Tuesday, September 22, 2015

Explosions

These last two weeks have been glorious. I have been so full of energy and have had no pain that I quickly slipped into remembering what "normal" life was like before I had constant headaches.

I had a headache start yesterday and I've been on my headache medicine this whole time and I thought to myself no this can't be ...I'm doing everything everybody tells me to do 
maybe I just worked out too hard? maybe I did a little too much painting?
Maybe, maybe, maybe a lot of things??

All I know is it isn't a maybe how f-cking sad I am today to still be in pain.

Yes I am writing this while talking into my phone crying because I get so tired of the ups and downs that seems to be life with chronic pain or what ever anybody wants to call this stage four cancer bullshit.

People tell us stage 4 girls how strong and how brave we are all the time and we are for the most part but I want others to see the breakdown side of this too...just what I am showing you right now.

I have already had to call a friend to pick up Ian from school because I know I can't drive when I'm like this because light hurts my eyes. I've already had to call my brain oncologist just to ask for stronger meds because what I was on that was keeping the pressure balanced and my migraines away obviously is not working anymore…only 2 1/2 weeks and it makes me a sad nervous wreck. 


Thursday, September 10, 2015

Wigging Out

I never went the wig route my two times through chemo or radiation...for some reason I thought I was being strong and showing the world I was proud of my baldness. I was fighting cancer damn it...look at my bravery. BLAH...now that I am older I realize I stayed bald because my child wasn't old enough to care if I had hair or not because if he had, I would have no shame going the wig route.
Now I realize that was not the case. 

One of my cancer girls is going bald yet again from another chemo she is on. Her children are a little older and are sensitive to the fact mom is once again losing her hair.

So I do what I do...go along and give my opinion. Here is the thing with me, if you ask me for the truth I will give it one way or another. If I don't say anything, you probably know I don't like it?!


We went to Abba wigs here in Austin. Kelli had an appointment but I am not sure if you have to have one.

I most admit I was a little creeped out at first when we first walked into the room with all the heads of hair. But I got over it quick when we started laughing about some of the stuff we were saying in there.





We settled on this one in a slightly darker color...not dark just with more low lights. I think it is going to look great.

I am so happy I can be there for my friends for crap like this.

Monday, September 7, 2015

Three Years ago

Walking through the sand with the salt water drying on my skin – I felt a shift in me that I had been praying for for as long as I can remember. 

Sometimes the prayer is on the fore front of my mind.
Sometimes the prayer will slip to sleep until I wake up realizing things still hadn’t changed.

I went on with life thinking this prayer was going to go in the unanswered prayer bucket.

But the problem with that has always been, I really don’t believe in the unanswered prayer bucket. I believe all prayer get answered…maybe not the way I thought or hoped it would get answered, but I believe all the prayers out there will be answered in some way.

My prayer for so long was I just want to do what I could do before cancer.

This weekend marked 3 years ago that I had my first brain surgery which would later turn into three…but who is counting?!?! But the funny thing is, I didn’t even realize it. It was my sister-in-law who told me this while we were all at the beach. It had popped up on her Facebook Timeline. 


I guess even though I want to forget about this, it is really nice to be reminded, so I could see how far I have come.

Here is to many more beach trips and more adventures. 








Tuesday, September 1, 2015

New painting

I painted this as a going away gift Dr. H's nurse who has been these with me through a lot of crap.

It was still in process here

This is the final piece. I REALLY need to work on my camera skills.

I am getting ready to get more work going.