Tuesday, March 24, 2015

Real life

I want to keep it real here, so y'all get an honest view of what life looks like for me.
And while keeping it real, that means to tell the truth...the whole truth.

Last week I had brain chemo and felt like crap for 48 hours.
You know, the whole pounding headaches, exhaustion, queasiness and other stuff that comes along with chemo.

BUT, I am so happy to say I didn't let myself go down my rabbit hole of what if questions this time!

I just accepted it for what it was - part of chemo - didn't read more into it AND didn't beat myself up with guilty feelings! 
WOW...I am growing into the person I want to be.

Wednesday, March 18, 2015

Small but grand


Eric and I just went out of town to celebrate our upcoming 10 year anniversary. We knew neither of us wanted anything big or extravagant, so we decided to take a small getaway to this cute town called Fredricksburg. 
For those of you from Texas...maybe not? know about this place and know how cute it is!


Of course we drink a lot 😳



I had to take a picture of that sign because because I feel like that is my life?!?!




And yes… Of course we had to use the new selfie stick!


And it is no wonder why I am still puffy and swollen from all the food and drinks we had that was three days!


But as always, it is the best when we return home. Eric and I really missed our little dude and we recharge her batteries and we're ready to go again!

Wednesday, March 11, 2015

4 years with Stage 4 Breast Cancer


A lot can happen in 4 years 
A lot does happen in 4 years 

If you have a child, 4 years seems like a lifetime with so many changes that happen daily; sometimes you think a certain stage will never end and other times you want to freeze time and never have that stage end.

Growing up: you can start and finish college in 4 years; you can meet the person of your dreams and marry him/her, you can meet a special someone and everything change in an instant...

4 years is a short period of time when looking at a 36 year span of life, but it is also a lifetime when living with Stage 4 Breast Cancer as a 36 year old wife, mom, daughter, sister, friend and so much more.

Today snuck up on me just like life does. Today is my 4 year "anniversary" of living with stage 4 breast cancer.

4 years ago I wasn't sure I would be alive to see today being as the average life span with Stage 4 cancer is 2 - 5 years.

I have been through many MANY stages of the grieving process, have had 3 brain surgeries and have managed to learn to let it be...let my life be what it is without being mad at it it myself for what is or what might have been.

I didn't realize it was my 4 year anniversary until the end of a great day with great friends.

I used to call them "my cancer friends" because well that is what I do... I give my friends group names so other friends will know who I am talking about. But they aren't my cancer friends, they are my sisters...they understand me and my woes better than I can even explain. 

Today we were all able to go the Celebration of Life Luncheon hosted by Zeta Tau Alpha and Kendra Scott to benefit Seton Breast Care Center at the new JW Marriott in downtown Austin. 

To say it was AMAZING is an understatement.

It was filled with love.
I was filled with love.





So this is what the last 4 years have brought me...friends with a connection not many people will understand, an appreciation of life, love and so much more.

Thank you Austin chapter of Zeta Tau Alpha, Kendra Scott & Seton Breast Care Center...today was a beautiful day.

Monday, March 9, 2015

Learning to live

We left a friend’s house on Saturday night – later than my normal – and I told Eric, “You know how I know I had a great time, when I think back to the night and realize I didn’t think about anything except what was happening right then and there.”

As I have been practicing mindfulness and gratitude more and more, I am noticing changes in me that make me SO grateful and excited to see what it next.

Friday night I went to a baby show of a cancer friend who is having a baby with a sergeant.  And from what she tells us of the woman carrying the child, you know this is a total God thing.  The way it all worked out, the joy in it all…love all around. It is truly amazing.

Saturday, we went to Ian’s soccer game, out to lunch and over to friends house that evening. It was so great to be able to get my mindset to be, “sure lets go for it” verses before I might say, eh, I did a lot today and I don’t want to push it. I am tired of not pushing it for certain things.

Sunday we went to look at what mom’s new house will look like once it is built, went to Hula Hutt and just hung out.

I laughed and enjoyed the moments of this weekend more than anything I can remember in a long time.

I used to be like this all the time, but then cancer was always hanging over my head.

I realize I am still in remission, I realize one day I might not be BUT I am not going to look at the day now…I won’t look at it until I have to, and what if I never have to look at it again?!?!


Who knows?

Friday, March 6, 2015

It all ties together - Negative self talk

Several friends emailed me to let me know my picture was used in a Huffington Post article:

Avoiding Negative Self-Talk: Why the Phrase 'F*ck Cancer' Is No Longer in My Vocabulary

After beaming about my picture being able to touch others, I sat down and read the article...it sounds like somethings I wrote: Dear You, but in a completely different way.

Like Joanna Montgomery, I too have been on the battle field multiple times, and like Joanna, I finally made peace with my self and my disease. 

I love her statement, "Why poke the bear?"

Why do we poke ourselves?  After all, we should be our biggest cheerleaders.

And her statement about cancer being a chronic illness with times of flair up, again I was just talking to a friend who has crohn's disease and we were saying how our diseases are more alike than not with. My friend and I now even text each other with self-loving thoughts throughout the week.

Self love is hard for me and takes constant reminders to myself of watch your tone, don't talk like that, use kind words - yes, I have to say these reminders to myself just like we say them to our children.





Sunday, March 1, 2015

Chemo chronicle 536

I really don't know what chemo number I am on...that number just popped my head.
If I really cared and wanted to, I could sit down and figure it out, But does it really matter if I am on 536 or 15, 253??  I guess I just answered my own question...it DOES matter because I want those chemo numbers to be high...means I am still alive and getting it OR they have found a vaccine that works...man, I really got off topic there.

The past 8 days have sucked big time. 
That migraine finally hit the road.
Then Thursday I had chemo and promptly felt like I was hit by another bus.

I got home from chemo at noon, took some medicine to help with the pukey feeling then passed out for a solid 6 hours.
Eric made me a grilled cheese, I ate and went right back to sleep until 8:30 the next morning.

My headache was back!
My freak out meter was raising quickly raising...I had been able to contain the freak out factor until now that my headache was back. 
I was trying to wall off the thoughts that my head hurts so bad because the tumor was back...I was trying SO hard.  
I went down the dark road a little bit.
I stepped over the line and planted my foot on the dark side for the rest of the afternoon...if I wasn't watching trashy TV, I was thinking my brain tumor was back.

Let me tell y'all what a SHITTY place this is to be.
I can logically talk myself out of this dark place, but I feel like the dark kind of takes over...for some reason right now trying to describe it I am thinking of Spider-man when the dark side took over him...or maybe I made that up?!?!

Then I finally called my doctor and had a headache RX called in, Eric went to get it and not even an hour later I was feeling great! 

WHY do I want so long to take medicine?  
WHY do I think I can power through all this??
WHY??
I don't know.