't I leave a map for myself on how to get back to my happy place since I seem to be here too often...5 more days of my life lost to the fog.

Just gone. 
Those days are gone...Never to be gotten back. That is hard to swallow.

As the first day the fog thins out, I cry. I cry from relief of the pain, I cry from the fear I realize that had settled into my being, I cry from exhaustion.

Just because the fog has lifted doesn't mean all the pain left with it...or the what if thoughts...or the exhaustion. I went from sleeping 20 hours to sleeping 12-14 hours a day. 
All I can think at this point was how bad I felt for Eric for once again having to pick up all the slack. 

No one is settled even though the pain is lifting due to the MRI is showing a "mystery spot." No one is going to be ok with a mystery spot, so in for a spinal tap. Thankfully by Monday, the headache was gone. I tried to talk them out of the spinal tap... I lost.

Today I went in for CT and bone scans.

Now I wait and pray. I feel great today...just tired.


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