Calling it a win

After looking back, I can never figure out what comes first – the constant pain or the depression, or do they come as a team?

I always notice the pain first, so I will say the pain comes first.

Image if you will, what it might feel like to put a helmet on all day and night and that the right side of said helmet is entirely too tight.  It is constantly squeezing your head and from your eyebrow down to the back of your skull, there is a constant pressure pain from the squeeze.

At first you can tolerate pressure and pain and put it in the back of your mind. But honestly as the pain stays longer, as the days fade into nights, your ability to say you are ok also fades.

No one really knows what is going on, so the guessing games begin.

4^th brain tumor, migraine, swelling??

There is no one external test to tell us what is going on inside my head that is creating these mind numbing headaches.

I say external for a reason: they could cut me open again to dig out more tissue to test to see exactly what it is.

Last week was productive: had a brain oncologist appointment where we discussed my pain, we decided to start new medicines to help the swelling.  I got through 3 different medicines until I found one that works. The first 2 made me sleep…A LOT. Or maybe it was the pain?  Either way I was sleeping 12-15 hours a day.  

Thursday I broke down and told Eric I was getting depressed.  All this not knowing, all the hurt, all the extra bullshit laid on my plate was too much.  I was cracking.  He didn’t seem surprised.

I did call and make therapy appointment for the week.  I do think therapy is going to need to be in my life as long as I have these major swings of feeling like total shit to worse to a little better back to shit and then good.  I never know what tomorrow will bring.

So for today, I have a slight headache, but I painted and wrote this, so I am going to call it a win! 

Learning as I go

My head starts to hurt just a tad bit more than usual.

I start to question myself about just how long has it been hurting this bad.

You see – I have many different types of hurts these days. Some are just there and I don’t think twice about them. Some cause a pause to calm myself down and remember just how much my body has been through and from all that, I have lasting effects. Some cause a full on shut down of me – I try to stuff the fear away in my dark closet but sometimes that closet is stuffed too full and I can’t close the door all the way.

When the door isn’t all the way closed, pieces of shit from the closest fall out on to the floor – right at my feet where I inevitably trip.

I don’t remember when I stopped being able to correct my trip with a few stumbling steps.  But somewhere along the way, that trip – any trip has led to a full on fall without me even being able to stumble and try to regain my balance.

Now a small trip lands me laid out in my own path trying to figure out:

                How to even go about getting back up?

                How to not be mad at myself for letting myself fall?

                How to once again try to trust my legs to carry me to        where I need and want to be.

Yes it is true – I have trust issues with myself.

I don’t trust my body to do what it needs to do – what it is supposed to do…keep my cells alive and healthy.

Somewhere on this road, this trust issues has morphed into panic.

Panic that my body no longer knows what the hell is going on.

It happened again – I had a panic attack Wednesday.  I was supposed to go over to a friend’s house for lunch.  But, I haven’t been to this house in a LONG time, the directions she sent didn’t really make sense and I shut down. My leg went numb, I got dizzy and I went numb…I thought I might be having a small seizer. I called and said I was sorry, but no lunch for me.

I stayed home and instead of talking myself into panic mode, I worked through it.  I used some tools my therapist worked with me on and guess what?  It worked! 

I think I was having a panic attack because I didn’t know exactly where I was going and I felt out of control.

I didn’t think I was a control freak, but turns out I just might be?!?!  I am ok with this though because in all honesty I am extremely proud of myself for being able to work this out and realize I will always have some sort of work to do with me accepting myself just how I am.  Control freak and all!