Team S

A bit of catch up

2012-02-10T12:57:00.000-06:00

Wow, time really does fly when you are having fun – I guess…or I just haven’t felt like writing – maybe a little of both!

We just got back from a family trip, with jus the 3 of us. We went on a cruise to Progresso and Cozumel, Mexico. It was really great to get away and be with the 3 of us, but it was really nice coming home yesterday, getting unpacked, chopping up salad stuff for a few days and settling back into “normal.” I will post pictures at some point next week!

Ian was ready to be home as well – it is so funny how much of me I see him and how much that it drives me crazy too! He didn’t want to do the “camp” there, aka daycare. But I totally get it; I wouldn’t want to be thrown in a room with a bunch of strangers and be expected to warm up to them and start playing within a few minutes. SO, he hung out with us the whole time…which looking back, I am glad he was with us. We all started driving each other a bit crazy by the end, but hey – that is what makes us family!

Treatment started up again today. I saw Dr. H, and asked her a few questions that I have been wondering about lately. I wanted to get more details on my latest PET scan and the details were that there aren’t ANY details to get! I asked her if my bones were still lighting up in the scan and NOPE they aren’t – for those of you who aren’t versed in “pet talk” no light up means no uptake which means no cancer! She told me I am NED NED – double NED!

I really almost feel out of my chair when she told me this. I didn’t expect to hear this absolutely great news.

I also asked her if I will stay on this parp indefinitely, and the answer is yes – well kind of. This parp is still not FDA approved, so I am still in a trial. As long as the trial people still feel like I am helping their cause, I will still get the medicine. But like she said, I couldn’t be helping their anymore than I am. She isn’t concerned that I will be kicked out and not get the parp.

I am still in awe of the miracle that has taken place within me both physically and spiritually this past year. I think about all the tiny little details that God had to line up to make this happen...and it not only happened, it happened in a HUGE way!

I will get a CT in mid March, still get my treatment every Monday & Friday and continue to carry on with life and be thankful for all the tiny little details that God doesn’t ever overlook.

Scan News…

2012-01-20T14:25:00.002-06:00

Honestly, I was starting to freak out…I hadn’t heard anything from anyone yet. In the past, I had usually heard my scan results either the day of or the next day. My mind started playing mean tricks on me – I started thinking that they weren’t calling because they just wanted to tell me the news while I was there and that had to mean bad news – right? WRONG.
Scans shows nothing, nada, zilch! I am still NED!!!!

It turns out Dr. H’s nurse is out of town this week and she is the one who always emails and calls me – we are tight like that! But with her being out of town, things feel through the cracks, as Lisa told me, and she felt horrible that I hadn’t gotten my results – eh, whatever. No one needs to feel bad, I just needed to hear that my report was boring – I like boring.

Same song and dance…

2012-01-15T13:57:00.002-06:00

I haven’t had much exciting going on lately – which I am NOT complaining about…just not anything notable to blog about. Sorry for the lack of writing.
Things are going really well. I am feeling a little better every day, my hair is growing (almost long enough to not look like “cancer hair”), we bought an elliptical and I am doing that at least 30 minutes a day (it is a start…nowhere near what I was doing before chemo, but I am trying to learn to give myself a break…trying), doing a weekly bible study with some of my friends which I completely love studying with them, started painting/crafting again which is bringing me so much peace and happiness.

It is with all these wonderful things going on that my upcoming PET scan scares the heck out of me. Dr. H told me a few weeks ago she doesn’t expect anything to change on it from the last one which gives me great comfort, but I would be lying if I said I wasn’t scared at all…of course I am. I am trying to give that fear over to God, to let myself remember He is in ultimate control but it is hard not to worry.

My scan is this coming Wednesday. Please pray that it is shows no evidence of disease.

Christmas

2012-01-02T08:54:00.000-06:00

We had a really great Christmas at my sister's house. It was so much fun seeing all the boys together, spending time with everyone and pretty much just hanging out.

Decorating cookies for Santa

Family picture before Christmas Eve church service

One last cookie before going to bed.

Canvas I made for Rachele as a thank-you gift for hosting all of us.

Now with 2011 gone and the start of 2012, I am really looking forward to the new year. I know this year will bring many changes - starting with one of my best friends having a baby next week, Ian going to be in school 5 days a week in August (yes, I am already sad about it), me starting to work on Project Sending Love again, and much more that I can't think of right now. :)

I hope that each one of you have a wonderful year that is blessed and filled with love and friendship.

It hits home…

2011-12-20T08:37:00.000-06:00

Too many things have happened these past few days that makes my stomach turn and scares the crap out of me.
One of our Pink Ribbon Cowgirls passed away – she was young….my age young and had a 4 year-old-son. My heart hurts for family and friends and especially her son.

Then I just got an email update from another PRC, she stopped chemo September 15 and was free and clear of the C word – it is back and she has to start chemo again.

I don’t get it. I do so good at thinking I am doing good and thinking I have it all under control and then something like this happens and I think, this could so easily be me.

It is fine line I am trying not to cross – thinking about these people, their situations, their hurt and in turn thinking “what if” that is me again? It could so easily be me again.
It sucks, cancer sucks.

Ian

2011-12-14T15:35:00.000-06:00

Here are some pictures from Ian's Christmas program at school. They aren't very good pictures because the lighting was horrible, but cute none the less. He still isn't too interested in "preforming" which I can say he comes by honestly - neither Eric or me are preformers either :)
He is out of school until after the first of the year, so we will have some fun times together with my mom here to hang out and help!

Just Parp – part 2

2011-12-11T18:10:00.002-06:00

Well, I can honestly say I am starting to feel better – a lot better. Yesterday I was still pretty tired, but I think that was from the zometa (bone stuff – yes, I still have to get that every 4 weeks).

Today, I hung with the boys all day! It was great to be able to hung out with Eric and Ian, get stuff done around the house, play, go to dinner with friends and not feel like I was going to fall asleep midsentence.

I have my parp tomorrow, bright and early so I can make it to Ian’s Christmas program at 12:30 and then I am off until December 30th – what a wonderful Christmas present that will be and even better one to feel a little bit better every day.

It is amazing how much I can tell a difference as each day passes – as I get more energy back. It is amazing how much I can now tell the chemo was beating me up and how I don’t ever want to go back there again.

I pray every day a thankful prayer of the miracle He gave me and continues to give me daily.

Maintenance

2011-12-03T18:03:00.001-06:00

Well, yesterday was the first day of maintenance for me.

So many emotions ran through me yesterday: excitement of not being on chemo, scared of not being on chemo, hesitant of what is to come…and so much more.

It wasn’t as easy of a day as I had hoped for though. After the blood work came back, I was told I need another blood transfusion – my red counts are lower than they have ever been….so I am writing this from the hospital waiting on my blood to arrive.

After getting my blood drawn at the hospital, I left after being there too long only to receive a phone call from the nurse who drew my blood – she spelled my name wrong on the type and cross and I needed to go back to get more blood drawn – to say the least, I was pretty much done with yesterday.

This does explain why I have been so exhausted this past week in the evenings – exhausted as in going to bed to around 7:00 and sleeping all night.

After seeing my Dr again yesterday though, all the frustrations I had from the last appointment were totally gone. She was so excited about me being on just the parp and told me I am her only patient on just the parp – we are blazing new territory together. It is exciting, scary and so much more. She said she didn’t know what the trial company was going to say about me being on just the parp – which explains so much.

Bring on life without chemo!

Chemo chronicle 3.final

2011-11-22T07:57:00.002-06:00

I was hoping with this being my final all out chemo, I could somehow slide through the side effects and just get on to life not on chemo – I was wrong….really, really wrong. I have pretty much been in bed since Friday when I got home from chemo and to leave yesterday to get BSI infusion.

With no appetite and feeling nauseas every time I got up, the easiest way to deal with it was to sleep…and sleep I did.

I feel better today and am praying I continue to feel better day by day.

I guess this last chemo really wanted to show me what it could do – I get it ok, you are tough and no easy thing to contend with.

I am still in a little bit of shock and disbelief that was my last chemo. Now I feel like is the time my faith has to carry me through just being on the BSI and not chemo – I know God put me in this position and I have to trust that – even though it is scary. Yes, I am scared – very scared.

Please pray for me to continue to be NED from here on out.

More News

2011-11-15T16:35:00.002-06:00

One more answered prayer – I got a call from the trial nurse yesterday telling me that I can stay on the trial drug, the parp, without having to stay on chemo with it!!
This is what I have been praying to hear. This is a chemo free maintenance! I will still have to go get “hooked up” Monday & Friday – 2 weeks on, 1 week off, but it isn’t full out chemo!

I have to finish this current cycle of chemo – Friday, but after that, I will start just the parp.

Eric has felt this is the path for me for some time now, and I know he wants the best for me, so I am going with all his research on the subject and saying this is the path for me.

Shake it off:

2011-11-13T18:21:00.001-06:00

We used to have a little yorkie named Missy. She never lost her puppy look and looked more like an ewalk than a yorkie. Anytime the front door was left open, she was lay in the sun until something caught her attention – then she would bark and stomp her feet until whatever it was that got her so ruffled went away. After that, she would shake it off and we would tell her, shake it off Missy girl, shake it off.

I had to shake off Friday. I had myself all worked up over what I expected to be said and my dr. opinion…which is just that – an opinion….nothing more, nothing less.

Jill texted me something great, “she doesn’t know what is going to happen, only God knows” and with that, I am going to go on being super excited that I am NED!! And I will continue going on knowing this!

I have had the thought of “what if” in my head too long and I always want to preface every conversation with, “well, nothing is certain” but I need to change that – nothing is certain – for any of us. And if I am NED for now, why not believe I can be NED forever?!?!

First time for everything

2011-11-11T16:57:00.000-06:00

Today was the first time I can say I wasn’t happy with my doctor.
First the wonderfully great news – my PET/CT scan from Wednesday shows no evidence of metastatic disease – which is what I have been praying for all along. This is such a huge place to be and I am truly thankful for this miracle.

On the other hand, I am pissed about today – it is a hard place to be to want to be so thankful for a miracle yet pissed at my doctor.

Long story short – or as short as I can make it.

She didn’t seem at all happy about the NED report from the PET scan – first thing that I am pissed about. Then she kept saying “when” it comes back…”when” NOT “IF” but “when”, which really pisses me off because she doesn’t know for sure it is going to come back…no one does. The data might show others in my position, stage 4 triple negative, that it comes back after being in remission for some time, BUT it isn’t 100%...and that is what also pissed me off.

She wants me to do another 2 full cycles of chemo – so four more times of Friday/Monday treatments – whatever, I am fine with that. Then she said she hopes for me to be able to take a break for at least 6 months and “when” it comes back, we will do more biopsies and possibly another treatment tactic – I zoned out at this point because honestly, I didn’t want to listen to it anymore. I plan on proving her “when” thought completely wrong. Now as far as the parp being my maintenance, still nobody knows if that is possible – another thing that pissed me off. I would think the drug company of the parp would have a plan for people getting to NED and them staying on only the parp and not chemo to show what wonderful things the parp does – I guess not.

I am SO trying to get past all this, be in the moment of thankfulness of remission, get through these next four treatments and move on to something else….ugh…cancer s*cks.

Please pray for my counts to stay up during these next four treatments and for a maintenance plan to be in place at the end of these four treatments – ideally the parp.

The Power of Prayer

2011-11-08T08:37:00.000-06:00

I can see how others who continued to work through treatment said it was easier to have something to focus on. I have been praying for a way to help others in a way that didn’t take too much energy or actually make me leave the house because I don’t have much free time in between appointments and what free time I do have, I want to spend with Eric and Ian.
The idea came to me last week…start a prayer request group for the Pink Ribbon Cowgirls. That is one thing I feel is lacking with this group – spiritual support. But I do understand why they don’t – there have to be different levels of support and their gig is getting people together to share stories, ideas, etc. But with that being said they don’t say we, the group members, can’t branch out and do things like this.

I used to think that God didn’t want to hear our small prayers – only the large ones. But over time and study, I have learned that is not the case – He wants to hear it all…even the things that seem so small to us. And I have personally learned, the more specific the prayers are the easier it is for people to pray for you. I want all the girls in the PRC to have as many prayers for them as I have had and continue to have – some of them don’t have the wonderful support system I am blessed with.

I am excited to have this to organize – it is nice to have something to do for others again.

I am going to see how this goes, get a feel for how many people get involved and the requests each week and then open it up to others. How cool would it be to have a FB page of just prayer requests? Then at anytime, people could go on there, pick a few requests and pray for them. I think it would be awesome, but right now I know I can only manage this and am thankful for this.

Mark 11:24 Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.

New blood &Halloween

2011-11-02T17:06:00.000-05:00

The blood transfusion was LONG. We got there at 9:30 and left at 4:00. Luckily I was in a private room, so we (Eric’s mom & I) hung out and watched tv (HGTV – I do get excited when I get to watch cable). They gave me some Benadryl and I passed out for about 2 hours. It was easy, but long. The million dollar question has been, “so, do you have more energy?” I would say yes – as much as I hoped it would be – maybe not, but I will take what I can get these days. We went to dinner Saturday night, I made it to Costco after church on Sunday with Eric and Ian, we went trick or treating on Monday night (even after chemo on Monday) so yes, I do have more energy. Am I ready to clean the house from top to bottom? No, but when I am ever?!?!
Halloween was a great time – I will post pictures sometime this week. Ian was Spiderman and only lasted maybe 3 minutes with his mask on – which I was fine with because he could hardly see with it on. We went trick or treating with all of our friends in the “hood” after a fun Halloween party. The kids had a blast and it was a lot of fun to see them all together. Ian did get a birdhouse for one of his treats – we are convinced the lady was cleaning out her garage. The other kids got other random treats from her house as well…very odd.

I am very much looking forward to this being an off week….I need an off week!

2011-10-28T11:04:00.002-05:00

I need to stop reading so many murder mystery books because all I can think to compare myself to right now is someone who was buried alive and is crawling out of the grave – believe me, not as grim as it seems.

These past two weeks have run me through a gamut of emotions, but I do feel like I am out of the hole I was buried in with maybe just a foot left in there.

Mentally, I am feeling better – especially taking my Lexapro at the same time EVERY day…yes, I must admit I wasn’t taking it daily – dumb I know. Again, it was one of those things I thought I could power through. I also made a therapy appt for November 8th, so I am hoping that will add to my arsenal of defenses against this.

I was told today that I have to get a blood transfusion tomorrow because my red counts are so low…not really how I want to spend 6 hours of my Saturday, but from what Eric and Gina have told me from what they have read, it should really help with my energy levels…here’s praying for that.

These last few weeks have been a roller coaster of emotions, but I do finally feel like I am back to a place of hope and desire to continue on with this cr*p. I have had some wonderful days with Ian, and those are the days I need to hold tight to when I am feeling down – unfortunately those aren’t the thoughts that come through when I am feeling down…the mind is a tricky thing and likes to play mean tricks.

Please continue to pray us…pray that the blood transfusion is easy and does give me the energy boost I so need, for Eric, and for Ian to continue to be a healthy and happy 4 year old.

2011-10-16T17:31:00.002-05:00

This past week was a tough week for me – very tough.

My fatigue seemed to take on a new life of its own and my mind wouldn’t turn off so when I was trying to rest, I wasn’t able to.

I realized something this week though – I think depression has set in more – which is such an weird thing because I all I want to do it think of my last CT scan and the wonderful words on it, but I still have these hopeless feelings, lack of desire, and a sadness – crying at the drop of a hat.

I know, it would seem that I could easily chalk these emotions/feelings up to chemo, but I have been depressed before and this feels all too familiar.

I am going to find a talk therapist and talk to my oncologist to up my lexapro.

Going through this makes me wonder though – how many times does a person going through chemo or any major illness become depressed and it gets does get chalked up to chemo side effects?

Feeling depressed sucks. I tried to tell myself I could snap out of it or to stop feeling sorry for myself, but I know this is something I can’t just snap out of on my own…just like I can’t make my cancer go away without chemo.

A walking zombie…

2011-10-08T09:12:00.000-05:00

Is what I have felt like most of the week – or what I assume a walking zombie feels like? It seems no matter how much I “rest” I am still exhausted – not tired enough to sleep but too tired to actually do anything else. I have been on the verge of breaking down most of week – these are the days when I question how much longer I can stay on chemo and feel like sh*t?
My blood work yesterday showed that my nuetrafills are super low – almost none existence...they were .3 and 1.5 is actually the lowest they like them to go…so pretty much right now I have no immune system which makes total sense when I feel like sh*t. Lisa, the nurse prac, and Lauren, the research nurse, came over to talk to me after my counts came back so low. They lowered my actual chemo yesterday in hopes of helping my body bounce back. Lisa also told me any sign of fever to call them immediately and to just lay low this weekend. Lauren and I talked too – I asked her if she knew about other patients on the trial and if they were able to just do the parp and no chemo if they came back NED – she said yes she did and the trial takes it all on a case by case basis. I do believe God sent me her to talk to yesterday and tell me that because I was starting to get a hopeless with the thought of this current chemo going on forever. I know nothing is set in stone and it all depends on my PET scan, which is scheduled for November 9th! I am trying to keep my mind off of it and still take this all one day at a time – much easier said than done!!

Yesterday was a long day – I got there at 8:30 and left at 3:00 – it was a zometa day and with all the blood work coming back bad, that added time too for them to figure it all out.

I feel a little broken down from this week…I am really praying that the nuelasta shot on Monday helps me bounce back….even if it is just a little.

It is weird to feel this broken down with the great news from last week, but I guess my counts don't care what the great news was.

A modern-day miracle

2011-10-01T11:13:00.000-05:00

I know a lot of people don’t believe the same as I believe….that God has a hand in everything. I do believe this and that is why I struggle so much with what has been going on. Though lately, I have started to believe more even though my circumstances were still the same....I still have cancer and chemo still sucks.
A lot has happened leading up to this moment – yes I will write the whole story soon. But the jist of it is, I found this book that was sent to me with the go around with cancer. “Grace for Each Hour” by Mary Nelson…and honestly, I am not sure who even sent it and no one really seems to know if they sent it to me or not when I ask.

I am not sure when – maybe two months ago, a month ago, when? I had a very strong urge to start reading this book. It has spoken to me in ways I didn’t know I wanted/needed to be spoken to.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plays for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. In those days when you pray, I will listen. If you look for me in earnest, you will find me when you seek me. I will be found by you,” says the Lord. “I will end your captivity and restore your fortunes. I will gather you out of the nations where I sent you and bring you home again to your own land.” Jermiah 29:11-14

This was one of the many passages that began to take root in my heart, bring me peace and hope again, acceptance the no matter how much I didn’t understand/want this situation that I had faith in the outcome – whatever it was to be. This book changed the way I started praying. I started praying for help – flat out help with whatever it was that I needed helped with; I prayed for help in surrendering, for help in listening to Him, for help in faith, for help in acceptance – I was done praying for me to be cured, I was done praying for me to understand the why in all this, I was done praying asking if He was mad at me – I was done praying about my cancer and started praying with a true abandonment of me…in a weird sort of way – I was praying to be closer to Him…not because I am sick but because that is what I wanted.

Marci told me a few weeks ago I seemed at peace and that is when it hit me – I am at peace. I guess I handed it all over to God without me really knowing that I did.

So back to my modern-day miracle – that I do believe my heart changing in the way it has was a huge part of it happening when it did – now.

My CT scan from last week showed “no evidence of metastatic disease” – which means that for all purposes my cancer is in remission – which is a true miracle. I have been longing to see those words since this whole ordeal started again in March. I will long to see those words forever from every scan I ever get.

I also found out yesterday that the trial I am in is now closed to new people – more proof to me that God had His hand in this at all times – if the first chemo drug hadn’t stopped working how it did, who knows if I would have been able to get into this trial – the trial drug that Eric has said all along his felt was the drug I needed to be on.

But back to chemo – I still have to stay on chemo for “a while.” I have a PET scan at the first of November which will show a bigger picture (and the stuff in my bones) and if that comes back as clean as the CT, well I am still not sure what we will do. For right now, the only way to get the parp is to be on chemo because it isn’t FDA approved. And, we all want me to keep getting the parp so for the time being I will still be on my Friday/Monday schedule for two weeks on and two weeks off.

Thank you all for your support through all this. It does mean so much to me.

Please pray that I always see those words, “NO EVIDENCE OF DISEASE” from now on, on all my scans. Please pray the parp is approved soon. Please say thank-you to God for this miracle.

I do know all your prayers help – it helps me to know that you are all out there thinking of me and my family.

Tomorrow…

2011-09-29T17:36:00.000-05:00

Holds a lot of unknowns for me – what will Dr H say about the latest CT scans, what exactly are we looking at here, can I go ahead and schedule my PET scan in 5 – 6 weeks (I REALLY hope so), can I go see a dentist (I think one of my old cavity filling is coming out), and so many more questions.
As much as I am looking forward to tomorrow to talk with Dr H, I am NOT looking forward towards chemo. This break was so needed – Marci came to visit which was such a needed blessing – she knew I needed something and as soon as I said yes, she had her airplane ticket book – she is a true blessing in my life.

This break was needed for more reasons than just breaking from chemo – I needed my heart to get back into this fight. On days I feel like crap, my mind starts in with too many questions – how long can you really keep this up, how long can you feel like crap, how long can you let Eric do so much, what would happen if you didn’t go to chemo again? But with this break, my heart can fight back to those questions…and I know this is God talking to my heart.

I am still struggling with what to eat. Meat kind of grosses me out lately, but if I am not eating meat I eat carbs and well, carbs aren’t good for me because when I eat too many of them, my left foot swells up, aka inflamed which is not good. SO I really feel like I am in between a rock and a hard place with eating – some days I really wish I could just not eat.

My hair is starting to grow again too – weird to know that I am still on chemo on have this 5 o’clock shadow again – it is soft like baby hair too.

I will report back with news after tomorrow’s appt – please pray it is what I am hoping it is.

Cautiously Optimistic

2011-09-26T08:06:00.000-05:00

Those are the exact words my nurse said Dr H told her about my recent CT/Bone scans.
The CT results are REALLY great.

I do believe the results are from God and are a miracle.

But I am also like Dr H though – I am cautiously optimistic of the results since the experience last time – a great CT…2 more rounds of chemo…a PET scan that was not what any of us thought – growth of the tumors.

I am scared to get my hopes up too much, but I also want to be grateful for the blessing He has sent – it is an odd place.

Please pray that the PET results (which I won’t get for another 7 weeks – after 4 more chemo treatments) mirror the CT results.

Flower Canvas - a Happy Birthday/Thank You gift

2011-09-15T08:42:00.001-05:00

For some reason typepad isn't letting me post these pictures - I guess that makes my decision about canceling that blog easier. I think it is time to admit that L&L isn't going to be a business anytime soon and the simple fact that I can't seem to keep up with two blogs and typepad costs. Also, I know this is my personal blog, but all this stuff I make is personal and from my heart that it feels more natural to have it all on one blog.

So with all that, I made this for Holly’s birthday. She is my neighbor who took the pictures of me a few months ago and I wanted to make her something special as a thank-you as well as a birthday.

I have a whole slew of people I want to make canvases for as a thank-you gift…there have just been so many people who have/continue to help us so much.

Wonders & Worries

2011-09-13T16:01:00.002-05:00

Well, I did it – I admitted to myself that maybe Ian needed W&W and today was the first visit. I had scheduled the first visit for a few weeks ago, then we decided to go to MI and I canceled – I almost canceled again because it is hard to admit that your child might need help – it is hard to admit that it is your situation that is causing your child to need help – it is hard to admit that this isn’t ending any time soon and if he needs an outlet now, he will surely need one more in the months to come…so, I stuck with the appointment and we went today.
Like anything new, I prep Ian with as many details as he asks for and we go from there. He was a little confused because I called it a play date, so he thought he was going to Lexi’s (our counselor) house. I tried to explain that we were going to her work but “play date” stuck in his head and he was going with that.

She was great with him from the moment we got there…she complimented him on his crocs (which is one sure fire way to his heart…odd), gave him a snack out of the snack basket (score two for Lexi), and played a game with Skittles (she had his heart). AND she told me he looked just like me, so she had my heart too since I usually only hear that he looks like Eric!

They went and played in the play room and I sat out in the waiting room and read a book.

He later told me they played a game of “what makes you….” sad, happy, angry, etc., he made a family totem pole and played. She told me he did great. I am going to call her tomorrow to get more info from her – I don’t want to talk about it with Ian right there – kind of weird to talk about him while he is right there.

I am just really happy the first visit is over, he liked her and it seems like an easy thing to do…as far as doing something like this goes.

Chemo Chronicle 3.7 & Trip

2011-09-12T07:59:00.002-05:00

Friday was a long day, but a good day. I changed my appointment from 9:30 to 10:30, so I could be the one to take Ian to his first day of school…which was a breeze. He didn’t mind at all and although he wouldn’t say it, I think he was a little excited to get back into a routine – yes, he is my child.

And this was my first Friday to fly solo – Eric needed to work while I was there so he could pick Ian up at 2:30. I saw Lisa, the nurse practitioner, and we just visited for a while – which is so nice. My blood counts are holding pretty steady – my hemoglobin is creeping down. She said a small tid bit about if it gets down in the 8’s we will talk about a blood infusion – it is 10.4 right now. Next Friday I will see my Dr. and also find out when my next CT scan will be – I am really hoping it is after next Fridays round.

I read most of the day while there, Eric made it up to visit me for an bit and I was finally released to leave at 4:40 – it was a long day, but I held tight to God’s plan anytime I would start getting anxious. I am trying hard to lean on God more during my difficult time instead of letting the craziness of all this get to me and beat me down. And I figured out yesterday that I would rather be there by myself and have Eric available to Ian verses sitting up there with me – both of us doing nothing and living in limbo…at least if he is at work during that time I don’t feel so guilty about all this because he can be with Ian after school.

Our trip to MI was nice – a little tiring but nice. We got home late Wednesday night and spent Thursday trying to get back in the swing of things around here – trying.

Ian had a fabulous time with his cousins – it was so cute to see them all together. He didn’t really want Hanna hugging him which is hard to explain to a 2-year old that he just isn’t a hugger and doesn’t like people in “his” space. All turned out well though.

I managed to get in a little relaxing and I followed my heart that was telling me to talk to Eric’s older sister about some stuff that has been heavy on my heart lately. She is one of the strongest people I know in her faith and I just had some questions for her about well, my faith – sometimes my lack of faith, God’s plan and how to stay strong in faith when some days it all seems to be crumbling around me. It refilled my soul to hear her say that bad things happen to good people and that this isn’t my fault – Eric tells me this but to hear it from someone else is refreshing in a way I couldn’t have imagined.

The weather was MUCH different than here in Austin – it rained, some days it was high in the low 70’s and all days I had to wear a fleece at some point – I must admit, it was nice to have a break from this crazy heat.

It was great to see everyone, but it was nice to return home too.

Chemo Chronicles 3.4 – 3.6

2011-08-29T19:28:00.001-05:00

I am not really sure if I should “count” Mondays as a chemo being as it is a parp and not really chemo. But my thoughts are – if I am getting poked in the port, it is a treatment.

I am very happy to say that last Friday was MUCH better than the first and today being my second Monday there; it is getting better every day. The nurses are just as kind and loving as the other office and I am starting to get know to them - which does make it easier.

It seems my new schedule of events are: Friday – treatment…tired after treatment and am ready for bed around 7:30 or 8:00, Saturday – sleep in and feel pretty good…start going downhill around 4:00, Sunday – feel a little more queasy…if I take medicine to make me not feel queasy I pass out for 2.5 – 3 hours, Monday – parp treatment and tired at night…I am tired but not down and out and each day seems to get a little better than the last. I have learned that going to be around 8:00 – 8:30 is just the easiest way for me to feel better quicker – not exciting but worth it.

We are heading out of town, so don’t be alarmed when I don’t write for over a week – the wolves haven’t taken over! Speaking of the wolves, your comments mean a lot to me. I have taken these little pieces to heart and really know they are words of truth and love. I am learning to be gentle with myself – I am hoping on vacation I can spend some time healing both physically and emotionally. And I need to remind myself we are all in a process of understanding and loving ourselves and each other – it doesn’t just happen without work and more than likely even after doing a lot work…it still takes more work.

Two Wolves

2011-08-27T18:56:00.000-05:00

In church a few weeks ago our opening prayer was started off with a story, like it is every week. This story was about an old Indian man telling his grandson of the legend of every person having two wolves in him/her fighting to survive. One wolf represents all the good in us – our spirit God gave, joy, hope, love, dreams, gratitude, charity of our hearts, etc. – the other wolf represents the opposite – greed, hate, fear, jealousy, etc.
The grandson asked the grandfather, which one wins. The grandfather simply said, “The one you feed.”

I feel like the “bad” wolf has been winning in me lately in so many ways – and it has not been a good feeling – at all.

So many ugly feelings have been slowly creeping into me and I guess I kept feeding them until I felt like that was all I had in me. Guilt: I have guilt over so many things – things I didn’t even know I could have guilt over…Ian, I feel guilty I can’t be the mom I want to be to him – some days I don’t feel like playing, I don’t feel like doing anything and I feel guilty about that. To Eric…I feel guilty about me not being a healthy wife to help him more. Me…I feel guilty towards myself for not nurturing myself the way I think I should be – like painting more, cooking better, even just walking 30 minutes a day and so much more. I have also felt jealousy towards most everybody. I am jealous of their health, of their problems – just wishing their problems were my only problems, jealous of their “easy” lives.

The good wolf has tried to tell me that I don’t know what their lives really are like, that I am doing all I can at this point, but hearing those little whispers of truth while also hearing the giant roars of the negative – well, it is hard to hear them much less believe them.

What makes it easier at times to hear one wolf over the other and only believe what that wolf is telling us? I feel like some days I have the will and grace to do what needs to be done, to believe everything will be ok, to lean on God and other days, well I don’t – I don’t know what happens during the night or when I wake up to make those days harder – to make me not believe it will all be ok, to make me not feel up to anything, to let me question God and His love for me – I don’t know, I sure wish I did. I don’t know.

Please pray that the good wolf continues to win in me, that I continue to have grace & strength as the days get a little harder and I always know that God loves me – which I know he does…sometimes I just need a little reminding.

Chemo Chronicle 3.3

2011-08-21T08:43:00.002-05:00

It was a hard day.
I admit it – I don’t do well with change….AT ALL! I like to know what is going to happen, where I am going, what it looks like, etc. Yes, Ian is just like me in regards to this and I felt a little like a lost 4 year old Friday when we walked into the office in Round Rock. My Dr. moved offices to a new location and today was the first day there….I am still not sure about it all – as with most new things.

It is a lot smaller but it is oddly too small – I know, weird. The infusion room is a lot louder due to the smaller size and it doesn’t seem things here are as streamlined as they were at the old office. Eric keeps telling me that this is just as new to them as it is to me – which is true. They had to hire a whole slew of people to come over to this office since they just made it bigger.

That was just the start of the hard day. With my new infusion of BSI (trial drug) it adds another hour onto the infusion. So now a normal Friday infusion will be at least 3.5 hours and when I have to get Zometa (bone stuff) it will be around 4.5 – 5 hrs. We checked in at 8:15 to see my Dr. and didn’t leave until 2:00 and it wasn’t even a Zometa day.

The whole time I was sitting in the infusion chair all I could think about was how in the world are we going to make this work with Ian’s school? His school will be from 9:30 – 2:30 – there is no way I can drop him off and pick him up on Fridays. Yes Eric can do one/both of them, but how long is his work going to be cool with him practically not coming in on Fridays? How long can he run around ragged like this? Yes these are the things that run loops through my head on a daily basis. I am not worried about me – I am worried about Eric and Ian.

Acceptance…

2011-08-17T14:20:00.001-05:00

We booked a trip to Michigan for my next off week. We had been holding off booking any trips until “this” was all over, but I think we are now accepting the fact that “this” might never really be over – that I could possibly be on some sort of chemo for a very long time and that is not an easy thing to accept by any means.

I am still trying to accept that Ian will one day have to learn to accept his mommy has cancer and our life will inevitably be much different than the lives of his friends.

I have accepted that wine is no longer in my bag of tricks and food is now for fuel and not for an emotional crutch.

I am still trying to accept that I might possibly be bald for the rest of my life.

I am learning to accept emotional support from others and not try to be so strong all the time. I have been doing better and if I feel like crying to whomever, I cry…I don’t try to hold it back. I even let Gina hug me while I was crying the other day at swim school – that is emotional progress for me!

I have accepted our family of three is just perfect.

Accepting that this life is now my life…our life - has not been easy – I had been in denial for many months – I admit it. I kept thinking that the 4 months of my first chemo was going to be it, I could wash my hands of this again and go on. I am truly now accepting that scenario, as awesome as it would have been, it not the case.

The big 4!!

2011-08-14T18:54:00.001-05:00

Well, just like Christmas birthdays come and go super fast. This one was no different, but I am VERY happy to say that it lived up to all the expectations Ian had for it. He told both me and Eric that this was the best birthday ever – not really sure he remembers the others, but it made me heart smile.

We had a great birthday weekend. My mom, sister and nephews were here to help Ian celebrate and he couldn’t have been happier.

Now we are in the midst of a toy cleanout – man alive, how do we have so many toys?

Here is a link to the snapfish pictures from the big 4th birthday!

I have also started writing Ian letters (per Gina's suggestion of why not) This is the one I wrote him for his birthday:

Dear Ian

Wow – I really can’t believe that you are 4 years old today.

You amaze me daily with your loving heart, sweet nature and ability to make me laugh! You become more empathic daily being concerned with other’s feelings and well being. If someone is hurt or needs help, you are the first to run and tell me. You play really well with your friends with the occasional “fight.” I have tried to tell you if someone hits or pushes you first that it is okay to hit/push back to stick up for yourself, but you aren’t big on this. You aren’t a fighter in one little bit. You are a lover and want everyone to peaceful and just get along.

You always know just what to do to make me laugh – even if you are getting in trouble – which is really not very often at all. You have this dance you do that no matter what is happening will make me laugh out loud. You often do this dance just to make me laugh. I can tell making me laugh is one of your priorities and I must admit that I do love it.

You already have a little engineer’s mind. You want to know how everything works and sometimes I have to tell you that you need to ask daddy because I honestly don’t know how it all works. You love to play games and hate to lose. I try to explain winning isn’t everything, but you don’t want to hear it. You don’t really like to play by yourself yet, so we play together most of the time when we are at home. You love daddy telling you stories at night, anyone reading you books, chocolate milk, grape juice, apples slices, talking all the time and so much more.

I can say this summer you all officially learned to swim on your own – you even jump off the diving board by yourself. Of course daddy was the first one of us to let you do it because even though I knew you could, it made me nervous.

You are the light of my life and I love you with all my heart. I can’t wait to see you grow up my little man.

Love,

Mommy

Pictures, trials, birthdays – oh my!

2011-08-10T17:27:00.000-05:00

I have a feeling this is going to be all over the place – sorry in advance.
Pictures: My neighbor Holly, who is a photographer, took some pictures of me back in June (really, was it that long ago?) She printed all these on the link off for me and I am honestly still in awe of the sweet comments from her blog. I have never thought of myself as “stunning” as she likes to tell me people are posting on her blog, so it has taken me a while to post them here. It is one thing on her blog – I mean she did take the pictures but on my blog, I don’t know…it is always scary posting pictures of yourself…you know? Then she told me today that she entered a black and white contact here and it was picked from thousands of other pictures – which completely blows me away. Anyway, I must admit as one, who really doesn’t like to be the center of attention, it feels awesome for her to send me all the amazing comments from this picture too.

Trials: YIPPIE, I got word today that I was accepted for the parp trial!! This is great news. Eric has been asking my Dr about parps from the get go. He told me he really feels this is the right path for me. I will go with him on that thought being as he is the one out of us two who does the research! This does mean though, that I will be getting infusions on Fridays AND Mondays which is a huge pain in my a*s, but hey if it works, I will get infusions two days a week forever if I need to. I will be on a two week on/one week off schedule now. I am off this Friday and will start all the parp stuff next Friday.

Ian’s 4th birthday is tomorrow. A big shift has happened in me these last few months. Before all this cancer nonsense, I was dreading Ian growing up. I wanted him to stay my baby forever. Now I am so exacted about his birthday tomorrow and all others to come. I now just want to see him grow up – plan and simple. I also realize that life goes on – no matter how much we try to stop it or how much we wish things were different, life goes on…day by day. I have had a rough couple of months not feeling good, wondering if I was possibly driving myself crazy (that is still up for debate), feeling like I am continually going through the grieving cycle, but looking at him reminds me I am here today to be his mommy. So here is to my big boy’s 4th birthday and many, many more to come.

Chemo Chronicle 3.2

2011-08-06T18:49:00.000-05:00

Still no word on the trial…the research nurse is 99% confident I will get in, but says she won’t be happy until we have it in writing – I am going with that also.
Treatment was easier today. It lasted a little over 3 hours and instead of watching trashy TV I decided to meditate and envision my cancer cells being blown up by the chemo – hey, whatever I can do to help. My white blood count is low, so I have to get a nuelasta shot on Monday.

Last week’s treatment treated me pretty good. I was really tired, but I never got too nauseated. I just felt morning sick a few days but nothing that made it impossible to go with the day. I did have trouble eating which s*cks. Nothing but crap sounds good, so on one hand this is affecting me a lot like A/C did (the first chemo I ever did).

I think all this is catching up with Ian which seriously breaks my heart. He told Gina last week that he didn’t like going to her house because it always meant I had to go to the doctor. She is so great with him and told him that no matter if he was at her house or home with BB, I would still have to go to the doctors. Both Eric and I have made a conscience effort to talk as openly as possible with him about it – which is so hard. I want to shelter him from all this, but that is not looking like it is possible. I made him an appointment for Wonders & Worries in 2 Tuesdays. We hadn’t done this before because well, we didn’t think this was going to go on for this long…now, well, we don’t know when it will actually end.

Another thing that is on my mind is this whole going vegan bit. Marci told me to pray about it – I did. I prayed for an answer and today my friend sent me an email with info for this coming movie: http://forksoverknives.com

I am going to order it on August 9th. I am thinking this is an answer to my prayer but in all honesty I am not excited in the least bit about going vegan which I don’t know if that is going to make it easier or harder – I guess I wasn’t excited about giving up sugar or wine either. But on days when I don’t feel like eating (Sundays and Mondays) just the thought of rice and tofu make me want to vomit. I also don’t like to cook – never have. I would assume eating vegan means me cooking all the time and honestly I don’t have the energy to cook. I want to do everything I possibly can to help get this cancer out of my body – does that mean going vegan? Would doing it some days help – I just don’t know.

It seems that people did like the specific prayer requests from last week, so I am going to continue those. Please pray that I get into the trail and that my energy returns for Ian’s birthday party next Saturday. We are keeping it small this year because in the past he was overwhelmed with the amount of people who were there. Eric read somewhere a kid should have the number of guests at the party as the age they are turning – we aren’t doing only 4 guests but not many more. He got to make his guest list of his friends and I just said ok, it is your party you invite your friends! I really hope this party lives up to his expectations – he has been talking about it since March.

2011-07-30T18:46:00.000-05:00

I guess it is time I write this. I was thinking if I didn’t write it or talk about it that it would somehow not be true and go away – I am pretty sure that is not actually the case.
Yesterday was a really, really hard day.

Here are the facts – I am not sure how so much got lost in translation from the CT report in May to now – I think we were all on such a high from the great response, Eric and I didn’t ask enough questions. The spot that was a huge cluster on the front of my lungs was the spot that was left after the CT scan – I was under the impression that whole thing was gone – not so much. That is the spot that has grown since the May CT scan – we can’t just have it removed surgically because it is all twisted up in blood vessels and what not. There is a new spot but too small to show actual uptake. The spot on my left shoulder is still there – hasn’t gotten bigger or smaller and there is still some on my right rib.

I am so grateful that we knew about most of this on Monday otherwise yesterday would have been a complete mess – we had time to digest the news and get our questions together before actually talking to her.

So I started on a new chemo cocktail yesterday: carboplatin and gemcitabine. We are also trying to get me into a trail for Iniparib - I should know about this next week. These 2 chemos are more intense than what I was on with more potential for side effects. However, with this combo and the parp inhib (trial stuff) they have had great response.

I am going to start asking y’all for specific prayers – I have heard people having true miracles happen from this.

My prayer for this week is: to get into the trial and not feel side-effects.

Eric and I allowed ourselves to have our pity party last night and get it all out on the table, but today we woke up fresh and ready to take it on. We are well aware I more than likely will be in chemo for quite some time, but peace has been made with that fact. I was questioning how long I can go on like this, but after today doing what we do, I know I can do this forever – I might just need to sleep more than normal people.

I am also on the fence of doing a raw/vegan diet. We have pretty much been there on the vegan stuff except a few items and well with my vitamix, I can easily do raw. We also had the best gazpacho yesterday and I could easily eat that every day. I don’t know…I just don’t know. Of course I want to do all I can do but at what point am I going to drive myself crazy reading stuff that might or might not work for me?

Well….sh*t…the good, the bad and the in between

2011-07-27T08:30:00.002-05:00

This is not at all what I had prepared myself for.
I got the call late Monday afternoon with my PET scan results.

I am still numb, confused, p*ssed off and asking why?

What I thought was extremely good news now turns out to be just okay news. I thought ALL the bone stuff was gone, but after getting the actual report yesterday and reading it – I still have stuff on my left shoulder. I so wanted all the bone stuff to be gone.

The bad news – the one spot on my lungs that was left has grown from 1.8 cmX1.3 cm at the time of the CT in May to 2.4 cm X 1.4 cm now, and I “think” this is actually a lymphnode, but I won’t know fore sure until Friday. And there is a new spot that is 4 mm…not big enough for the PET to tell what it is.

I am numb – I am not sure what to think, what to do, anything. This seems to be a bigger shock to me than the diagnoses, but I may have just forgotten that already.

From what Eric has read, this isn’t all that uncommon – it was uncommon how well I responded to the Axbraxian in the first place. He also read that many people have to try a few different chemos through their journey because the cancer adapts to the chemo – which is just so crazy to me.

I was just so sure I was done. I was so sure everything was working the way it should….I was so sure of it all. I just wanted a break from this so badly. I just didn’t want to have to think about “what ifs” anymore. I feel defeated.

But not for a second will I stop fighting…I have too much to fight for.

A big, fat tantrum

2011-07-21T09:05:00.000-05:00

Is what I want to throw – if I were an irrational 2 year-old.
I kind of know why kids throw massive tantrums when their world is out of control – that out of control feeling sucks and sometimes they just need to voice their opinion of suckage.

I was talking to Marci after a pretty rough day a few days ago and instead of calling her when I started feeling out of control I waited until I was full out of control – which is fine with her because at least we can laugh at some of the sh*t that comes out of my mouth and yes, I am one of those that once I say sometime out loud it frees me of the thought that circulate through my mind.

I figured out that this point in my life is so hard for me right now because all the coping mechanisms I have used for so long are no longer available in my bags of tricks.

Drinking alcohol. Yes I admit it – I used alcohol to numb me to the situation, to celebrate something, to free me for as long as I can remember. Things weren’t going to good – go out for a drink. Wanted something fun to do – go out for a drink. Just hang out with friends – drink. Broke up with a boyfriend – all the girls come drink. Rough day – a glass of wine at night…oh, who am I kidding – maybe a bottle!

Food. Food has always been an emotional crutch for me since as long as I can remember. Sad – eat. Happy – eat. Bored – eat. Mad – eat. Stressed – eat. And what I would reach for was always carb and sugar loaded food. Yes they made feel better in the moment, but always left me wondering why I did that.

Exercise. I have been knocked back to walking and yoga. I feel like I have been asked to go to the back of line because I can’t hang with the big girls. I will admit I haven’t given either of these the real benefit of the doubt because I am still being a baby and throwing a fit about my lack of physical conditioning. But exercise, a good hard sweat used to clear my mind and get me centered and now, well let’s just say the thought of me running more than 2 minutes makes me want to curl up and go to bed.

I am trying to find new coping mechanisms to help me deal with this, with everyday stress, with life as I now know it.

Chemo Chronicle 2.12

2011-07-17T18:29:00.002-05:00

12…12 chemos…way too many.
When I look at this, it really doesn’t surprise me how flippin’ beat down tired I am. Nothing I do seems to help this tiredness – I can’t sleep all day because, well that isn’t natural, but I can’t get up and actually do anything because I feel like I might just fall asleep at any given moment.

My appointment on Friday was nothing exciting. My white blood count is down, so I need to be careful this week and next with germs and what not, but other than that nothing new or exciting.

I am on edge about this coming Friday’s PET scan. The nurse prac. did tell me that I am “allowed” to call at 3:01 on Monday if I by chance haven’t heard from them. We were laughing because I told her I needed a time I was allowed to start calling and not seem like a crazy person pushing redial nonstop, so she said 3:01 is completely acceptable!

I keep telling myself this is my last Sunday to feel this tired and this beat down…here’s hoping!

Unknown

2011-07-13T14:54:00.002-05:00

It hit me the other morning that I am scared of this coming Friday - scared of the unknown of what is to come next.

It is almost 99% certain that this will be my last full round of chemo and that scares me and it scares me if this is NOT my last full round. I had a complete pathological response last time I had chemo - that means the chemo ate away all the cancer last time too. It scares me that it came back, it scares me to think about chemo anymore, it scares me to think about it coming back again – it all scares me.

There are a few facts that Eric and Gina like to keep pointing out to me – really, one would think they get together and plan their defense speeches to me and all my arguments to them because their speeches are always the exact same – kind of annoying!

- I will be on maintenance this time and will have MANY more scans while on maintenance. I know this – I do, but the thought of going off full chemo does scare me.

- I have taken charge of my health this time around. Last time, I talked a good game but never really made huge changes. I figured, it was gone and that was that. The fact that I have cut sugar and processed foods out makes a huge difference.

- I don’t really have other statistics to look at here – there really aren’t many other women with trip negative metastatic who make it to maintenance, so yes this is a great achievement and a great stat to add for others in my situation.

I DO know all this stuff…but it doesn’t change the fact that I am scared of the unknown, of what is to come – I wish it did, but it just doesn’t.

Chemo Chronicle 2.11

2011-07-09T09:37:00.001-05:00

Eleven….eleven chemos done. This is all still so bizarre to me. I sometimes wonder if this will ever really seem normal or will it always be bizarre to me – especially when I start maintenance? I am guessing it will always seem bizarre to me – just what is happening in my body, what the medicine is doing in there, what my body is capable of and is doing…it is a true miracle.

I am defiantly feeling that this was number 11 – I haven’t been bouncing back near as fast as I was…who am I kidding – I am not bouncing back at all! I am pretty much either tired or exhausted all the time – even on Wednesdays and Thursdays which both used to be my “good” days. Eh, so be it. I still have to think that if tired is the worst of it, I can easily take it! I still have random bone pain but nothing is consistent from day to day. On one hand I wish it were so I could plan my days but on the other hand the bone pain not being consistent means sometimes I have it and sometimes I don’t – see all very bizarre!

Treatment this time was easy cheesy. I didn’t have to see Dr H or a nurse being as this was #2 of this round. At the end of my treatment though, I was talking to my infusion nurse about how zomata (bone medicine from last week) wipes me out.

The man next to me overheard and suggested I get unflavored pedialyte. I never knew they had unflavored but like me, he doesn’t eat sugar – hence the unflavored. It kind of taste like watered down pickle juice – it is a very odd after taste. Anyway, he told me he gets zomata once a month and until he figured out to do the pedialyte he was like me – exhausted. Then he tried the pedialyte and the hydration from it helps him feel good – even after treatment. We also chatted a bit about diet – I love talking to people who take the same approach as us to this – it does help me know we aren’t too crazy! He was given 12 months to live – 28 months ago! He cut all sugar, processed food, does mind/body/spirit approach as well! Really, this helped me SO much hearing this. It is hard to say no to wine, to eating out, to food at parties, but to know, really know that it made/will continue to make such a difference to my health – my no more cancer makes it totally worth it.

Peace or Drama?

2011-07-06T14:51:00.002-05:00

Do you want to be right or be happy? Do you want peace or drama?
These were two questions that our minister talked about one Sunday that really, really hit home with me. You can’t have both at the same time – you can’t have peace and drama at the same time within yourself – you can’t want to be right and be happy at the same time – one of them takes ego and the other takes heart/Spirit/love.

I feel like a few weeks ago were filled with drama within myself – I wasn’t allowing the peace to be in me – I wasn’t allowing myself to get in that place that I know and love – in my heart. I was only allowing myself to have turmoil within my heart – and it was a bad feeling.

I was taking the simplest things to heart, thinking if someone said something it was automatically directed at me and my guard and defenses went up. Of course, I talked to Eric about it but his answers weren’t what I was looking for – I wanted him to justify the fact that I “should” have my defenses up and possibly start an argument with these people. Then my next stop as always was Marci, but when she told me the same thing I knew the drama was within me – not with these other people.

I had been down, feeling hopeless and like I was drowning. Once I made the decision that I was going to ask for help – get back on Lexapro, something in me changed – even before I started the medicine. I realized even though I need a little extra help with medicine that it was still up to me to change my attitude, my thoughts because the more I thought about feeling bad, the worse I felt.

It took a lot of going inside my heart, praying for guidance and understanding with this and a lot not to get upset, not to let the negative thoughts get me down and keep me down and let go. For this I am thankful – I can tell I have grown and am continuing to grown into the person I want to be – one who forgives easily (yes, even myself), one who turns to God for strength and guidance and one who is happy – truly happy.

Chemo Chronicle 2.10

2011-07-02T13:28:00.000-05:00

I really can’t believe I am starting my 4th cycle. On one hand it seems like these past 3 cycles have all gone so fast but on the other hand, I feel like we have been dealing with this forever – time is such a funny thing.
After dropping a very excited Ian off to a very excited Parker, we were off. Just knowing how much they love each other and what a great time Ian has over there makes it SO much easier to leave him for a few hours.

We had a great visit with Dr. H – and yes, that is what we do – we talk and laugh about stuff going on in our lives – we don’t just talk about cancer, treatment and “this.” We did figure out the name of the doctor I had seen at MD Anderson – which we were previously calling “the funny man” because none of us could remember his name and because he is pretty quirky. She needs to chat with him about my “maintenance plan.” Laurie and I decided that the word “maintenance” makes it sound like I am a car with a maintenance schedule to keep – hey, if I can be a fine tuned, well running machine I will take it!

We talked to Dr. H about my upcoming PET scan which she said was really looking forward to seeing the results – score one for Team S. I mean really, to hear her say that she is looking forward to the results as she expects to see negative – NEGATIVE CANCER really hit home with me – she believes as much as I do that this is gone! She didn’t yell that at us, but she could have and I wouldn’t have minded it at all! Also, she told us we can go ahead and plan a little vacation that following week – in my mind that means my current chemo schedule will not continue! So PET scan is on July 22nd and follow up with Dr H is on July 29th – I mean really, I cannot wait for that appointment!

Other than that, same ole same ole – I got zometa for my bones. I feel ok this morning – I am tired but nothing too new on that front! My mom is taking Ian to a small water park today so Eric can get some work done around here and I can rest. Rest is good for me at this point in time!

It’s Back…

2011-06-27T20:28:00.000-05:00

My creativity, my desire to create, my interest in creating and my knowing how much creating helps me – helps me heal from the inside out.

I am not sure if it is the fact that Jill came and helped me clean/organize my craft room, if I started taking Lexapro again or if I have made a VERY conscious effort to pull myself out of this slump, talk about it and lean on God, family, and friends more – whatever the case, I am feeling so much better knowing just knowing that I am feeling better – make sense?

Anyhow, I made this canvas for Ian’s room.

I want him to know in his heart that God loves him, that he is precious and perfect in God’s eyes no matter what. I want him to know this, to hear it on a daily basis and I figured it hanging on his wall for us to read to him daily is a great way to ingrain it in him.

I am really enjoying painting again - it does help me heal.

Yes…

2011-06-24T14:20:00.000-05:00

Yes I am ok – well, getting there
Yes I started back on my “happy pills”

Yes my body is one big unbalanced mess

Yes I am starting to work out again

Yes the help you send/give is MUCH appreciated

Yes I am so ready to get my PET scan

Yes I believe in my heart that all the cancer is gone

Yes I still leave it all in God’s hands

Yes my face is crazy dry

Yes I have neuropathy in my left thumb and index fingers

Yes my other nail beds fill like I smashed them in a door

Yes I still remember to laugh – really a lot of the time

Yes I love on Ian daily

Yes it warms my heart

Yes I thank God daily for Eric

Yes he is my strength

Yes I let Ian watch too much tv

Yes I am ok with it – for now

Yes I am creating again

Yes it helps me heal

Yes I will continue to talk about my grief

Yes I know it helps

Yes I promise to not pretend all is well when it is bad

Yes I know my normal has changed

Yes I am starting to accept it

Yes I promise – I will be okay

Yes I am sure

A fine line

2011-06-22T17:26:00.000-05:00

A fine line

between too much

and not enough

A fine line

between care about me

care for me

and

leave me the hell alone

A fine line

between asking how I am

and

ignoring the fact I go to chemo 3 out of 4 weeks

A fine line

between my smiles

and

my tears

A fine line

I walk everyday

A fine line

that sometimes

I am on both sides

at once

Neither side is better

Neither side is easier

Neither side is safer

A fine line

of feeling good

of feeling like shit

A fine line

of living in limbo

of not knowing what tomorrow will bring

A fine line

that can blur all too easily

I actually wrote this back in March, right after I started chemo...
I still feel this way most days...
It is hard to walk to the line...

My life right now – in music

2011-06-17T11:03:00.000-05:00

My friend Amanda sent me an email last week titled “Friday Friday Friday – Gonna Kill my Cancer on Friday” and asked me if Friday was my fight day. I told her I needed to start listening to the theme song from Rocky and that I wished I felt good enough to feel like fighting....seriously, I wish I felt good enough to knock the sh*t out of something.

Yesterday she sent me the following “Its Game Time” theme songs:
Because Rocky is a bada*s and this can get anybody ready to fight! And yes Amanda, I have watched all of the Rocky movies.

She asked if it was offensive to compare chemo to an NBA game - I don't think so. It is all about winning and saying suck it to the other team or cancer.

This she sent because who doesn't love this scene from Footloose?!?!

Now here are my music picks for my life right now:
THESE NEXT TWO DROP THE F-BOMB SO DON'T LISTEN TO WITH KIDS AROUND:
This is my ode to cancer right now:

Not sure why this Pink song made me cry the other day when I watched them perform it on "The Voice" - it made me think of how God thinks of us - we are f*in perfect in His mind - offensive to think of God and the f bomb in same sentence - yes a little but it packs a punch.

This next one is by an guy names Jami Lula - I LOVE his stuff. It is spritual and I love the tone and message of all his songs. I like to think of my this as my true theme song - there is a whole lotta healing going on

I am sure there are many, MANY more - I could do several posts on different points in my life in songs...music speaks to me in a way not many other things do and the funny thing is that I am NOT musically inclined at all. Different songs hold so many different memories for me - I can hear a song and it transports me back to a moment. I would like to be transported out of this moment - writing this post in chemo.

Out.Of.Control

2011-06-15T16:45:00.000-05:00

I feel 100% out of control in my life right now – in so many areas I don’t even know where to start.

Out of control with my body and what it is doing. I “thought” I had my after chemo schedule down but these past few weeks nothing is the same as it was. I am thoroughly exhausted all the time, I have a dull ache most of the week and my stomach is doing so weird things.

Out of control with the house – now don’t get me wrong, I have never been one to really keep the house all that picked up, but this is something that is adding to my lack of control – a messy house, but I don’t have the energy to pick it up daily.

Out of control with my emotions – I feel I am short with people, I feel like I snap at nothing with Ian, I feel like I never know what is around the next corner.

And what sucks even more is the more I feel out of control, the more I try to control something and being as I am with Ian most days this leads to me trying to control his actions – which is the silliest thing ever trying to control a 3 year olds actions.

The actions I am trying to control aren’t even important in the grand scheme of things – I just want to be control of something. And I find myself looking at me through his eyes and wondering what happened to his mommy who was healthy, active and easy going but now a ball of stress because I feel like everything else is crumbling around me.

I have to take a step back and ask myself if this really matters and the answer is most always no – it just sucks that I have to do it so many times a day.

Chemo Chornicle 2.8

2011-06-11T07:50:00.000-05:00

First of all, it completely freaks me out that I have had 8 rounds of chemo. Last time 8 was my magic number – I had 8 rounds total and I was done – or so I thought.
Today was an easy day in terms of chemo. My appointment was at 8:15, so it was up and Adam early around here today. Gina told me that we could bring Ian over in his pajamas today, and he was beyond thrilled about that!

It was hard in terms of realizations. I was/still am extremely tired – not sure if I am just wearing down, the fact it is hotter than h*ll or what. We went to a small water park Thursday and for some crazy reason Ian didn’t nap. I ended up going to bed at 7:30 Thursday night and slept ALL night. Yes, I slept 11 hours – crazy.

I asked the nurse when she brought me the sheet with my blood count read outs on it if my red count being a little low was the reason I am so tired. She kind of laughed and said my red isn’t really “that” low and I am going through a little thing called chemo. And she nailed it when she said, “and I bet you don’t slow down – you just added this to your to-do list” and she is right….to a point.

Up until about 2 weeks ago I was going all out – did everything I had been doing but I broke a few weeks ago…and I broke hard – like my whole egg cracked and my yolk was running out everywhere. I realized I couldn’t do it all anymore and when I was totally honest with myself, I realized I didn’t/don’t want to do it all. Yes, I was the only one expecting me to do it all – I wanted to/still want to be super woman but I now know I have to say no – I have to say no to what doesn’t help me heal, doesn’t help me rest, doesn’t help me be the best mom, wife, me I can be – I have to say no. Saying no is hard – HARD for me. I want to do everything I am invited to do, I want to be there for my friends as they have been for me, I want to but the reality of my life right now is that I can’t…not how I used to be able to be there. Like me and my life as it changes, my relationships have to change also.

My family, my health and spirituality are the most important things to me right now and always (sometimes it is easy to forget that), so if I have to miss get-togethers, lunch dates, play dates, taking orders for Leopards & Lilies and many other things – I need to, I have to, I will.

Just when I think I have it all figured it out, life dictates a new role for me.

Against the stream...

2011-06-09T14:07:00.002-05:00

What you choose to dedicate your time to matters, not just for you but for all those who are affected by the withholding or the deliverance of your unique gifts. What are you dedicating your time to? - Debbie Ford

I get these daily “life lessons” or whatever you want to call them from http://namastenow.com/

I love them. I love reading these little tid bits every morning with my cup of coffee – yes, I still drink a cup of coffee every morning and I read my computer instead of a newspaper – I don’t even go to real news sites – I don’t need that negativity – in the morning or ever…WOW, I totally jumped ship on that little rant.

Back to the quote above – it was funny, this came when my hubby was deciding to change jobs. He had a very “cush” job where he was, but his heart wasn’t in it anymore. He didn’t feel he was using all his talents to better himself or the whole anymore.

He took a big step and changed jobs. He got lots of “whys” from others who are still at old job – in terms of why leave a gravy train, why leave something you know, why leave “this”? But the thing is, “this” was filled with negativity – people always talking about what was wrong, what they weren’t getting, blah, blah, blah. He left lots of stock options but in the end, those stock options, that money would never change the fact that he needed – craved something new, something better…something his heart was calling him to do.

He stepped out, got a fresh breath of air and took a leap of faith…and I couldn’t be more proud of him.

He decided to swim against the stream instead of flowing with it – where as going with the stream it was easy but it wasn’t getting him where he needs to be.

It is hard to swim against the stream. It is hard to leave something you know for something you have no idea about. It is hard to take a deep breath, tell yourself you can and let go of that security blanket and walk away…it is hard. But it is oh so worth it.

Believe me, I am preaching from experience here. I held so tight to that security blanket…the security blanket I called my job before my first round of breast cancer. I knew my job, I was good at it, but it didn’t give my spirit a boost, it didn’t make my heart sing….it didn’t do much of anything besides give me a paycheck and guilt that I wasn’t home with Ian. I was scared though – I was scared of what life would be without that paycheck. I now look back at the sillyness of that – yes at first it was a little tough to know I wasn’t “contributing” to our bank accounts but then I realized I was contributing to life, Ian’s spirit & heart and us, our family. Once I stepped out of the “norm” and looked at us, our lives, what I/we need – there was no choice – my heart had spoken and it was time for me to swim against the stream.

I am not saying what I did is what all people want. But I am saying if your heart is telling you that something needs to change, something isn’t right – just listen. You don’t have to do something about it right now but listen – your heart knows the way and it is has an amazing story to tell if we will listen.

Continuing on

2011-06-06T17:10:00.000-05:00

I received an email from a dear friend on Saturday titled continuing on after she read my chemo post and the news about my “done” not ever really happening.
It took a bit for everything to really sink in – as it usually does with me. I need some time to process it all, sort it out and get my feelings in order – that is why I have never liked fighting in the heat of the moment – I don’t have my argument together!

She wrote to me, “I am not trying to find a reason or lessen the impact, but the thought that came to me is that this will keep you in the zone. Too many times we stay centered in Spirit when we are in crisis and have every great intention of keeping up with our meditation and prayer when it is over, but then life gets hectic and we go back to our human lives…”

And the funny thing is I have thought this before. I have thought what if I got cancer this second time to make me write again…really write from my heart, about my spirituality, about life – the good, the bad and the ugly. I sure didn’t write from my heart after I was “cured” of cancer the first time. It happened a little at a time but I got back to the surface stuff that I really dislike. I really dislike the vague how are you’s, the “I got a new purse so I must be happy”, the fakeness – the fakeness that we can all be.

I read about this book called The Invitation by Oriah. The forward of book reads: “It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longings…I want to know if you can see beauty, even when it’s not pretty, every day, and if you can source your own life from its presence…It doesn’t interest me where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up , after a night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done to feed the children…It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you, from the inside, when all else fails away…I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.”

Yes the surface stuff is easy. Yes the surface stuff is a lot less scary. Yes the surface might look prettier on the outside but if we stay on the surface, how will we ever know what is in us – really in us?

So yes, it is true that I will be in maintenance mode forever but I at least it will keep me real – real with myself, real with God, real with life? I guess I can’t do anything about it except accept it and embrace it.

Chemo Chronicle 2.7

2011-06-04T08:15:00.002-05:00

I didn’t know what to expect going into this appointment – would she tell me no more chemo like my friend heard a few weeks ago, would tell she me we were going to change my schedule – do less or more chemo – I just didn’t know.
The getting there was much easier this morning since Ian stayed home with my Aunt verses us taking him to Gina’s – hence we didn’t have to get him dressed and put together too – I might start sending him to Gina’s in p.j.s – she doesn’t know this yet though! :-P

The nurse doing my port was quite the character and really had me wondering if I should be letting this guy stick me in the chest…then he told me he “calms” people down by feeding them all this bullsh*t, then POKE and all is done – well it worked – I was NOT thinking about the port poke with him telling us these stories.

When Dr. H walked in she said, “There is my girl with the great scans” and gave me a big hug. That made it all real – I did have great scans…they didn’t accidently call the wrong person (yes, until I heard it from her I didn’t really want to believe it).

She did say she was unexpectedly surprised by how well the first two rounds of chemo worked and that honestly she had never seen 2 rounds of Abraxane work that well – and I told her I was an overachiever. And what I thought about me having 2 spots left on my lungs – I only have ONE TINY SPOT left. We still don’t know about the bones but will in 8 weeks!

And yes, for those wondering – my oncology skills are spot on! 2 more rounds of chemo (so 6 more treatments) then a PET scan – I told her that is what I said she would say and we decided I might not need an oncologist anymore!!

A few things I didn’t know or think about - I didn’t know HOW many spots in my lungs I started out – like 20 or how big the big one in the middle of my lungs was – like a racquetball.

I didn’t think about my “maintenance” after I was done with chemo – I thought when I am done, I am done – not the case. And the thing is, they don’t really have a maintenance protocol in place for triple negative people – for estrogen positive there is tomoxophin that people usually take for 5 years to suck the estrogen out of their bodies, for HER 2 positive there is herceptin (not sure what this does) but since I am trip neg my cancer isn’t caused by something producing too much of something. She wants to talk with the MD Anderson doctor to see if they have or will be having any maintenance trials happening soon and if not, I might stay on abraxane once a month/every six weeks until something comes out. The good news is triple negative is the “hot spot” in cancer research right now, so hopefully there will be a maintenance drug out in the next two years that isn’t chemo.

I was a little in shock about all this yesterday – I just didn’t think about having stuff to do after chemo – I just so wanted to hear – 2 more rounds and then done, done, DONE – not the case….at all.

I was talking to my friend who got clean scans after 6 months of chemo and it was nice to talk to her about this. We both agreed – it is hard to be excited – yes, it is an absolute miracle but it isn’t over – will it ever be over – the thoughts of cancer, having some sort of cancer treatment going into our bodies – cancer talk – it might not ever be over and that is hard to accept.

Project Sending Love

2011-05-31T21:21:00.000-05:00

This is it – this is the big project I have been “talking” about when I kept saying I had something in the works. I 100% feel this is one of my big to dos in this life – I believe God has tasked me with this – to help others and myself send love out into the world – one person at a time.
This idea has been in my head since the start of my diagnosis the first time. It has evolved through many stages, it has been pushed to the back burner and completely off the stove several times, but it just wouldn’t go away. My heart always held a piece of this idea no matter what I tried to do instead.

What is sending love? It is simple – it is a way for me, you, and everyone to write thoughts, feelings, kind word, and love for others down and send it to them.

From the ProjectSendingLove blog:

After both diagnosis’s, I received the most heartfelt cards from friends and family. These cards were filled with words of love, kindness, joy, hope and prayers. I honestly think this love helped carry me through cancer with flying colors!

Why do we wait to tell each other how much we love one and other, how important someone is to us and what an impact the person makes on our lives and the world until a tragedy strikes?

What if we all started sharing the love, kindness, joy and prayers that we think about others in our hearts all the time with those we are thinking about? How special and important would they feel? How could that love for each other change the world? I am not sure, but I have to see.

It is easy to get caught up in the idea of “how” do I tell others that I love them, respect them, that they are very import to me, to the world. But the how is the easiest part – open your heart and love. You can’t run out of it and the more you give, the more you have to give and the more you get. Crazy little thing God gave us – the ability to love.

Sending Love is such a simple idea and even simpler to do: write your love for others down on a postcard and send it.

“Be the change you want to see in the world” ~ Gandhi

I am tired of talking all this talk - now it is time for me to walk the walk.

A healed heart

2011-05-31T07:46:00.001-05:00

A heart can break

and a heart can heal –

will heal.

Though

the healing process

puts the heart back together

The heart

can never be put back together

exactly the way it was

before

it broke

Some pieces

might be left out

Some pieces will be

arranged differently

Some new pieces will be added

A heart can break

A heart can heal –

No matter what

a healed heart

changes people

This is another one I wrote sometime last year – I am guessing. I know you might wonder how I have NO idea when I actually wrote these but I put them all on one page and saved it like that.

I do remember writing this one though. I had just been put on my anti-depressant after treatment and was starting to feel “normal” again but I noticed that me, my normal, my everything was different. Not a bad different – just different from before…but why wouldn’t I be different – I grew, I healed, I conquered. I can’t wait to see how this broken heart heals.

Realizations

2011-05-27T14:25:00.002-05:00

I realized something big last night – well a few things actually.

I realized my friends can put things into perspective that I can’t do for myself.

I realized I go down the slippery sloop of eating and drinking badly way too fast.

I realized Eric has the right to watch me like a hawk on my eating – I would be all over his a*s if the roles were reversed.

The story from these realizations:

We did an impromptu dinner last night at North to celebrate my awesome scans after our neighborhood rally for better pool hours – yes, I feel like such an activist….not really but I could see myself doing that!

Anyhow, after my splurge on 2 pieces of garlic bread, 2 pieces of extra thin pizza (yes, I threw extra thin in there for my benefit), and several glasses of wine (just going with several here because I am not sure the “real” number), I realized after we got home and my feet were super swollen – that this isn’t good for me…not at all, not once in a while, not anytime – this sh*t is bad for me. An odd little fact about me – when I eat badly, i.e. sugar and carbs - my feet swell. I think a lot of people’s do – I always check out other’s feet/ankles (yes I am VERY ODD) to see if they are swollen and I notice that overweight people’s feet especially are usually swollen. This is not good – it means the body is inflamed and is working too hard to get it back to where it should be….just a little tid bit for ya.

Before Eric met us at North, I was telling Gina & Sylvia that Eric is going to be up my a*s about my diet from now on. And Sylvia looked at me (and I knew something was coming!) and said, and why wouldn’t he - he has every right to be – you are his life, his world, his everything….he wants you here forever. And it hit me – hard, that she is SO right. He does have the right to give me that look if I am eating something bad, he does have the right to say sh*t to me about that second glass of wine – he has a huge right. And if the roles were reversed, I would be all over him all the time. We all have a right to expect our spouses to be the healthiest they can be for us, for our children, for our lives – we have that right to ask that of our spouses.

After talking with Eric when we got home (yes, I might have been a little tipsy!) I realized I need to just say good-bye. Good-bye to wine, good-bye to bread, good-bye to my “one offs” because those one offs can lead me down a slippery sloop of oh, just tonight, then a week later…oh, just tonight, then a few days later…oh, one more time, then before I know it boom – I am eating like cr*p all the time and drinking too much wine all the time.

So this is my good-bye to “that” stuff….with a big ole shoulder shrug. It has to be done….I see how my body reacts to it. Do I want to live life without wine, bread and sugar?? Well not really, but I know I want to live more than the moment of pleasure those bring. I mean, I guess crack brings a moment of pleasure but all in all, I am pretty sure it isn’t good for you.

I have to remember food is just food – it can’t take away my pain, it can’t make me happy, it can’t comfort me - it can’t do anything for me except fuel my body – and I want this body to be cancer free forever, so I need to do my part too.

Drum roll please………

2011-05-26T14:44:00.002-05:00

So I just got a call from my Dr. H’s office. It was at 1:40 this afternoon – not long away. And I got my results – you curious at all??
EXCELLCENT!!!!!!!!!! Is what the nurse said as soon as she told me who was calling! She said it was written all over my chart – HELL YES it is written all over my chart!!!

Ian, Aunt Tammy and I were walking through JC Penny to get to our car after a long morning at swim class and then to the mall for carousel ride, train ride, bounce house and lunch – makes me tired just thinking about it all. I had my phone with me all morning, willing it to ring. Then when I was done thinking about it – trying to get us out of the mall and home it rang. I about hit the ceiling when it rang – like I hadn’t been waiting for it all morning! The only other time I waited for a call like this was when I was waiting to hear from the breast surgeon for my results the first time.

We stopped in the middle of JC Penny. Tammy and I were both holding our breath. I heard the word EXCELLCENT – I yelled, I danced and then Tammy and I cried.

SO, here is what I “heard”….we will know 100% what is going on next Friday.

What is GONE – the big a*s spot in middle of my lungs that was around my lympnodes. All but TWO little spots in my lungs. The two that are there – one in lower left is tiny and one spot in lower right – both spots are “dense” and that doesn’t necessarily mean cancer. They don’t know about the bone spots because those didn’t show up on the first CT Scan – those showed up on a PET scan.

What there is NOT – any new uptake – which is GREAT – means no new cancer!!!!

I asked if I still need chemo. She said she wasn’t sure but to keep all appointments as is for now. Here is what I am thinking – you know since I am so well versed in oncology! That I will get two more months of chemo (F*IN BREEZE!!), get PET scan, show I am ALL clear, wipe my hands of this mess and get on with our lives!!!!!! BUT that is just my thinking.

I am not even sure I have processed this yet – I know I haven’t. I still feel shaky and in a fog of WHAT IN THE WORLD is happening, but I am SO SO SO thankful for my answered prayers – everyone’s answered prayers. I knew my prayer of “Thank You sweet Father for the miracle of my cancer free body today, tomorrow & always” was working – I knew it in my heart, in my soul – I knew it.

Thank you all for your prayers, your love, and your support - just you being you. I know this isn’t over yet, but I am a h*ll of a lot closer to the finish line than 2 months ago.

I am still dumbstruck so if this doesn’t make since please forgive me.

Waiting Game

2011-05-25T21:30:00.000-05:00

I had a bit of a melt down last night when Eric got a message from ARA telling him that I couldn’t get my scan today because they hadn’t received authorization for insurance. I freaked – I was thinking, “OH no, what if insurance won’t pay??” to “SH*T, I should have called the insurance girl back today” (because yes I had a message from a girl at my insurance. It took all I had to talk myself down off the ledge and to be able to fall asleep last night. I had been waiting for this day, this scan, this news, this everything for three weeks.

To say I was devastated would be putting it lightly.

I promptly got up at 7:00 this morning to start calling the insurance and figure out what in the h*ll was going on. Then it was 8:00 and still nothing was solved. Finally at 8:45 ish I got a hold of Erica at TOC and all was well. I was too late to make my 10:00 though, so I rescheduled for 3:15.

I tried to read the tech’s face, I tried to get something out of her – I tried….and failed! She said my doctor would have the results in a few hours.

Now I wait….until tomorrow.

I can’t even begin to define my feelings – excited to see how well the chemo is working, nervous – of course and so many more feelings, emotions and thoughts all mixed in – all riding on this one CT Scan.

And yes I will post something as soon as I know!

Labels

2011-05-23T14:45:00.000-05:00

I was listening to a CD the other day and on it they said, as soon as you/me/whoever puts a label on something/someone you/me unknowingly and automatically put that something in a box – a box that said something/someone can’t get out of as long as it is labeled.
We all do it all the time. We label each other – all day everyday – aren’t healthy because you don’t eat the way I do, not as spiritually advanced as me because you don’t mediate the way I do, not going to Heaven because you don’t believe exactly what I do, not successful because you don’t have as big as house as me, not a real athlete because you can’t run as fast as me – do you see how these labels can hold someone down, can change us if we are the ones being labeled – it can change us unknowing – it is change us into believing this nonsense.

I realized the impact of labels when a friend of mine was talking to me about a friend of hers who has stage IV breast cancer. When she spoke of her friend to me, she would say – she has stage IV cancer also. It took me a minute to connect the dots of also? Who else has stage IV breast cancer?? Oh, I guess I do???

But the thing is, I don’t consider myself to have stage IV cancer – in fact I don’t really even consider myself as having cancer. Yes, maybe in my medical chart I am “labeled” as this but in my heart, in my mind, in my life I don’t – I can’t put this label on myself or on others.

The only time I have even thought of myself of stage IV was the day I was told this and I was handed a nice little brochure of what it means. I handed that brochure to Marci and Gina when we got home from that appointment and never again have I thought of myself as “that.”

Do others label me as “cancer”? Is that all others see me as now?

I feel like as soon as I allow people, me, anyone to label me as stage IV cancer, I am in a box – stuck there with nothing else to do/to be but to have cancer. I am so much more than cancer – I am a wife, a mom, a daughter, a sister, a friend, an artist, a lover, a sharer of life, an encourager and so much more.

I don’t want to be in a box – I am much too restless to stay put in a box.

Chemo Chronicle 2.6

2011-05-20T19:50:00.000-05:00

Today started like any other Friday – got up, g0t us together, pack lunch, got Ian ready and left around 8:15. Ian and Parker were beyond excited to see each other – which is so funny since they really see each other every day.

Got to TOC, got called right back to see a new nurse practitioner who I loved! Blood levels are great – even up from last week….odd right? We talked about my hot flashes and my totally drunken state after I take my medicine for neuropathy (condition that make my hands and feet feel tingly and numb) (and seriously this medicine makes me loopy lou).

We went to chemo room, sat in middle of the room by a friend, chatted a bit and then worked on necklaces. It was an odd vibe in the chemo room today – I am not sure if it was because we were in the middle verses in the corner where we are totally to ourselves and can be in our own little world or what? It was eerily quite and still – kind of like the calm before the storm – luckily there was no storm while we were there.

I did ask that they cut my steroid dosage in half because I am a puffed up blimp – I feel like I am swollen as I was when I was pregnant – no fun! They did, so here’s hoping to de-puffing!

I can’t believe this was my 6th chemo. These treatments are flying by. Fridays come and go now and I just keep track of the number of treatments and keep thanking God for my healthy cancer free body.

I pretty much have the week down to a science though which is really nice. Friday morning I feel great, after treatment I am all kinds of loopy and tired, Friday night I have to crash early. Saturday morning I wake up feeling great – it is really odd…it lasts most of the day then Saturday night, down early. Sunday and Monday I feel blah, tired and achy…nothing too bad but I do get a little irritable with people – I try not to. I usually go to bed around 7:30 or 8:00 and sleep all through the night. Tuesday I wake up and can tell I turned the corner – I feel good – not great yet but really good. I am able to work out, play with Ian all day and hold up my end of the bargain as a mommy. Wednesday and Thursday I am back to myself – energy is back, achiness is gone and I say bye-bye to the blahs. It is really weird how it works but all in all, it isn’t bad at all.

I am REALLY looking forward to my scan on Wednesday! If you are the praying type, please say a thank You to God on my behalf for a cancer free body! I figure the more messages we get into Him that I am already cancer free the more likely it is to happen.

One last thing - I have decided to start teaching creative classes again on Thursday nights and my off week! I am really excited about this because I have really missed the teaching part of my creating. Whoot, whoot to feeling normal on Thursdays!

So what:

2011-05-18T07:25:00.000-05:00

So what I run 12 minute miles –

I can run 12 miles at a time.

So what I don’t keep a clean house-

It is a home

Full of love and life

So what I can’t spell-

That is what spell check is four (KIDDING!!)

So what I am an info-mercial junky

I do want an easier

More exciting way

To do mundane things

So what I get nervous in big crowds

I can still work a small one

So what I am a walking contradiction

I cry only to a select few

My heart is mine to share with whom I chose

But I let small things affect my heart

My heart is soft on the inside

But I try to make it hard on the outside

If not, I would cry for all to see

So what I can’t organize my office

I am creative

I shouldn’t be

“organized”

So what I use all my cell phone minutes

I have lots of friends and family

Who I love

And love to talk to

So what I get scared

At home alone

That is what Eric is for

To protect me

So what I had cancer

Lots of good emerged

My faith

My fears

My dreams

My love for

Me

This was written sometime around November, 2010. I was training for a 1/2 marathon - it didn't happen. I did run 12 miles once.
I will run 12 miles again.
All of this still holds true.

My birthday

2011-05-15T20:40:00.000-05:00

All I can say is wow! Wow to what awesome friends I have. They threw me a hats & scarf party on Thursday night and it was just what I needed. Yummy food, wine – yes a little too much for me, mini cupcakes from Caprimo (just two for me!), great pictures of the evening and most importantly an abundance of wonderful friends.
It really was a magical evening with the girls. After they sang happy birthday, I cried – for me, for my wish to be cancer free forever, for my wonderful friends, for my broken heart being healed a little every day, for it all – I cried to cleanse and make room for the new. I think there were more tears flowing than just mine so to add fuel to the fire, I decided it was a good time for me to read what I wrote:

You girls –

You girls are my rocks

My net of love

My strength

You girls

Each holds a piece of my heart

And each has helped paint my soul

You girls

Make me laugh

Make me cry

Sometimes make me scream

You girls

Are my light

When my road gets dark

You girls

Are the chorus

To my song

And without it

My song would be flat

And boring

You girls

Are more than friends

Are more than I could ever have imagined in my life

I love you girls.

This is to all the girls in my life – those there and those not able to be there.

I loved every minute of the night.

I loved the laughing, the hugging, the remembering, the sharing of stories with new and old, the enjoying the moment – the pure moment of the night.

When Amanda left, she told me, “You look happy, really happy.”

She summed it up with those simple words.

I am happy – happy to be where I am today, tomorrow and always.

Chemo Chronicle 2.5

2011-05-14T17:28:00.000-05:00

Ugh, I have been waking up around 5:00, wide awake, uncomfortable and not able to get back to sleep. My body is still very tired so I don’t feel like getting up – I wish I did. Then I go back to sleep around 6:00 – 6:45 and without fail I have the weirdest dreams – odd.
Anyway, we were all up and rolling at 6:45. Eric and Ian had several sweet cards for me and Eric got me a new silver band – my wedding and engagement bands don’t fit my chemo/steroid swollen finger. Makes me sad not to be able to wear something, so he got me this simple band – I really love it!

8:10 we were out the door heading to Gina’s to drop off Ian. Parker and Ian were like kids in a candy store when Ian got there – you would think they never saw each other – it is super sweet though.

8:45 appointment. I didn’t have to see anyone today, so it was straight to the infusion room for blood draw and treatment.

My nurse who poked my port today was WONDERFUL!! And after she was done I told her, “wow, you are great!” and you would have thought I just told her - You won a million dollars! She was so grateful for me to tell her that she was great at that and thank you. I can’t imagine how beat down they get with people b*tching and moaning all day – why are doing this, why am I still here, blah, blah, blah.

I actually didn’t take anything with me to work on today because I needed some sleep. I knew if I had stuff to do I wouldn’t sleep. I watched The Office, and then turned on Pandora and cat napped.

11:00 done!! Busting out of this joint. It was funny, when I was getting “unhooked” a friend came over to chat and she turned her head away – not to see what was happening on me. I feel the same way, I have no idea what the needle in my chest looks like being put in or out and am completely fine with that.

We went to eat at Jorge’s – a super yum Mexican food place that uses free range/grass feed meat!

12:30 home and in bed. Gina said she was fine having Ian until 2:30 ish, so I decided I really needed to get some real rest.

1:30 ish – got text from Josie telling me Gina ran over her phone – I had to laugh!!

All in all this has been a great day. I already feel better than I did last Friday, so here is to hoping tomorrow is easy cheesy!

33

2011-05-13T15:46:00.000-05:00

I like to look at my birthday every year how a lot of people look at New Year’s – a new year with a clean slate for me to do with it what I wish.

And I feel this year is no different.

I can’t say my 30’s have rocked in the traditional way. I feel like my body has failed me but from body failure so much has happened and yes I am thankful that all this crap happened/is happening when I was in my 30s – I am pretty sure if it happened when I was 25 I would have had a major melt down, wouldn’t have been able to see the silver lining and would have been drunk a lot more than I already was! And when I was 25 I didn’t have Eric.

SO my goals for my 33rd year:

1. Au revoir cancer - FOREVER

2. Start new postcard project (coming soon!!)

3. Take a kick a*s trip with Eric and Ian

4. Take a romantic get away with Eric – who is up for watching Ian?!?!

5. AND – this is a scary one but with the help of a friend, I am going put this blog-o into an e-book – there I said it…I am working on my f-in outline. I HATE OUTLINES! Don’t worry, I will save some juicy stuff just for the book – I can’t show all my cards on the blog!

6. Maybe stop using so many curse words?? Maybe…probably not. I don’t really curse this much in “real” life - sometimes

7. Continue to live life, enjoy it all, laugh, love, shine my light, help others, smile from my heart, see beauty in little things, and hug more – I need to hug more!

8. Write in my journal daily (already do – want to keep up)

9. Meditate/pray at least 20 minutes daily (again, already do)

10. Get out and sell my necklaces to boutiques

11. Send in my stuff to considered as a designer for a scrapbook company – why not…I need to scrapbook more and this would make me do it!

What have I learned thus far in life:

1. Finding love was 100% worth all the bullsh*t I went through with others. I grew from every relationship I had – I was just who I needed to be when I met Eric.

2. Tell people you love them….in person, on the phone, in a letter – I don’t care just do it often.

I just recently learned this – I would keep it to myself because I was scared they didn’t love me back, but now I don’t care – you don’t have to love me back for me to love you…ask Ian, I still kiss on him all the time even though he tells me, “mommy, you can’t kiss me forever” – wanna bet???

3. Listen to your heart. More than likely any question you have, your heart has already told you the answer – now it might not be the answer you actually want to hear but it is THE answer. Your heart speaks very quietly but has the loudest message

4. Being a stay at home mommy is hard but worth it all. It doesn’t pay well in terms of money but that is easy to get over when you get daily jokes, dances just to make me laugh, a few hugs and kisses, art work, laughter, songs, constant why’s, a few balls thrown at your head, playing hide and seek and SO much more

5. When someone repeatedly shows up in your life – take notice. God has put them there for a reason. Gina and I constantly ran into each other, she claims she noticed me walking Ian while I was bald the first go around and thought to herself – she could a friend (now of course I have to tell her yea right – you were scared of catching what I had!) anyway, God was trying to get us two together for some time before we let ourselves go into complete friendship – now, this train is rollin’

6. If you look around, your problems really aren’t THAT bad. Someone always has it worse than you. And when you help others, your problems just seem to disappear

7. Love is a powerful thing and can get us through a lot

8. Not to take myself so seriously. This is a hard one but so important. I want to be perfect in what I do, I want such and such to be perfect but I am learning – it doesn’t matter. Really, none of it matters. Taking time to listen to yourself/your heart, talk with God, love your family and friends, help others, look at the beauty in nature and all around us – now that is what matters

9. Take it all one step at a time. I was listening to a Wayne Dyer cd the other day and he summed it up so nicely. When he sits down to write a book – he doesn’t look at the 300 hundred pages it needs to be – he looks at the chapters and focuses on one at a time. And trying not to smoke/drink/eat sugar – whatever, don’t look at it for life – look at it for today. Today I won’t eat sugar, today I won’t smoke/drink – it is amazes what you can do for a day

10. Holding on the past of unforgiven stuff is like holding on an old bag of nasty food. It doesn’t hurt anyone but you, it doesn’t stink up the other person’s life and it takes up so much time and effort to hold it out from you so it doesn’t touch you – throw the crap away already.

11. Count your blessing every day. Say thank you to God for all the wonderfulness you have in your life.

So, here is to my 33rd birthday. I couldn’t ask for more – family, friends, love, joy, laughter, heart, happiness – my cup does run over.

Love to you.

WHO ARE YOU??

2011-05-11T15:25:00.000-05:00

In my best caterpillar voice smoking a pipe (From Alice and Wonderland) – what was he smoking in that pipe??? HMMM…I think I already know :)

So, I found this nifty little button on my blog that says stats. Now, don’t go getting all excited on me here – I actually have no idea what all these numbers mean. I know though that the numbers I see on who follows this blog and those who read don’t add up in the least bit.

I thought it would be fun to see who is out there, who is reading this, how did you find it – I am curious.

To entice you to tell me about you, I thought I would tell you a little more about me – other than the obvious – I have breast cancer, the best hubby, family and friends ever.

Ten Things You Don’t Know About Me:

1. The mail system, UPS, FED Ex totally intrigues me. I mean, how does one letter start at one post office, get thrown in with tons of other mail and end up where it needs to be? I just don’t understand it.

2. I feel my degree was a big waste. NOW don’t get me wrong, Ian will go to college, get a degree and that is that. I feel like if I would have gotten a degree more “me” it wouldn’t have been a waste…however, I did not.

3. If I ever have to actually “go back to work” and be expected to bring home a paycheck (GASP, I know) I would go to beauty school and cut hair. Hopefully, I wouldn’t be a beauty school drop out!

4. I LOATH figuring out anything technical. If it wasn’t for Eric I still wouldn’t have a working MP3 player. It takes me WAY too long to figure out this blog stuff as well.

5. I didn’t always have this great relationship with God as I do now. It took a lot of work to open up and let myself go.

6. I am really shy around new people and/or in big groups.

7. Sometimes I can’t even get a word close enough for spell check to correct it. Obvious is one of those – 6 times trying up there at the top….kept coming up oblivious.

8. I once ate a whole box of muffin batter (RAW) with my sister – yes we were sick. Also, I once ate so much Halloween candy that I threw up – see a pattern here?!?

9. I have a dream to change the world with cards and writing.

10. I always said I would marry a nerd. Don’t get me wrong here; I see nothing wrong with nerds – actually the opposite. I think we are all nerds deep down but only people true to themselves are brave enough to know who they are and not care what others think – therefore can be a little nerdy! Hey, I am a big ole dork when it comes down to it – you should hear some of my “jokes”

So who are you? How did you find this blog?

For what it is worth, I do read every comment and love reading them. I am never sure how to respond to them though – if I write back in the comment sections will whoever wrote it know it is there? Hmmm – I don’t know but I do love reading them.

Let me know – I am really curious.

Coming out of the fog…

2011-05-10T07:56:00.000-05:00

Today is a new day!! I FINALLY feel like I have climbed out of the fog I was stuck in for the past 3 days. Those were possibly the toughest 3 days I have had in a really long. After talking to Eric last night I figured out that it took a huge emotional toll on me too – I went from feeling great – thinking this sh*t ain’t so bad - from my off week to be slammed head first into a brick wall.
But, my fever broke last night (or I was having my first hot flash?) and I woke up this morning feeling much, much better.

Yesterday’s daily word was just what I needed:
RECOVERY

I am healthy and whole and continually renewed by the spirit of God within me.

Prayer is primary to my healing, whether I am recovering from an illness, surgery or even a broken heart. I begin each day with quiet moments of prayer. I give thanks for the life within me. I visualize the healthy, happy, energetic life I desire.

Healing takes time, and recovery takes many forms. A positive outcome will result if I give my body and mind the time they need. Patiently, I pray for the wisdom to know and do all I can to facilitate my recovery.

Turning my attention to the needs of others often helps my own recovery. Volunteering, even in a seemingly small way, renews me. Praying for others helps us all. Each prayer and every healthful activity supports my ongoing recovery.

I worked on thank you cards yesterday, necklace flowers and that made a world of difference in me, to me, for me. It is too easy to get caught up in head about the hurt, the suck of it, the p*ssed off of me – but then something so simple as writing a thank you card for something someone sent totally changes me – I remember the love that person has for me and I for them and it gets me out of “that” place.

Several people were really worried about me. Don't be - I am better. I just needed to wallow in my own self-pity for awhile – and no, this is NOT something I recommend – it didn’t get me anywhere good.

Ian asked me to make him a date with his friends today and I already have it all organized and I am so excited to be getting out of the house with him to enjoy our day.

Here's to being out of the fog.

She taught me….

2011-05-09T07:41:00.002-05:00

She taught me
that even when I thought

I had nothing left

to give

that I had to dig a tiny bit deeper

and

I would find

I had a lot left to give.

She taught me

that I made my bed

now I must lie in it

but

I sure as hell can get out of that bed

and re-make it.

She taught me

friends are meant to be cherished…

especially with a bottle or two of wine!

She taught me

to dream big

then go out there

and make that dream come true.

She taught me

how to step back

look at the facts

not to panic

and do what needs to be done

in any situation.

She taught me

life isn’t always sweet as pie

but it is always worth living

doing

being

She taught me

how to be a mother myself.

I love you mom.

I know this is a day late but I feel this every day – not just on Mother’s day. And hey, I usually a day or so late with my cards so this is quit fitting!!

Wham bam – no thank you mam

2011-05-08T17:52:00.002-05:00

This has hands down been the worst treatment to date. I would easily take a crappy infusion compared to this. I guess I can say today is better – I feel like crap verses yesterday I felt like complete sh*t.
This is not the norm – THANK YOU GOD. It is the bone medicine Zoledronic Acid that is used to help strengthen my bones. From what Eric read, this should be a one-time gig – again, THANK YOU GOD.

My bones hurt like nothing I have ever felt – even my ankles and toes hurt.

My skin hurts – even when Ian hugs me it hurts.

I am cold even outside in the heat.

I am so tired but I can’t sleep and I can’t get up and do anything because when I stand I think I might throw up.

I tried to go to the Ladies Tea yesterday at church but had to leave about half way through – I hurt too badly.

We went to church this morning and I was a wreck. I cried more than usual and I just couldn’t get centered. We then went to lunch and the “spicy” sandwich I ordered didn’t taste – Eric said it was very spicy.

I am praying that tomorrow this hurt is gone because my heart hurts too.

Chemo chronicle 2.4

2011-05-07T07:35:00.000-05:00

I felt totally rushed in the morning and out of sorts and I am not sure why – my appointment wasn’t until 9:45 – it was kind of odd. BUT I did use my vitamix blender this morning and made a yummy smoothie – apple (core and all), strawberries (stems included), blueberries, about 2 cups of spinach and chocolate protein powder = yumm deli umcious!
After much running around makin’ smoothies, packing Eric and me salads and getting all the stuff I wanted to work on together, we were off. Ian couldn’t have been happier to be dropped off at Parker’s house and Eric and I were off.

We walked into an almost dark office – the power had gone out. Crazy. Not sure if that was the hold up or what, but we waiting quit awhile to see Dr. H. In the meantime talked to the financial lady about our deductibles and stuff, got my port poked (which was a piece of cake today!!) and played this stupid game with Eric that he found on his phone – all in all, good times! After Dr H came in, we talked about my upcoming scan. She is VERY optimistic of great results – I told her I already have my mind on it being ALL gone!!

Got in infusion room with no big drama, counts were all great and good to go. I did have an extra bag of bone strengthener added today, so that added on a little more time. I worked on card packs that I am donating to my church, Eric worked on rigging his phone’s wi-fi to his computer because theirs was down today...eh, whatever – I am never really sure what he is doing!

I knew I felt different as soon as I got home – I was really loopy and tired and stayed that way for the rest of the day. I am thinking the extra bag really took it out of me and now all I want is a HAMBURGER – a big juicy hamburger…just like when I was preggers. My iron levels were the only ones that were low so bring on the meat! Eric went and got me one after Ian was down because Ian was NOT having going out to eat – whatever, this was easier! After eating way too much, I passed out on the couch at 8:30. You would think it was 2:30 a.m. I was drunk and just downed some Whataburger – not the case!!

Thursdays

2011-05-05T20:29:00.000-05:00

Thursdays have evolved for me over time in what they mean to me in terms of what I would do on Thursdays or how I thought of them.
Before Ian, Thursday meant one day away from the weekend, one day away from the “grind” for 2 days, one day away from getting to just hang out. Many years ago, we had a girl’s poker night on Thursday night. I am not really sure why we ever thought doing this on a Thursday night was a good idea because we all still had to work on Friday – and when I say work, I mean we worked at our “real” jobs – jobs after college that I guess we were supposed to take seriously?!?!? Well every other Thursday night, we didn’t take anything seriously – except hanging out with the 6 of us, drinking entirely too much wine, smoking an unknown number of cigarettes between the 6 of us, asking the pizza delivery guy to go buy us more beer, wine or cigarettes because we were smart enough to know we shouldn’t be driving and occasionally we would take the poker game at hand serious – not often. Oh these Thursday nights meant so much to us – some of didn’t know each other when we started this get together, some of us were already great friends, but at those poker nights we really opened to each other and became so much more than the poker girls.

Now that was just poker nights - Laurie and I had many other Thursday night happy hour(s). Let’s just say after 4 hours of happy hour, Eric would come pick us and deliver us home safely. Then there was the apartment with Jessica – balcony, wine, and music we were settled in for many wonderful Thursday nights of talking, laughing, crying, singing – you name, we did it.

Life was bound to evolve from the crazy Thursday nights to the more sensible nights. Ian was born and Thursday night now meant one more day until Eric was home with us. My maternity leave ended and Thursday nights turned into only 6 more hours of work until I get to be with Ian and Eric all day.

Once again life has evolved and with it my Thursdays have too. The days bring complete happiness but my nights have taken on a new meaning of bittersweet. Thursday days are absolute beauty – I am feeling great, Ian goes to swimming class, Gina and I go to the gym, then we meet all the mommies out somewhere for the mommies to talk and the kids to play – it is really my favorite day of the week because without fail our Thursdays are awesome. But as with all Thursdays, we all know what always comes next – Fridays…it has been this way for a long time – I guess since someone came up with the weekdays in a calendar – eh, I really don’t know those facts!

By Thursday night it all starts over again – the dread of the coming day, the wanting to curl up in a ball and say, “you can’t make me go tomorrow” (if you were wondering I did used to do that to my mom when she would need to take me to the dr.), the knowing that my feeling great is short lived for the next few days….it is hard.

I am ready to have my Thursday nights back to what they are meant for – the night before the weekend.

But, what is right???

2011-05-04T19:33:00.000-05:00

Taken from the lesson at church on Sunday:

Our pastor posed the question or statement to us – however you chose to look at it. What is right with the world? What IS right with the world. It is easy to launch into all the horrible things that are happening around the world, but if we stop to really look at the outcome of these events it is nothing short of a miracle that is taking place.

Japan for example, they have people all over the world praying for them, they have people all over the world donating money to them, they have people working together to help them be able to help themselves, they have support, love and light being sent to them 24 hours a day. What a miracle is that? How easy it is for people to pull together when need be. I my opinion we should pull together like that when there isn’t a tragedy but we can take it one step at a time!

Look at my situation. I have people all over the place praying for me, my family, for us. The net of love that has been thrown around us is so strong, thick and tight it is unbreakable. People I haven’t talked to in years contributed to a care package one of my good friends put together for us. Not only did they send me loving cards of encouragement, they sent them to Eric and fun gifts for Ian – yes, he thought the Easter bunny showed up early!!

Another friend of mine, Tarah, coordinated and made a quilt out of squares of fabric that were sent to her by some of my high school friends and family. It was incredible reading what they wrote to me, the inspiration and love they sent to me – I cried from the love I felt in their words.

Kate organized a happy hour/benefit for me this past Friday night. She told me to make “a lot of stuff” and that was all I knew. With the help of Gina (not really help but more of a whipping me into shape to get my sh*t done) I did it – I accomplished a huge goal – one that earlier might have been too daunting to actually do and I would have quit - one that earlier I would not have asked for nor excepted help with. We surpassed Kate’s personal goal that night and made me see that yes, I can do this – I can do this and much more.

So what is right with my world: God, life, love, family, friendship, my desire to smile from my heart, my urge to create and write, my longing to help others, and so much more!

It is too easy to get trapped in our thoughts of what is wrong but we can look at the same situation and say what is right just as easily as saying what is wrong.

Unconditional Love

2011-04-30T13:08:00.000-05:00

It really hit me Sunday while sitting at first service and seeing it more crowded than I have ever seen it before and hearing them say that Easter is hands down the busiest service of the year – it hit me hard the unconditional love God has for us. He sent us Jesus to teach us one thing – unconditional love.
He made it look so simple - have an open heart, an open mind and love for all, but we as humans make it so hard on ourselves. We (and yes I am included in this “we”) like to put conditions on our love to others, to ourselves, even to God.

            I would love my co-worker if she would listen to me.

            I would love the homeless man on the street if he would get a job.

            I will love myself when I lose those last 5 pounds.

            I will be happy when I get a promotion.

            I will love God again after He gives me a baby.

            Even though you are a miracle worker and have saved 1,000 of people’s lives, I can’t love you wholly because you are Jewish, or some other religion.

            I will love my husband more once he tells me how pretty I am.

Do you see how ridiculous all these sound? Do you see how many conditions are put on something so simple, so available to us at all times if we just look in our hearts and see what God gave us – the ability to love unconditionally like he does us – but we don’t. We line up our love and dole it out to those we think deserve it, but the catch is – we deserve love from every person and every person deserves our love – and I mean all of, not a little snip of it when it is convenient for us, not a little piece of it when we feel like it- every person deserves all of our love all of the time.

Seems scary to think of this – how can I love someone who has wronged me, how can I love someone I don’t know, how can I love someone who is so different from me???

We get so caught up in the how but the how is easiest part – open your heart and love. You can’t run out of it and the more you give, the more you have to give and the more you get. Crazy little thing God gave us – unconditional love.

I try to practice what I preach, I try but sometimes it is hard…I guess if it were easy we would all be doing it – right? Try to love someone today that you might not any other day – if they aren’t there for you to show a kind smile to, give a gentle pat on the back – think of them, think of them with loving thoughts and send them love from your heart – it will make you feel amazing.

Just try it – let me know how it goes?!?!

Good-bye hair

2011-04-28T22:11:00.000-05:00

Well, we did it – I sat in a chair out on the back porch while Eric shaved my head and Ian played with his bubbles from the Easter bunny…he couldn’t have cared less what was happening with my hair.

It is funny though – it made me realize the things that are such big deals to adults usually don’t matter at all to children. Maybe we should take cues from children – they are true masters of being in the moment and knowing what truly is important. I am “assuming” that in Ian’s eyes nothing with me has changed – I am still his mommy who snuggles with him every morning and tells him no, you cannot jump off the fifth stair up a few times every day.

It wasn’t as big of a deal as I thought it would be. Last time we shaved my head I had lots of people over – in hind sight I am not sure why. Maybe I didn’t want to be alone with what was happening? This time, I wanted it to be just us 3 – the core of me. I was very blasé about it – it was what needed to be done and I am so glad it is now done.

I do remember how wearing a scarf makes me feel like I have cancer – it is screams, “I HAVE CANCER.” I am working on being comfortable with not wearing anything on my head outside our house…it is hard though – those looks, those looks of pity tear into my soul – I don’t want pity, I want a HELL YEAH you rock or a keep fighting sister or a F*CK cancer sucks – something other than pity.

So here it is – me sans hair – well kind of, I have a buzz cut at the moment.

This is me, this is who I will be for an uncertain amount of time but I am okay with it. My hair didn't define me and now my lack of won't either.

Finding Renee:

2011-04-27T15:03:00.000-05:00

She was buried way down deep
The light was almost burnt out

But God kept fanning it

Even when she didn’t

She was tired of telling herself no.

She was tired of making excuses.

She was tired of not trying.

She was tired of tired.

She knew the day was here – she had no choice but to do what she was being called to do.

She had no choice but to start believing in her own self.

She had no choice but to say yes – to herself, to life, to God.

I found a whole file of poems and stuff I wrote the last go around with “this” that I was too afraid to post. I am not sure why I was afraid or why I didn’t, but I didn’t. I am going to now. I am going to put it all out there – to help me heal, to help you, to help God work through me, just to help. I really feel like I need to help....who, I am not sure.

It is too easy to go back to that place of "I am not organized enough" "How can "I" pull this off" "Who am I to think this is a good idea" and so many more. But I am slowly learning, who cares I am not organized to on lookers - I am organized in myself; how can I NOT pull this off; if someone told me this I would love it and so will the world.

I had “my idea” that I wrote about on a few Sundays ago sometime last year, but it got pushed to the back of my to-do list – I think that was a bad idea! I need to get it out there….I am working on it. I am going to make a promise to myself – it will go live June 1st.

Here is what I need to do before June 1st: tax-id number, blog that can sell stuff (does anyone know if this is legal?), map that blog to a real domain name (Eric can do), make my product (in progress), photographs and sell – not that much….totally manageable….I like to tell myself?!?!

I now know, Renee has been found.

Honestly

2011-04-25T15:30:00.000-05:00

I was texting Gina last night and told her my hair is starting to fall out. Her response was so pure and honest, “I don’t know what to say.”
I don’t know what to say – what a great thing to say when in fact you don’t know what to say. Instead of saying something that makes you feel better, you say the truth – when it might be hard to admit that in fact you don’t have all the answers and don’t know what to say.

Why is it so hard for us, as people, as friends, as family to be 100% honest with each other? Hey, I am 100% guilty of this as well. I will tell 98% of the truth when asked how I feel, when asked personnel things – I don’t know why. I think we are scared to be judged by others (of course we are, we all love to judge each other) or more so, we are scared if we tell the whole truth then when our situation changes, the person we told the whole truth to will still remember the whole truth and be in the past moment instead of in the present with what is happening now.

I honestly had a horrible day today. I sat in my car and cried - cried for me, cried for the fact that Eric and Ian are going to shave my head tonight, cried because we now really have to tell Ian something (or why in the hell or I let him help shave my head?), I cried because my stomach hurts from the laxatives I have to take, I cried because chemo is already shutting down my ovaries and with that brings much heartache…no hormones means NO hormones and NO of a lot that a healthy 32 year old woman should be, I cried because my mom and Gina’s husband both told me how beautiful I am bald, I just cried. All of this happened before I willed myself to walk up the two flights of stairs to get a shot that I didn’t want and while I sat in the waiting area I ate a nasty cup of soup from Whole Foods because I needed comfort and I didn’t want to call anyone because I honestly didn’t want to talk about it.

Laurie had even texted me to ask if I was okay because I had been on her mind – yes, I believe God was sending me an angel at that moment but I wasn’t ready to except His helping hand.

Even if I didn’t take God’s bate with Laurie, He sent me Sarah while I was waiting for my shot. Oh how I needed Sarah. She has been through this sh*t twice BUT they (her hubby and her) just had a baby from a sergeant with their own embryo – AWESOME! I needed her, I needed someone who understood why my bones hurt and just how they feel when they do hurt, I needed to talk to her, to see her sweet baby, to give her a hug of friendship and survivorship – I needed her.

I have no wise closing, no clever saying I just have honesty from me to you on this day.

Chemo Chronicle 2.3

2011-04-22T15:28:00.001-05:00

I wish I could say 3rd time was a charm – hardly. More like 3 strikes and you are OUT!

My appointment was at 9:00 this morning, so we dropped Ian off at 8:20 at Zach’s house who by the way was still asleep and Teri took Ian in with loving arms – well maybe it was me bringing her coffee that she took in with loving arms?!?! Regardless, Ian was good to go and Eric and I were off.

Went back – lost another 2 pounds down due to no sugar diet – telling you people sugar is bad stuff – oh, back to the subject at hand – sat in room waiting for RN to come stick port – this is where the trouble started. Hind sight I shouldn’t have told her about my nightmare stick on Tuesday and showed her the horrible bruise – I probably then jinxed the whole day. Now to her credit, I am still super swollen from the port surgery on Tuesday, but it all still SUCKED big time. She poked me once – hit the side of the port. She poked me twice – hit the side again. This lead into my first breakdown of the day – I couldn’t help it, the tears came out of nowhere and wouldn’t stop. I couldn’t even look at her when she left the room – I felt like a baby, I felt bad for making her feel bad and at this point I was already done with the day and ready to go home. She knew I was done and said she would get someone else. The next RN came in, talked to me, had me lay down and got it – thank goodness. It wasn’t like the poke hurt - it was the pressure they had to apply to the actual port that hurt like hell.

Dr. H came in, looked at this lovely rash I have on my chest and a little around my mouth, gave me some steroid cream, told me it wouldn’t grown hair on my chest (THANKS!), looked over the supplements Dr. Love prescribed, and looked ahead at the next mouth. I have my CT scan on May 25th. I will be VERY anxious to hear results of that test!

Sat in waiting area for at least an hour before they told me my blood counts were low and were waiting to hear from Dr. H. I was so frustrated and if it wasn’t for Erica, I might have screamed. She is so great at what she does and finally got them to tell me what in the hell was the hold up. All I needed to know was Dr. H was in one room for this whole time – I get it, I want an hour with her if I need an hour and I love that she spends the time needed with each patient – I just needed to be told this today. Instead I sat out there thinking my name got lost in the shuffle and just kept getting passed up.

Finally get called to go back to the chemo room, get a chair but still wasn’t told about Dr. H being with the same patient nor what was actually up with my blood. There are several factors that could have been off with my blood. Then sitting there, I had another breakdown or two or three – I lost count! I felt lost in the sea of other patients, I felt powerless and out of control. I was SO SO SO thankful to have Eric there with me. He went to ask what was up – that is when we were finally told she had been in one room the whole time. They also told him it was my white blood count that was at 1.2 and anything below 1.5 is iffy. Got word for Dr. H, go ahead with chemo and then I will get a neulasta shot on Monday. SH*T, I don’t want this shot. It makes my bones hurt so flippin’ bad, or at least it did last time. Anyway, once I was hooked up chemo was a breeze; I worked on necklaces and watched TV.

I tried so hard to be centered, to get back to level ground while I was breaking down but I couldn’t. I couldn’t get the negative out and the peace back in – goes to show me I have A LOT of work to do with being at peace with this, with everything. So all in all today sucked but picking up Ian was like a breath of fresh air. And I am SO glad next week is an off week….I need a week off from this bullsh*t.

But, seriously, what NOT to say to someone with cancer

2011-04-20T19:59:00.000-05:00

This is a really great article and it is so true. It is a quick read – this post will make more sense if you read the article first!

A few others things “we” people with cancer do NOT want to hear from you are:

Oh, so and so was cured at MD Anderson (or some other “hot” place to go). You have NO idea what type of cancer that person had, you have no idea what type of cancer I have – NOT the same thing.

Oh, so and so went through chemo and it was a breeze or it was horrible. Again, not something anyone who is going to start chemo wants to hear. This is the person’s story who is going through it, not your place to jump in with a story of an, oh I know someone story.

When one door closes another door opens. Screw off if you have ever told anyone this. Again, “we” with the cancer know this and do not feel it your place to tell us. Your health closing the door on you is NOT the time to throw out this little ditty.

God never gives you more than you can handle. Again – screw off. “We” all know what we can and can’t handle, “we” know God in our own way and don’t need you telling us this.

In line with the article saying “your poor thing” don’t give a pity look or “OMG THAT IS HORRIBLE” look either because I guarantee the person telling you this news KNOWS this is horrible and doesn’t need to read it on your face.

Wow, I guess I was a little angrier than I thought. I didn’t know I wanted to tell so many people to screw off after me having to tell them I had cancer again and biting my tongue to their responses.

While I am at it, I will go ahead and tell you what not to ask a person going through chemo:

Why are you so tired? Seriously, I have had that asked to me – well, because my body is being bombarded by chemo, which yes is to save my life, but also takes a slight toll on me physically.

Are you going to get a wig? NO – losing my hair is the least of my worries and if you need me to have a wig to make you feel better about the situation, well I am sorry and don’t really care.

Question: How do you feel on this chemo? Me: I actually feel good. This one is easier than the first time around. A little bone pain and tired, but nothing I can’t handle. Person asking the question: Oh let’s hope it stays that way. Seriously, do NOT say this. Don’t you think the person going through chemo hopes this more than anything and does NOT need you raining on them feeling good.

I am sure there are more and will let you know as I think of them.

It is hard to be my own cheerleader and also a cheerleader for other people to make them “ok” with what I am going through, so please don’t need me to make you feel okay with my situation. But do believe me if I say I feel great that in fact I do feel great or if I say I feel like crap that in fact I do feel like crap.

So please think before you speak and ask yourself, “if it were me in that situation, would I want to hear that” and I am guessing if you stop to think about it, you will be surprised at how much stupid stuff comes out of your mouth.

Port in…

2011-04-19T16:13:00.002-05:00

After too much frustration trying to schedule this silly thing, getting called back yesterday from the blood place telling me they didn’t take enough blood for all the tests they needed to run and having to go back a second time to be stuck yet again (isn’t this the reason I am getting this d*mn port to be done getting stuck?!?!), to having to have Gina come over at 5:15 this morning to watch Ian, to really believing I was in a 3 ring circus in post-op, I am now home, with a port, a little sore and loving my snuggle time I am getting from my boys.
It was nothing exciting today except the post-op circus I was in. Holy moly, it was a little crazy (ok a lot) what was happening and it took everything I had not to blatantly give Eric a “what is the hell is going on look.” Here is the short of it and I am certain it isn’t going to sound as crazy when I write it, but so be it!

When I woke up there were 2 nurses in post-op. One was the trainer, the other the trainee. We have all been there – on the job training is tough especially if your trainer isn’t the best. So trainer is talking to the trainee like she has no idea what is going on (and maybe with good reason because I wasn’t sure she actually did) but then when she told me I couldn’t drink my “juice” which was a Capri-sun (which I didn’t even want because I wanted water but they would let me??) out of the container because I might spray it out everywhere I knew it was time for me to get out of there. However, I needed an x-ray first in which the trainee wheeled me down and had no idea where to go. In the hall she is randomly calling people’s names to figure out where to take me. So I was right, it doesn’t sound near as crazy as when I was in there…maybe my happy medicine had something to do with the craziness of it all?!?!

Regardless, I am home and happy! My Dr. also went in and cleaned up my old scar and put the new port in the same area so I won’t look like I have been stabbed in the chest twice…that is a great thing!

A dream team

2011-04-17T18:21:00.000-05:00

In church today we had a WONDERFUL message: building your dream team. It started with a little insight of geese flying in a V and why they do what they do. Very interesting – with them flying in a V they get 71% less wind resistance than if they flew solo. And they honk at the one in front to give encouragement and when the one in front gets tired, he goes to the back. How amazing is that? I think very!
Then we had a guest speaker: Mindy Audlin. She was talking about building a dream team and how even Jesus needed a dream team so who are we to think we can do this all on our own??

I feel like I have a dream team behind me for this go around. Now, don’t get me wrong – I had support the first go around but only the support I allowed in…and it wasn’t much only because I was stubborn (I know, me stubborn?!?!)

This time, I don’t have a choice – my neighborhood honeys (who are MUCH more than other mommies that I hang out with all the time – they have become best friends) they won’t let me tell them no, they won’t let me hole up and be sad, they won’t let me be on a team by myself. And let me tell you, I feel stronger than ever with my dream team behind me every step of the way.

Oh, back to church…she then told us to ask one another these two questions: What is it you feel you are being called to do? And what do you need to get it done?

I feel I am called to help people communicate with each other, spread love and joy to each other, and enhance each other’s lives. I am working on this – I have a wonderful idea that I am getting together and am almost ready to share.

What do I need to get it done? Well, first and for most to find the courage to step out and do it (and I feel me writing it here is that), then after I create what I need to create I need help marketing.

It is scary to step out and talk about this dream; it is scary to think what I would do if it took off but oh so exciting. It is scary to think that I would need to do it on my own, but then I remember there is no way I have to do anything on my own – all we have to do is ask.

So I ask you these two questions: what is it you feel you are being called to do? And what do you need to get it done?

Chemo Chronicle 2.2

2011-04-15T20:12:00.002-05:00

Today started out wonderful, went downhill a bit to good and finally to ugh.
Of course it started early at 6:40 – why does Ian’s internal clock go off at 6:40 no matter what time he goes to bed?!?! Snuggled in bed, ate breakfast, yummy coffee (no more vanilla creamer for me – yes I am proud), made lunch for me and Eric to take to chemo (a big fat salad with yummy veggies and avocado and Melba toast if you are wondering!) and played, played, played with Ian. For those sweet hours of play I forgot what the rest of my day held for me – it was pure sweet bliss.

Took Ian over to Gina’s because she has so graciously volunteered to watch him on Fridays until this summer when his mother’s day out will be M/W/F – seriously not sure what I would do without the help of my girls.

Got to TOC, checked in, blood drawn (ONE STICK TODAY!!!), vitals checked and good to go. Talked to Lisa, Dr H’s nurse practitioner, my blood levels are fabulous, she told me I CAN take TWO Alieve at a time for bone pain (YIPPIE!!), we talked about a test they sent my tumor to have – pretty much DNA testing on my tumor and it came back with what chemos it WILL respond to and I am on one of the three that it WILL respond to!!

Dr H stepped in to say hi and to check on me (yes, I do love my oncologist!). We chatted about a friend of mine I met through the pink ribbon cowgirls who was diagnosed in November as Stage IV right off the bat – her last PET scan – NADA – all disease is gone. I told Dr H I heard what she did for her and I am shooting for clean PET scan in 6 months. They laughed and called me an overachiever but to hear Dr H tell me she has big plans for me and she is ready to knock this sh*t out of the park – made my heart smile. NOW that is what I am talking about!!

Visited with Erica for a few minutes and she gave me this awesome piece of canvas that says F*CK BREAST CANCER – I am going to make a cute canvas with this. Hopefully something she can set at her desk – I need to figure out how the make F*CK a little less there!

Got called back, got hooked up with no trouble, said a quick prayer and then the drip began. I visited with a sweet mom sitting across from me, Eric and I enjoyed our lunch, I made flowers and put together necklace chains for necklaces (Kate has requested inventory from me for an upcoming show) and chatted with Eric. Nothing exciting – easy.

Oh yeah, port is scheduled for Tuesday. I have to be there at 6:00 a.m. – UGH.

Home, picked up Ian, hung out at Gina’s for a bit, home to watch a little rest time t.v., started feeling blah but headed outside to let Ian play with the neighbors and they are so great with him that I could just sit and rest.

Ate leftovers from dinner that Kate brought last night and called it good.

I did find it very interesting though when I sat down to do my nightly writing. Eric’s sisters, mom and GG got me this great little book “God’s Inspirational Promises,” I opened it up and it landed on the page about courage. The message was “the disciples were common men given a compelling task. Before they were the stained glass saints, they were somebody’s next-door-neighbors trying to make a living and raise a family. There weren’t cut from theological cloths or raised on supernatural milk. But they were an ounce more devoted than they were afraid and, as a result, did some extraordinary things.”

Again, just what I needed to hear tonight. They were people, like you and me….simple as that. All it takes is a little courage and miracles are possible.

Yes, I am holding out for my miracle and I feel it in my being that it is there ready to be had.

Bittersweet

2011-04-14T19:54:00.002-05:00

I try
To shut out the bitter

in my oh so sweet moments

of the day.

But it is hard.

I try to hand

all the bitter

over to God

but a little is left on my fingers.

I try to remember

that 5 good days

out of 7

is a great percentage.

I try to remember

friends having babies

is a miracle

although not mine.

I try to remember

normal has changed

several times before

and doesn’t mean

it can’t go back.

I try to remember

a time when cancer wasn’t

in my vocabulary

in my life.

I try to remember

My determination is strong

My love for life is stronger

My spirit is strongest

I try to remember

These oh so sweet times

Dear Cancer....

2011-04-13T07:54:00.000-05:00

Unfortunately we meet again. I beat you last time and I will beat you this time as well.

I still don’t understand you, I have no love nor hate for you, I just ask God everyday that you go away from me, from everybody…forever.

What is it about life that you want to take away from me, from so many?

Well the joke is on you cancer. You will be taken out when you are least expecting it. You will be imploded in my body, in whoever’s body you are trying to take over – you will not survive.

If there was a deal to make – eat only one thing for the rest of my life, walk on my hands, run 10 miles a days – I would do it. I would do it in a heartbeat. It would take every ounce of faith I had to trust you though….if we made a deal. You aren’t very trustworthy.

Cancer, don’t you get it? You are in a body that has a 3 ½ year old son, a wonderful husband, is a daughter, a sister, a friend and so much more. Don’t you get it – you are not welcome here. Nobody wants you here in my body or in any body’s body. Every body you are in has a life outside of you. Every body you are in is something to someone else. You try to make yourself their, my, our lives, but you can’t. You are not my life. You are a part of my life right now, but not for long. You will never be my life.

If you are trying to fit in with the crowd you are going about all the wrong way. You get way more friends with honey than vinegar. Why don’t you try that – why don’t you try being nice and see where that gets you. You can’t like what you are. You can’t be proud of what you are.

You can better. It is never too late to change. I will even offer to help you change; to be better, to stop this downward spiral you are in….I will help you.

I am ready to start helping you whenever, now, yesterday – the sooner the better.

Sincerely,

Renee

Write you own letter to cancer. Every letter written, $50 is donated to American Cancer Society.

How do you feel?

2011-04-11T18:31:00.000-05:00

Many have asked so I guess it is time to tell.
I feel okay.

Saturday I felt great…a little tired but nothing bad.

Sunday the aches started.

My bones ache like I have growing pains, my body aches like I have the flu.

Food wasn’t on my to-do list.

Today was better.

I am still pretty achy but I went for a walk this morning after dropping Ian off and that really seemed to help. Oddly enough, I hurt more when I am sitting still verses doing something.

I have eaten today but nothing really sounds good.

I can only take Alieve or Tylenol very sparingly because they can mask other problems.

I am tired, but not able to sleep soundly because lying in bed hurts my body.

I am blah.

Hungry

2011-04-10T13:01:00.000-05:00

Last night, at dinner with Eric, listening to live music, celebrating our 6th anniversary, we (or maybe I) launched into the conversation of 6 years ago – we had NO idea where our lives would be today, would Eric had still married me knowing I was riddled with cancer (yes, I can be a TAD dramatic) and of course he being the prince he is said 1st off, you are NOT riddled with cancer, 2nd off you couldn’t have stopped me from marring you – oh I do love him.
And as most dinners go with a glass of wine, the “why” of it all came up. I said, “I just wish I knew my reason for this – I know there is a reason but what is it?” Would I do something different if I knew my reason for this? Is my reason for this really for me? What if it is to affect someone else to cause them to do something great – who knows? I would love to know.

Eric had a great response though – you are never greater at what you are doing than while you are hungry for the outcome. Once you get to the outcome - your ultimate goal, you let your guard down, you stop trying as hard as you once were because you are there.

This all made me really think. What would I do now if I knew my ultimate reason? Would I try as hard as I am now to understand it – I don’t know…why would I if I already understood it?

So it brings me back to my question of, “what is my reason for this?” I really wish I knew but I am not sure I will ever know. I guess it goes back to everyone’s question – what is our purpose here on earth…I want to think it is to love each other unconditionally but I am sap.

But for now I will stay hungry for life, love, a cure, my purpose, joy, happiness, my family & friends and so much more.

Chemo Chronicle 2.1

2011-04-09T08:47:00.002-05:00

Friday, March 8:

Today started like any other day – Ian woke up at 6:40 and needed me to come lay with him. Of course I can’t refuse when we get to snuggle in his bed and chit chat for 20 minutes until his star goes off.

9:20 came fast but slow. Time seems to be a weird thing lately. It has been exactly one month since I received the call about an abnormal ct scan. Since that Tuesday so so much has happened – tests, biopsy, MD Anderson, visits from best friend, family, a few break downs and normal days in between. In one way I feel like I should have started chemo forever ago but on the hand I can’t believe I am already starting – crazy.

Kissing Ian good-bye this morning was like a kick to the gut (really, I don’t know what that is like because I have never been in a fight in my life (except on little altercation with a best friend but that was just me pulling her hair, OH and that one time I might have hit a boy friend with a car – that is still up for debate as well)) – so all in all, I have never been hit! I digress, back to today. Pulling into the TOC garage is when it hit, the sick feeling in my stomach, the wonder how I was going to make it up the stairs, the fear of what is about to happen to me and what my body is doing to itself.

Once paid, I had to get blood drown – d*mn it! 2 pokes later, they had the blood. After that I decided I AM getting a port…sometime next week. My veins suck (not due to this crap they always have) and if I need blood and an IV every Friday – well that just isn’t happening.

After talking with the nurse practitioner Eric remembered to ask her about my side (I THOUGHT I had gotten a few spider bites on my right side right under my ribs and all who know me know that the way I react to any kind of bite it was no surprise that I thought this major swelling around the bites was just spider bites)….it isn’t spider bites (no it isn’t the cancer trying to come out of my skin – hey, a girl can hope!) I have shingles…WTF?!?! I guess this virus is in most of us if we had chicken pox and then it like to come out when there is a change in stress level – NO idea what brought on the change of stress level?!?!

Okay, now I know I have shingles, am armed with a load of prescriptions we were off to the infusion room. Nothing too exciting happened here. It took about 2 hours in the infusion, but it won’t take that long once I get my port.

After we got home, I passed out for like 1.5 hours, got up felt great, went to Chuy’s for dinner because that just sounded really good – and it was!

Everyone wants to know how I feel. I feel fine – tired but fine. I am curious to see what the next few days bring?

Oh – the care calendar is up. If you told me you wanted me to add you and you have NOT received an email let me. There is a slight (SLIGHT!!) chance I overlooked something and didn’t add your name to the list – big surprise!

The truth of the matter

2011-04-07T18:20:00.000-05:00

“You never find yourself until you face the truth” ~Pearl Bailey
What is it about talking to a parent that makes a person (or me at least) crumble? Today has been a big fat ugly rollercoaster of emotions that I was stuffing way down deep until I talked to my dad. He is a man of VERY few words (odd, I know I came from someone of very few words!) but it takes people like that to really get to me because I know what he is saying is from the heart and he isn’t just talking to talk (like so many of us – me, maybe?!?!).

There was just something about him telling me he would take my place in a second if he could that crumbled me. It hit me then that I am scared, I don’t want to start chemo tomorrow or ever, I don’t want this….I didn’t ask for it and I don’t want it.

But then in my next breath I look at my sweet angel Ian and know it doesn’t matter what I asked for because this is what I have and I will do anything in my power to live for him, for Eric, for myself – anything.

On my way to lunch with the Pink Ribbon Cowgirls, a support group (more like friends) of young breast cancer survivors I received a call from my pastor – it was at the perfect time. He told me just what I needed to hear and I hung up knowing all will be right with the world one day.

After lunch I had to head to my ob office for a quick check up before starting chemo. This really hit me hard seeing other happy pregnant women in there. I was very envious of them, of their lives, of what I will never have again….a pregnant belly with a life inside me. It will take all I have to hold onto this life inside of me right now….me.

I am scared but I am alive.

I don’t want to start chemo but it will save me.

I don’t want to have cancer but it will guide me to be someone bigger and better than I am.

I guess the simplest version of the truth of my matter right now is, I AM LIVING and will continue to be for a VERY long time….maybe on chemo, maybe not but there is only one way to figure it out – start.

Loving What Is

2011-04-04T19:18:00.000-05:00

After visiting with my pastor a few weeks ago he recommended I read a book called “Loving What Is” by Byron Katie. It is a very interesting book and has really solidified my belief in my thought of, it is what it is.
She says in the book there are three types of business: your own business, someone else’s business or God’s business. When you are in someone else’s business you cannot be totally whole and present in your own business. Example: you are all up in a friend’s business in what your friend shouldn’t have done in some situation – none of your business. You can NOT be present in your own business if you are all up in someone else’s business.

I am looking at this “thing” in my life as God’s business. It is His to take control of, it His to do with what He needs to do, it is His – not mine. One of my best friends told me today at the gym that she is doesn’t understand how I am handling this so well. In my mind, there is nothing for me to handle. YES it sucks A*S that I will be in chemo for maybe 10 months…maybe 10 years – at this point I don’t know. But I do know that no amount of worry, no amount of “what if” scenarios played out in my mind, no amount of F*CK THIS will actually do me any good.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I have major breakdowns, I get p*ssed, I really want to beat up a fax machine with a baseball bat (which a friend has loaned me) and listen to “Damn it feels good to be gangster” in the process – and I might organize a little get together and do so. I do give myself a few minutes – not a few hours, not a few days – a few minutes of p*ssed pity party and then party over sister.

I had one of those today when I was trying to decide what day I should have chemo. I just needed to know what days after it I would feel my worst, and no one could seem to tell me sh*t. I was p*ssed – just tell me something so I can know what to do. After talking to a great friend who also works at Tx oncology I got my answer – she asked the pharmacist and according to him 90% of people just feel really worn down…but not down and out like I was last time. Eric did a little more research and I am thinking I will feel like I have a cold – the whole time and no one day seems to be worse than another. THAT is what I needed to know – some facts people – I just need the facts!!

If all goes as planned my first chemo day will be this Friday at 10 a.m.

“Life is full of ups and downs. The trick is to enjoy the ups and have courage during the downs.” ~ Anonymous

We went, we looked, we left....

2011-04-01T16:25:00.000-05:00

“I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and over you” Psalm 32:8

Houston bound started a bright and early 5:50 a.m. this morning. Shower, dressed, packed an “in case” overnight bag, stir fry quinoa for breakfast (yes I am odd and eat non-breakfast foods for breakfast), loved on Ian, was assured by Be Be multiple times they would be fine, just go already and we were out the door. The ride there I had too much nervous energy and chomped gum until my jaw was sore.

After nasty Houston traffic, we found MD Anderson, parked in the MASSIVE parking garage, got out the instructions on where to actually go, found our way around the maze and there we were. I didn’t like it from the get go – the garage, the building, and the masses of people – everything was SO big and so impersonal. Once we got checked I was giving my patient number – which I would now be referred to as…not like it at all.

Once back to meet the nurse, the PA and the Dr I was starting to like the place a little more….a little. The Dr stayed in there for 50 minutes talking to us about the options, the facts, the chances, the everything. I really enjoyed his spin on cancer.

I know in my heart we were guided to him for this, I know in my heart all the prayers I have been praying for about needing a black and white choice were answered today.

Here is the short version of what he told us: if you know something already works on you, why would you give that up to see if something possibly, maybe, might work? I responded excellent to a group of drugs called taxaims last time – that is what Dr H wanted to put me on this time. I am not sure what Eric and I were holding out for, but we needed to hear it in these words “USE WHAT WORKS.” IF we have to deal with something again, we will see what is in the box of tricks but for now, the best in the box of tricks in this.

He also said we can only deal with the right now and right now, this is what is.
I 100% believe that. I have believed that forever – right now is the only thing we can control. We can’t second guess ourselves, we have to hold tight to our beliefs, our guidance, our choices, ourselves.

A few people were disappointed for me with this news, but don’t be. In my heart, I felt this was right all along, I felt I belonged in Austin for treatment, I just felt this was my path.

“in all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your paths straight” Proverbs 3:6

I asked for guidance, I received it, now I will follow it with a pure loving heart – one which is ready to get on with this sh*t and call it good!!

What’s next? I called Dr H to tell her I am ready to schedule a port and chemo. More than likely I will do day surgery and a port will go in next week and chemo will start next week or the week after. And with that for all who were wondering about the care calendar, Gina will send something out once I get my first chemo day scheduled.

In my mind, the sooner we get this started, the sooner it will end!

Love to all...now lets get this train a rollin'

Mr. Science Guy

2011-03-30T08:13:00.000-05:00

I have always prided myself on my ability on making quick & précis decisions. I am (maybe was) the type that once my mind was made up, that was that – it was what it was and I was done with it. From simple things like shopping (unlike my sister who can hem and ha over what color $12 plastic watch to buy for 30 minutes and in the mean time I have shopped, paid and then sucked into her decision making…love you chele) to big things like buying a house (found the house I loved and that was that).

I am losing my ability to make decisions though – any decision. I have been looking at Eric to help me with decisions because in my mind he is Mr. Science Guy. He has researched this “thing” (yes, I think I will refer to it as a “thing” for now) from every angle possible, he has researched my diet and so much more.

I now find myself asking Eric, can I eat that, should I do this, how are we going to decide what to do with my treatment? I even called from the airport after dropping Marci off in tears because I couldn’t decide if I should take the unknown toll-way home.

I feel two things with this loss of decision making and leaning on Eric more – I feel like a part of me is gone because I have never been so needy but on the other hand I feel stronger for recognizing that I need help and asking for it and finally, accepting it!

The Talk

2011-03-28T21:17:00.000-05:00

We all know as parents and children having talks with our parents and/or children that we do NOT want to have are inevitable…and horrible

The “sex” talk.

The “you aren’t doing so well in school” talk.

The “I am pretty sure who you are dating is a loser” talk.

Everyone is uncomfortable, no one wants to talk about it, but at some point the parent has to suck it up and do it.

I would rather have 100 sex talks than the talk we need to have with Ian. Hell, I would rather have the sex talk with my grandparents than our talk that is looming over our heads and in our hearts. We are trying to figure out the right timing. Timing with a 3 yr old is everything. When Eric gets home, Ian is not in listen mode. I can’t have the talk by myself because even when I have the talk in my head, I break down. WHEN are we going to do this?

We went to this place today called Wonders & Worries. They are an awesome group who will have play therapy sessions with Ian for at least 6 weeks to make sure he is processing this and is able to express his feelings.

But in the meantime, it is up to us…to tell him, “mommy has cancer.”

How do we explain to him what cancer is when I still can’t wrap my head around it?

How do we tell him what I am going to be like during chemo? Tired and blah but still his mommy who loves him more than anything and wants so bad to be the one who is able to take care of him?

How do we tell him we aren’t sure how long this is going to last?

How do we tell him any of this sh*t? Any of this that no child should ever hear, more so a 3 year old?

Today was a really hard day for both me and Eric. Visiting that place and then getting my scheduled appt at MD Anderson on Friday totally silicified this…it is happening, it is real, it is about to begin, life as we know might never return, and my heart hurts.

The panic

2011-03-27T17:49:00.000-05:00

When it hits

It hits hard

and fast

It likes to come

at the oddest times

Unloading the dishwasher

Reading an innocent text

In the middle of church

When it sneaks in a little

I can put it back where it belongs

In the trash

Not in my heart

Not in my head

When it attacks

Hard and fast

and my defenses are down

It gets in

but only for a minute

Only for a few tears

Only for a few paniced breaths

Of fear

Of hate

Of rage

Peace

Be still

I muster inside

In my mind

Then my heart

And panic knows

It is not welcome here

Not now

Not ever

Friends

2011-03-25T14:22:00.000-05:00

“Even though we’ve changed and we are all finding our own place in the world, we all know that when the tears fall or the smile spreads across our face, we’ll come to each other because no matter where this crazy world takes us, nothing will ever change so much to the point where we’re not still friends.” ~ anonymous

I realize I have been more than blessed (is that possible) with the friends in my life. I am still best friends with people I went to elementary school with, I keep in touch with all “my group” plus many others from high school, I have made new best friends in my 20’s (which is hard to make good solid friends in your 20’s because let’s face it, we are all a-holes who know everything while in our 20’s – kind of like our teens but worse because now we are educated and really DO know it all), I have a neighborhood full of new mommy friends and the one thing all this girls have in common – they are awesome people.

Now don’t get me wrong, we all have had some FIGHTS and done some STUPID things to each other and together but somehow, we figure it out and realize that a life without friends in not a life. I don’t talk to all these friends daily, weekly, monthly – some I don’t talk to but once a year or haven’t actually talked to them in a few years but it doesn’t matter. Some I do talk to everyday but don’t see but every 2 years or so and when we do see each other it is like no time has passed at all. Some I do see every day and we are helping each other raise our kids together.

All of these friends have helped shape me into the person I am today. They have stepped in and told me it is time to get my sh*t together, they have listened to me cry, complain and b*tch about life, love or whatever traumatic event was taking place, they have listened to me when I had to tell them to get their sh*t together, they have done very STUPID things with me in which we look back on now and wonder how we actually made it to our 30’s, but most of all they all have laughed with me and loved me unconditionally.

“A friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words.” ~ anonymous

I am trying to remember my song and most days I do a great job, but some days are harder than others so friends, please remind me of my song and tell me to get my sh*t together when I need it.

Scared....shitless

2011-03-22T18:56:00.001-05:00

You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do.

- Eleanor Roosevelt

Now, I am NOT saying I can’t and won’t beat this, but I am scared shitless at this point in time. We listened to the meeting with Dr H from Friday when we found out the “news,” Monday night and I heard things I worked really hard to forget (yes maybe by drinking lots of wine) during the weekend. I made another appt with her yesterday for today because we had time to get our heads on straight, think rationally and ask coherent questions (Friday….not so much).

So we now know the following things are a for sure – whereas Friday we were kind of sure, maybe, not really.

It has nothing to do with Rheumatoid Arthritis. I was hoping the hot spots in my shoulder were somehow from… maybe RA….not.

The main spot on my lung is kind of in the middle of my chest and is about 2 inches. We can’t biopsy more now from this spot because it is in front of my heart and well at this point a needle in my heart isn’t going to help matters much.

There are several (still not sure HOW much) spots IN my lungs (before I was thinking they were on my lungs…not sure why) and each of these are about the size of pea.

We can’t do surgery on these because they are small and randomly all over the place.

I am still not 100% sure about the bone…it is in my bones but barely because it did NOT register on the bone scan. It is on a rib and in my left shoulder area (this is what I was hoping was going to be from RA).

Eric then wanted to have a private conversation with her which I was fine with. Not really sure what all was said and at this point and I don’t care. My mind is made up that I don’t care…I don’t care what is said, I am going to be here…for my life, for Eric, for Ian, for my family, for my friends…I DON’T CARE what they say. I DON’T F-IN CARE!!!

I asked for a 3 week plan (I think I like figuring out steps in 3 weeks at a time – less than a month but manageable). Get an appt with MD Anderson in Houston, go get thrown through a gamut of tests again, figure out if they have any trials going on that would benefit me – if yes, great – go to Houston once a week. If no, see what they would recommend. If same as Dr H, get treatment here. If different, figure out what is different, have them collaborate and see what option is better. How we are going to actually make this decision – I have no idea. Eric found several other trials throughout the country that we were hoping would pan out to be something….no.

SO pretty much, in 3 weeks I will be in chemo. If we go with her my treatment it will be 3 weeks on (once a week), 1 week off for 5 – 10 months.

A coward gets scared and quits. A hero gets scared, but still goes on.

- Anonymous

I came up with my new prayer: Thank You God for my body which is a vessel of radiant health that is full of life, love, laughter and light for at least another 50 years.

I am scared…very scared.

The wind storm

2011-03-21T12:17:00.000-05:00

How do you stay still in the middle of a wind storm?
I am not sure.

“I cannot change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination.” Jimmy Dean

Eric and I were sitting on the couch while mom and Marci were fluttering about cleaning and organizing (because lets be real, some things I am not good at) and he said, I guess this is something we need to get used to….sitting still while others aren’t. I asked how we keep still in the middle of a wind storm. Get to the middle…the center of a tornado is still (not really sure I believe him with that, but we will go with it for now!)

So, how do we as a family get to the middle of the tornado, hunker down and stay still?

At church yesterday, our pastor preached about claiming our wholeness. He explained there are two perceptions when we think of asking for things. We feel 100% different about asking our boss for a raise and not knowing what the answer will be verses when our boss asks us to do a project for him and we already know what the answer will be. The point was when I, we, everyone prays, I shouldn’t ask for me to be healed, cured, fixed (yes, I feel broken), etc. I need to know I am already whole and healed in His eyes and I need to pray this way. I need to pray from a place where I am already cured, where I am already free of disease, where I am already with my son who is grown and I was there to see it all happen.

What I ask of you is to pray from a place of gratitude, grace and light. Don’t pray from a place of desperation, fear and anger.

Don’t pray: Dear God, please let me have a healthy pregnancy.

Instead pray, Dear God, thank You for my healthy baby.

For me I pray, Dear God, thank You for my healthy body and every little cell being well. Thank You for the long life ahead of me full of love, laughter and light.

“You must take personal responsibility. You cannot change the circumstances, the seasons, or the wind, but you change yourself. That is something you are in charge of.” Jim Rohn

I am trying….trying as hard as I can to find this place, to know I am in charge of me, my thoughts, my love for myself and others, my everything. I am trying to find my middle safe place but man alive, right now I do feel like I have been sucked up into the tornado and am flying around with the cows.

Tailspin

2011-03-19T19:31:00.000-05:00

The world as we knew it was promptly busted around 9:45 Friday morning. The results are in; I felt like someone punched me in the stomach and kicked me in the ribs while I was down and then pulled my hair just for fun.
It is stage IV metastatic breast cancer. What this means is, it is the same cancer as in the breast, it has moved to my lungs and 3 spots in some bones and ribs?? Not really sure of all the details because as soon as I heard treatable but not curable, I pretty much floated into a bubble and only heard tid bits of information. I now know how Charley Brown felt all those years – you are there, you know something is being said but you can’t for the life of you focus, listen and hear.

We are looking into MD Anderson to see if there is a clinical trial for me to be in and if not I will start chemo within 2 weeks. And within these 2 weeks I will need to go to day surgery again to get a port. Eric still has many questions as to the treatment(s) so we still aren’t sure what exactly is going to be happening. I do know this, it is going to be a long road, it is going to be hard but it is all going to be worth every second of the hard work to get to live this wonderful life with my hubby, Ian, family and friends.

I can’t thank everyone enough for the loving emails, texts and voicemails. I am not ready to talk about this yet and honestly, I am not sure I ever will be. To me it is what it is, we are going to do what needs to be done and our “normal” life will now just be a different level of normal.

Three Little Words

2011-03-15T19:51:00.000-05:00

You have cancer
WHAT THE F*CK?

Remember to breathe

Its breast cancer

It is small

Is stage one

Whole world spins

Chemo, surgery, radiation

You are done

Celebrate, cheer, love

One year by

You’re still clean

Two years by

You look great

Approaching 3 yrs

Off the anti-depressants

Abnormal CT scan

F*CK F*CK F*CK

In the lung(s)

All is unknown

Scared, pissed, sad

Ready to fight

Be bald again

Ask for help

Ask for prayers

Cry, laugh, love

The elephant in the room

2011-03-14T00:32:00.000-05:00

Is now me – damn it, I hate when that happens. Or I at least like it to happen when someone says something bitchy to me and I have to break out “the look” and everyone is on edge thinking, “oh shit, is she going to say something?!?!” Oh, you girls know the last time THIS happened!
FAQs:

How are you?

I am pissed, but honestly I am okay. I am sure Friday when we go to talk treatment it might hit me a little more and I might crack, but I don’t really feel like that. I don’t feel that being sad is going to do me, Eric or Ian any good. However, I won’t be false strong this time. If I have a crappy day, you all are going to hear about it. If I want to cry, someone will be hearing from me. If Eric or I are scared, we will talk to each other or someone about it. There will be no pussy footing around how shitty this is this time.

What can I do for you?

Nothing right now, but my neighborhood h**kers, on I mean honeys are going to be putting together a care calendar. If you want to add something to it, please let me know I will get you in touch with who is doing what. And believe you me, we are not turning away ANY help this time. If you offer, you better be willing to produce because we are taking you up on it! :)

How is Eric?

Eh, I guess the same as me. He thinks the same as me – no need to be sad, do what needs to be done and get on with life. We were laughing tonight because he thinks he last bit of hair on top is fading and I said, well this is surly going to do it in.

What are you going to tell Ian?

Not sure yet. We will figure it out as we go.

Are you mad at God?

No. I know he didn’t give me this. I am confused as to if there is a lesson for me to still learn what in the world it is?? I felt like I had/have a good grasp on my purpose while here on earth and thought I was working towards helping people create beauty, share love and pass along kindness…maybe that isn’t it? I don’t know.

Can you still drink? YES – lots of red wine is my friend at this point in time.

Can you still exercise? Yes, I did not lose my legs. :)

What are you going to do with Ian? Keep on keeping on with our life. I am going to more than likely put him in M/W/F MDO and get some help on T/Th when either my mom, Eric's mom or Aunt Tammy isn’t here to help.

What about Leopards & Lilies? I have a plan – I can make necklaces while sitting at chemo and have my etsy site take off!! Not sure about classes right now but I will see. This makes me sad because I feel like I had really found my nitch and hit my stride with it all but alas, maybe this isn’t the stride I need to be hitting?

Are you changing your diet? YES. Eric and I have talked about it for too long and now it is 100% time to do it. Low GI foods, no preceded foods and no sugar. Hey, I will lose those last 15 pounds!

I know you might read this and think I am not taking it seriously, I am taking it very serious. But like I said it isn’t going to do me or our family any good to be boo hooing about it. I will figure out the next step and go from there.

And, I am so eternally grateful for all my family and friends who have reached out to help support us. It really makes us see just how blessed we are to have all you wonderful people in our lives.

Until Friday….

At least I can laugh….

2011-03-11T20:31:00.000-06:00

Tuesday, March 8, 2011
9:23 a.m. I received the call I never wanted to receive again – Texas Oncology calling me to tell me that something on my CT scans came back and my Dr wanted to see me ASAP.

My plan for the day was to go to the gym with Gina and then head to Central Market to let the kids play. Well, the plan changed. I called Eric almost about to throw up telling him he needed to meet me at tx oncology at 3:30 and then called Gina to tell her to come over and she needed to watch Ian at 3:00. Fast forward to Central Market, we let the boys run and play, ordered food and a glass of wine and headed up to our usual spot on the outside upstairs deck to have it all to ourselves.

15 minutes later, a women’s head peaks out the door, “wow, it is nice out here,” she said. “It is a great place for us to let the kids run around, and we enjoy lunch,” I say (FAIR WARNING in that statement with me saying “let the kids run around”). Fast forward another 15 minutes, we have food, a glass of wine due to the call earlier and the boys are well, being boys. The one woman has grown to a group of 4 or 5 not really sure. Well Parker and Ian think it will be fun to yell at the nasty birds and honestly I don’t care at this point – more than don’t care, I don’t give a F*CK what others are thinking at this point. The one old lady at the table says, “they are hurting our ears” “well, sorry – we were here first, we sit out here for a reason, and they are just being boys,” I say. Gina and I continue to eat, the boys continue to munch and run around. They start hollering down at BB and the old lady comes over to us and says, “You don’t own this patio” (REALLY??? You think we would actually be eating here if we did??!?!?) “blah blah blah” (at this point I totally tuned her out because I wasn’t having it) then I snapped, I was done. “You know what, I received a call from my oncologist telling me I have cancer for a second and at this point I don’t care, I don’t care what they are doing and I don’t care if it is bothering you” “well, I am on codeine – we all have our problems.” Then me and Gina just laugh, we can’t help it we just laugh. I wish I was on codeine and I sure as heck wouldn’t be acting like that!

Sylvia gets there at the very tail end of the “confrontation” and Gina and I are laughing and crying, Sylvia has no idea what the hell is going on and I just want to drink more wine. And that we did, I went and bought us a bottle, and we sat out in the sunshine and enjoyed ourselves.

3:30 Get to oncologist and feel like I am seriously going to puke, still a little buzzed and just pissed. Eric and I try to pass time by playing each other in words with friends – I guess it helped the puking feeling. Got called back – SH*T, here we go. Got weighed and am down another pound (whoot whoot!) and more waiting. Knock, knock F*CK, it is real. “Hi there, can I come in,” she says, “I guess.” “So, have you been feeling okay” and right then I knew. “Well, I have been having trouble breathing but I thought it was seasonal asthma/allergies”….you thought wrong sucker.

She said there is a chance it is some random infection to which I said, well a child in Ian’s mother day out had whooping cough. “Have you had a cough?” “No” “Not whooping cough…” yes, I was grasping for anything.

From this point on, I am not really sure what was said and the best Eric and I can piece together: 2 masses on lunges, one on each; might be wrapped around a blood vessel and limp node, some smaller areas of concern but aren’t called lesions. She told me we can’t know it is cancer until we have gathered all our facts, which will be in my lung biopsy.

Here is what I did hear, the sadness in her voice when she told me to gather my support system because I was going to need them and the love in her hug as I broke down in her arms. Pull it together to walk out and start scheduling everything. On Wednesday: lung Dr at 9:30 & head MRI at 2:55 and on Friday, PET scan.

Leave, very shaken trying to decide who to call and what to do. Call mom, ask her if she can talk and am pretty sure before she even answers me I am a puddle on the phone and probably not making much sense. Texted Gina to have her get Sylvia and Teri and all them come over at 8:30 after kids are down. Eric and I make margaritas and let Ian eat dinner on the couch. Girls come over at 8:30 and drinking wine commences and goes on for awhile.

Oh, funny side note, Gina told me, “Girl you got Sylvia to pray for the first time today – you got the atheist to pray!!” Again, at least we can laugh.

Wednesday:

Wake up pretty hung over – oh not feeling so hot at all. Rally, get ready, make Ian’s lunch, hang out with the boys and hit the road. I forgot how much I hate morning traffic (one of the many perks of my life). Get to lung dr after getting lost a few times, take too many breathing tests and wait for him to come him….it is taking forever and I am watching Top Chef on my phone.

He comes in, we talk and I decide he is a cool guy and I know why Dr. H sent me to him – he knows his stuff and is bad a*s at what he does. He tells his nurse to clear his schedule for Friday which of course makes my heart beat a little faster. Talk some more about the procedure and schedule the bronchoscope for Friday – although I heard what he said, I am still clueless as to what I will be having done. Leave thinking this isn’t really happening.

Library, lunch, pick up Ian, hang out at home for an hour or so and then off to brain MRI.

Okay, I am tired of being poked at this point. 2 pokes and I have yet another IV this week. MRI is nothing exciting and although the knocking was random and odd, I found it a little soothing – I think this shows how stressed I am at this point.

6:30 – oncologist calls to tell me head is good!! WHOOP WHOOP, one for Team S

Thursday:

Normal day around here. Ian swim lessons, gym with Gina, lunch at Phil’s Ice House, home to hang out and play.

Finally looked on-line and decided I needed collective prayers for a lung fungus. Sent out the word for that to be the prayer. Mom & Rachele thought I was a little strange but said they would go along with my plan – thanks y’all!!

Friday:

Ugh, here we go. Get up, normal day, get ready, smell the yummy coffee that I couldn’t have (I don’t blame Eric, he needed it!) Ian was very excited to go over to Zach’s for the day which made it that much easier for us to drop him off.

Got to the hospital, checked in, back to my room and poked again – TWO times if you were wondering. IV count for the week:3.

Eric and I hung out, people in and out to talk to us, Dr. in, drugs in and out. Wake up, will myself to wake up because at this point I am ready to go home and be done. Asked the nurse if I could look at her Cooking Light magazine, because who doesn’t like to look at yummy food when you know you can’t eat? Was wheeled back to my room where Eric was waiting for me and after I told him I was looking at the magazine and he said, we can get the cooking channel again I knew the answer to my question – what is it?? “Is it?” “yes” “F*CK” – I seem to be using this word a lot lately. Talk about what dr. told him…it is small (under 1 cm) and seems to be in only one spot. Dr. came in and explained a little more of what he found – still not 100% sure if the spot is in lymph node or right by it – eh, will find out soon enough. Had to hear all the warnings about coughing up blood, high temp, blah, blah, blah – I am ready to blow this joint.

3:00 – FINALLY I can drink some water and eat. I thought I was to about to dry up.

3:30 – Pick up Ian, head home for normal night.

Stay tuned for the exciting adventures to come with this round of bull sh*t!

Ask and you will receive

2011-03-01T19:17:00.000-06:00

And not always the answer you wanted.
For those who know me personally (not sure who actually reads this) know that I almost had given up on actually having another child of our own. I have still been holding on to that last prayer, that last glimmer of hope of my desire to have another child of our own. Eric on the other hand (who is much more “scientific” then me) has always wanted to know the numbers – what is my chance of getting cancer again if we did have another baby, chances after waiting 3 years, chances after 5 years, chances if we decide no baby.

The problem with all this is triple negative cancer (what I had) is a very aggressive breast cancer and there aren’t a lot of numbers of life after it because for so long, tn was very bad. Now, new medicine, new ways to treat, etc numbers after tn are great but there isn’t much info on babies after tn.

Long story short, I have been praying for an answer, a clear black & white, yes or no answer to my heart’s question – should we ever try to have another child after I hit my 3 year mark?? I do feel in my heart this is my answer:

Triple-Negative Breast Cancer risk increases with each birth

Oh, how my heart aches with this harsh reality. But in the same breath I have to remind myself of all the blessings we have – all of our health, our family, a life with almost no worries, family, friends, each other, and on and on and on.

But I do still have my “wish I would have done” moments – I wish I would have tried harder to breast feed Ian, I wish I would have never gone back to work when he was 4 months because I feel I missed so much his first 18 months, I wish I would have soaked in every moment of his infancy verses waiting for the next stage and thinking, it has to get easier. But I do find comfort in knowing I held him as much I could, I loved/love him with all my heart, I kissed/kiss him as much as I could and can. I can say with 100% certainty cancer did change my life, our family life and our future but instead of looking back on these next few years with regret about not having the family I had envisioned for us, I vow to cherish every moment, every experience and remind myself daily that life is precious and perfect even if it isn’t what I had in mind.

Cruisin’ back to reality

2011-02-28T21:32:00.000-06:00

I think that is the hardest part of a vacation – getting back to reality, not having someone cook and serve me, instead me cooking and doing the serving and laundry. But we are back, laundry is washed, folded and put up and I have a very, VERY long list of stuff I need to get started on.
But for viewing pleasure, here are some pictures from the cruise.

Okay, so this new photo upload from blogger is taking way too long. Here is a link to flickr for some more pictures from the cruise.

Pure Bliss

2011-02-15T07:52:00.001-06:00

I have found my pure bliss – teaching creative classes to the younger population. Saturday I had a Valentine’s class at my church and had 5 yr olds – 11 yr olds. I love the way the children are so open to letting their creativity shine through and really embrace what they are there to do – make cards for people they love.

The light in their eyes after they were done and I was dotting on them and their creations was something so special and something I will never forget.

Yesterday I had an afterschool class at a high school nearby for 12 teenagers. Now, this was a little – ok a lot different from the younger kids, but it was great fun and fulfilling in a different way. I had a few of them tell me that they were not creative and didn’t want to take part; however, their teacher insisted everyone take part! Those who told me they couldn’t do did some of the best work. Others completely let themselves go and created their own designs, while the few teachers – male if I might add – ate it up. They were very apprehensive when they got there and ended up loving it and really getting into the creative process.

Working with children/teenagers etc was so rewarding to me. I feel like I got as much out of the classes as they did and I can’t wait to do more!

January Recap

2011-02-06T08:34:00.001-06:00

I was rereading this post to see where I started and where I am now and I am proud to I did this without knowing I did it – odd, I know!!

- One goal a month (stolen from Happiness Project)

- Work on said goal daily (stolen from Happiness Project)

- Review goal daily (stolen from Happiness Project)

- Make Vision Board for year (working on now – will post pics when done!)

- Play “don’t break the chain” on wall calendar:

So really, what all these little steps are going to help me do is simple – do something – anything – I don’t care but I will work on my goals daily and remind myself of what I want to attain with them.

In January I really worked on 2 things: counting calories and business – all be it in a different way than I had intended to at the beginning of the year. I am very excited to say that the boring task of counting calories on a daily basis has completely paid off - 8 pounds since January 3rd! SWEET! And in a weird way I am now enjoying the game of counting – how can I get a (1,000) calorie most days between food and working out, what can I eat that keeps me the fullest the longest for the how many calories, and most of all, it is nice to see what I put in my body.

Business – I have really hit a creative stride. I feel like I have finally found myself in my creating and I am loving every minute of it. What I don’t love – the social media side of everything. I usually yell at my computer anytime I am trying to do something new with typepad and/or FB – ARGULA!!

February goals:

Do more workbooks with Ian.

Gget all my “social media” sh*t linked and working and after our cruise (oh yes, we are going on a cruise!!!) send out a huge grand-opening email/evite for my etsy shop.

What do y’all think would be better – email or evite (I know they are kind of the same but not really) or would both be overkill? Not sure what to with that one.

check it out....

2011-01-31T07:39:00.000-06:00

I teamed up with an old friend who sews super cute stuff to do a week's worth of blog give a ways - be sure to check it out and sign up to win!!

http://leopardsandlilies.typepad.com/where-sweet-meets-sassy/2011/01/valentines-advent-tree-give-a-ways-too-much-fun.html

Note to self:

2011-01-23T21:33:00.000-06:00

I AM NOT GOOD AT PICKING OUT PAINT COLORS!! Period, the end.
No matter what I do, no matter how many swatches I get, no matter how many sample colors I paint on the wall, no matter what - my paint picking out skills SUCK! SUCK, SUCK, SUCK!!!!

And I have no estimation skills either.

Here is how it went:

I bought 6, yes 6 grey samples and painted swatches on the kitchen wall.

3 whites for trim

4 browns for accent wall

After much debate, I decide to pull the trigger and say we are going to use sterling on all the walls....top left.

Go to Home Depot, buy 5 gallons, 1 gallon of white for trim and 1 gallon on brown for accent wall.

Monday morning: Painters arrive. Please note, they speak hardly any English and my friend Teri was here with me when they came to give me the quote and did the talking for me. She wasn’t here Monday morning.

Do my best to ask how much more for them to paint all the doors – now that I realized (with the help of Teri pointing it out to me) that if we are painting the trim, we will need to doors painted as well. Yes, they painters asked me if I wanted the doors painted and I said no.

Okay, good – doors are now going to be painted.

They get to work, Ian is not a happy camper being as he is being kicked out of the living room.

We will leave to go over to Sylvia’s for much needed mommy talk and for the kids to run themselves ragged. Come home about 4 hours later.

First coat is on the living room – UH OH – not looking like the swatch I picked out. Maybe because it is wet?!?!? Now trying to hope for the best.

Eric comes home – he looks at it and tells me it will be okay – it will be what it is. NOT GOOD. I needed him to tell me that it was in fact not lavender and that he loved it. He.did.not.say.that.

It doesn't look THAT bad in this picture, but in the evening and night time, with the lights on, the color of our floors and couch, it looked lavendar. NOT what I wanted.

Monday night.

We decide that we don’t want this color, yes the color that we have FIVE gallons of, in the kitchen as well. They hadn’t started the kitchen so we were good in that aspect.

Tuesday morning.

Me and Ian load up, at 8:00 a.m., hit the donut store and to home depot to get a tile out of our back splash color matched – nope, that can’t color match it because the color is under glass. With the help of an employee, we match the tile to a swatch. Get a gallon.

When the painters get here, I tell them to paint the kitchen a different color. He looked very confused at what I was saying.

We leave again, come home in the afternoon – kitchen looks great. Living room still looks lavender – ARG!

Tuesday night.

We decide that we have to love the new paint and at this point, we hated the lavender that was glaring back at us.

Wednesday morning.

I use my phone translator to figure out how to ask them how much to repaint the living room, entry way and small hallway off the bathroom downstairs. Okay, price worked out.

Take Ian to MDO.

Come home, paint piece of wood with kitchen color, head to Home Depot yet again. Eric was going to meet me there in about 30 minutes. The nice lady noticed I was looking pretty panicked and asked if I needed help – YES, I NEED HELP!! So after she went through all my choices, I told her my problem, she picked 3 all new choices for me. Eric got there, we picked Elephant skin, got 3 gallons.

Brought the paint back home.

A few hours later, it was painted and it was BEAUTIFUL, WONDERFUL, I LOVE IT!!!

The pictures don't do the paint colors justice but they are wonderful!!
Now however, I have about 2.5 gallons of the sterling (lavendar) color left, 1.5 of elephant skin and little parts of trim, kitchen and accent wall – which I am good with those being left over.

Now on to getting stuff back on the walls, curtains, new rug, backsplash put up (yes, we have it picked out) and stairs redone (yes, I think Eric and I are going to attempt doing them ourselves) and then the downstairs is done!!! I am hoping to have a home warming party in late April/early May for Eric and I's birthday - here is hoping...and working.

Mushy, gushy, oushy

2011-01-17T20:45:00.000-06:00

Yes, I am aware most of the above words (all of them!) are my made up words that I usually reserve for Ian bo-bein. But after my day today with “my girls” I just feel all mushy, gushy inside – I love my girls. I never thought of myself as a stay-at-home mom and a big part of that was because I was afraid of not having the daily social contact with the outside world.
This group we have formed has slowly been progressing over time and I realized today that we are so much more than a “neighborhood group of friends.” We are the kind of friends you look at with envy (I know I have looked at others with that envy), we are the kind of friends I wasn’t sure existed after high school (I had VERY high standards after my high school group who I still am great friend with today), we are true friends - who are all completely ourselves with and for that, we all accept and love each other. I never thought I would be a part of something this great again and it makes me a better mommy, person, woman and so much more.

So to the mushy, gushy part (as if that wasn’t enough??) – after realizing this I realized even more so how completely blessed and 100% fortunate I am in life, love, family matters and happiness. Sometimes it is hard for me to over look the two things that I am not sure about in life – more children & cancer. And yes, if I look at those as individual matters they can consume me, get me all worked up and almost drive me crazy, but when I look at my life as a whole – those two pretty big matters don’t make a dent in all the other blessings I have.

I am happy. I am loved, in love and love. I am healthy. I have a wonderful family (don’t get me wrong, they drive me a little crazy at times!) I have friendships of all kinds and across the country. I am creative and have a wonderful supportive husband who believes I can make my hobby a business.

It is easy to get caught up in what I don’t have, what I want, how fast I wish I could run, etc. but then I think about those things and I know even if I had all that it wouldn’t matter without all my other mushy gushy stuff.

Truth be told…

2011-01-09T17:40:00.000-06:00

Well, hmmm this year started with a bang – not really the bang I wanted but a bang – luckily not my head on the floor!! After a frightening fall down the stairs last Monday morning while carrying Ian, my New Year did start with a bang! He was fine, my foot - well not so much! It is a "soft tissue sprain" - whatever that really means?!?! Now, I am stuck with this lovely boot on for the next 3 – 4 weeks...I guess it could be worse...I know it could be - I have had it worse!
Truth one: those stupid little calories that I can’t even see add up quickly and DO matter – a lot!! And wine has way too many calories but oh they might be the best 130 calories of my day! After a week of counting, I am down 4 pounds – whoop, whoop!!

Truth two: I am honestly VERY surprised I haven’t fallen down the stairs sooner than this. And according to my sister, she is surprised too!

Truth three: I haven’t started on any of my other New Year’s goals. I have all the stuff cut out of magazines, pictures printed and a design layout that I want to use on my vision board.

Truth four: I had a mammogram last Monday and all is well!! I am looking forward to the oncologist appt this month because this will mark two years! 2 out of 3 years is a big deal!!

Truth five: I have been putting more time and energy into my L&L blog than this one lately – sorry for that but I am enjoying making things so much!

Truth six: I missed Ian when he went back to MDO on Wednesday.

Truth seven: Eric and mine date night on Friday night was wonderful, much needed and much overdue.

Truth eight: I am about to start “soliciting” L&L Creative classes to businesses around town and I am scared out of my mind. Luckily my dear friend Kate is going be with me the first few calls I make – YIKES!