Calling it a win

After looking back, I can never figure out what comes first – the constant pain or the depression, or do they come as a team?

I always notice the pain first, so I will say the pain comes first.

Image if you will, what it might feel like to put a helmet on all day and night and that the right side of said helmet is entirely too tight.  It is constantly squeezing your head and from your eyebrow down to the back of your skull, there is a constant pressure pain from the squeeze.

At first you can tolerate pressure and pain and put it in the back of your mind. But honestly as the pain stays longer, as the days fade into nights, your ability to say you are ok also fades.

No one really knows what is going on, so the guessing games begin.

4^th brain tumor, migraine, swelling??

There is no one external test to tell us what is going on inside my head that is creating these mind numbing headaches.

I say external for a reason: they could cut me open again to dig out more tissue to test to see exactly what it is.

Last week was productive: had a brain oncologist appointment where we discussed my pain, we decided to start new medicines to help the swelling.  I got through 3 different medicines until I found one that works. The first 2 made me sleep…A LOT. Or maybe it was the pain?  Either way I was sleeping 12-15 hours a day.  

Thursday I broke down and told Eric I was getting depressed.  All this not knowing, all the hurt, all the extra bullshit laid on my plate was too much.  I was cracking.  He didn’t seem surprised.

I did call and make therapy appointment for the week.  I do think therapy is going to need to be in my life as long as I have these major swings of feeling like total shit to worse to a little better back to shit and then good.  I never know what tomorrow will bring.

So for today, I have a slight headache, but I painted and wrote this, so I am going to call it a win!