Serenity Prayer

The Serenity Prayer
 God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
 and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did,
this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him Forever in the next.

Amen - See more at: http://www.prayers-for-special-help.com/serenity-prayer.html#sthash.ogetGbv6.dpuf

I have a hard, HARD time this time every year.
I see all this pink crap everywhere and ask myself:

I caught mine early...the first time
I was 30, should they lower the mamo age?
Where does ALL this money from all this pink crap really go??
Does it go to actually help us with the disease or does it go to make more pretty crap to make others think this horrible disease called Breast Cancer is all pink and pretty??
If it does do to people with Breast Cancer, how hard it is for them to request money for help?
How do these companies decide who needs help?

If you look at me today, you would NOT see a Stage 4, Triple Negative Breast Cancer, who has had 3 (yes THREE) brain surgeries from Breast Cancer.

I hope you will see a 36 year old, mom, wife, daughter, sister, friend and pissed of fighter for what I believe is wrong with this whole scene.

But in that pissed offness, I still need to remember I was at that stage once also:
I had NO idea my stage 1 could become a Stage 4 diagnosis.
I had NO idea breast cancer usually moves to bone, brain, lungs and liver.

So yes, in these coming weeks I plan on doing my part to educate.

Sparkles

The day was perfect.

A few crisp white wispy clouds were painted in the ocean blue sky.

The temperature was hovering around a gentle degrees75.  Every time it got a little too warm a nice easy breeze would whisper through to remind everyone in the stands that this was a perfect day.

The stadium was packed to capacity with everyone there cheering on the two teams playing their hearts out against each other.

You could feel the energy from the players, the coaches, the fans, the everybody who was within the walls.

The energy was intense - It was magical to be a part of.

Everyone there felt like they were a part of the game being played. Each person was committed to his or her team – committed to the outcome of this game…committed to the passion that was flowing through the air.

Then it happened – it was inevitable – something had to happen to one of teams – each team could not go on playing a perfect game forever.

Because, they all are human after all.

But then just as quickly as the crowd started cheering their team on, that same crowd turned on their team as soon as a mistake was made.

The grumbles of dislike, of disappointment, of anger hung in the air like a black cloud.

Instead of support, the crowd was now giving constant disapproval for the team whom they were just madly in love with.

Just like that – one mistake…ONE mistake and the crowd was out.

Out of cheers.

Out  of praise for the team they had just loved so much a few seconds earlier.

Out of enjoyment watching the game because it was no longer going just as they thought it should.

She thought to herself : How sad.

How sad for the players who were trying their hardest.

Trying their hardest to win this game.

Win this game for themselves – the team – the fans.

How sad it was to see how easily the crowd gave up on them.

How sad it was to see how easily the fans  got angry at their beloved team -All because the game was no longer going their way.

The coach tried to regroup the team.

He tried to bring them back together to get back into the game.

But once one teammate lost hope, another one did, then another – it spread like a wildfire.

Anger, hopelessness, should haves, bitterness – it all spread from one person to another – just like that.

Just like a wildfire jumping from dry tree, to tree, to dry grass…jump jump jump. Before the team  knew what happened they were all trapped by this wall of fire.

And the other team knew this – they could  see defeat in their opponents’ actions – even more so in their eyes.

But one strong faithful soul told those feelings of defeat, fear, anger they had no place in his heart.

He looked at his teammates who had lost all hope. He looked at the crowd who saw nothing but disappoint playing on the field.

He looked at them all and saw God’s love wrapping them up – just as He actually was.

He felt this Love and passed it from teammate to teammate just like he was passing the ball to each one.

In an instant, the whole situation changed.

If you looked with your Heart, you could see little tiny shimmers of Love, Hope…God in every single person.

If you look with Heart, you can always see sparkles of Love, Hope, and God.

Quick Hi...

I am tired today from chemo yesterday and these lingering allergies.

So here are a few uplifting pictures for you...they get me through tough times, so I hope they will help you if you are in a tough time. If you aren't, say a prayer of gratitude for that.

http://joyfulmothering.net/3-reasons-to-pray-for-others-through-your-own-trials/

It reads:
Praying for others in YOUR brokenness is a selfless act of love.

When I see someone who lives on the street, not matter how bad I feel that day, I say prayers for them.



                               

    
https://www.etsy.com/listing/119109393/you-are-braver-than-you-believe-winnie?ref=sr_gallery_2&ga_search_query=inspirational+quote&ga_ref=auto3&ga_search_type=all&ga_view_type=gallery

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https://www.etsy.com/listing/191423569/inspirational-quote-print-maya-angelou?ref=sr_gallery_19&ga_search_query=inspirational+quote&ga_ref=auto3&ga_search_type=all&ga_view_type=gallery

 

Renee In CancerLand book snippet

Friday, February 13, 2009

One month later –

Since my very last chemo ever!

 

I continue to feel a little better every day but then I do too much and crash again. I had a crash Wednesday and Thursday night – I went to bed right after I put Ian down both nights, so around 7:45.

And my skin is flaking off and I have a few mouth sores – which suck big time. I am assuming this is happening because the dead skin is coming off but I don’t know for sure, I do know it isn’t fun. Even my lips are peeling – really, my lips, oh yes!

 

Oh, and my eyebrows and eye lashes are falling out now. My Dr. did say this was because they are slowing growing hair follicles; it takes longer for them to fall out – nice. I am not too concerned about the eye lashes, it is the eyebrows that I don’t want to go – I guess I can start penciling them in with funny expressions – like arched if I am feeling inquisitive one day!!

After seeing my oncologist last week I realized more of the impact of me being 100% pathologically recovered. She said it is something for me to be very grateful for being as only 20% of people responds that well to chemo – she gave me an A+!

 

I am also going to be seeing a nutritionist to figure out how to get sugar out of the ole diet. I know it sounds easy but man alive, anytime I tell myself I can’t have xyz, I SO want xyz. She was saying keeping my weight where it is or less – like 10 pounds less is where I need to be. Eric read something to the effect of someone who is obese has a 40% higher chance of developing cancer of some sort.

Not that I am obese, I do recognize I have belly fat which is the worst kind of fat to have. But I did get doctor’s orders to not even think about this aspect of it until after we get back from the cruise. She told me to eat and drink until my heart’s delight – um, OK!!

I go see my radiation Dr. on the 24th. I am not sure if I will start radiation that day or soon after. Honestly, I hope I start that day to get my 6 weeks rolling and finished. I have to get radiation still to "mop the floor" of any possible lingering cells. And no I don’t want to get radiation for 6 weeks but I would so much rather do this now then have to go through all the other stuff I went through again.

 

No time

Do you have friends in your life that you rarely talk to on the phone, but when you do you are whisked away to those days that hold great memories of the two of you? And better yet, when you do talk - even if it had been more than 10 years, it seemed like you just talked last week?

I have those relationships with a lot of people in my life, and I know I am truly blessed to be able to stay in touch with so many people from all stages of my life.

I talked to a great friend yesterday who I used to work with at the bank. We didn't just work together, we were great friends...we laughed together (we actually got in trouble a few times at work for this!), we hung out, we brought each other into our lives outside of work.

Just like many friendships, life happened - I moved away, she moved away, married, kids - you get it.

But she needed some advice on a project she is working on for Survivors and needed to ask me my opinions on what she was planning.

When I called her back, I just said her name and we knew it was each other. I could hear the smile in her voice and I hope she could hear mine.

I LOVE that I have these connections still. I LOVE that through Facebook we are able to stay in touch with people from all seasons in our lives.

Midweek Love - Bible Study

I have had several people ask me about my Bible study, so I thought I will start doing a Wednesday post dedicated to it.

Right now I am using Jesus Calling 365 Daily Devotions forKids.

I mix it up between the kid one and the adult one. Sometimes the kid one speaks easier to my heart…that is a kind way of saying I can wrap my head around kid stuff easier!

I also just got a Journaling Bible…LOVE IT. It has room to write in the margins. I doodle little love notes to God while I am studying it.

If you follow me on Instagram @reneeincancerland I post pictures of my daily bible study from my Journaling Bible.

Moving on…

Today's lesson was:

Depend on the Lord. Trust him, and he will take care of you. –Psalm 37:5

1 Peter 5:6-7 Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time, he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on hi, because he cares for you.

I had to ask Eric a few things about this, but I see now…we aren’t meant to praise ourselves for what we do…He will praise up.

But there is a flip side to this – please let me know your thoughts…how am I (who is trying to get my book done and my art to be noticed) supposed to go about this?

I do NOT like to talk about it, but if I am not, will anyone?

Will He talk about it to who it needs to be talked about to at the right time?

So yes, this is a hard one for me.

I trust 99% that He is taking care of it…even if it is not on MY timeline. The other 1%, I find myself wanting to do more, to step in, to speed it up…but I know in my heart I am not supposed to.

What are your thoughts on this?
How do you sit back and wait?

Groves

I went to see my brain oncologist for him to go over my MRI from a few weeks ago.

Luckily I had already talked to Dr. H about the results because and she had talked to him, so there was no new news for me going into this appointment.

There are 2 tiny areas that light up. I asked him if that could be from radiation overflow and he said that was a great way to describe it!

We agreed we will call it radiation overflow for now being as I am improving overall – my coordination is much better, I ate we chop sticks today! (something I could NOT have done a year ago), my walking and balance are all improving, and I just feel so much better in general.

He said that is good enough for him!

That is something SO great about all my doctors – they know I always tell them the truth so they truly trust me when I say I am feeling good.

He totally makes me laugh though…he noticed my new glasses and new shoes and told me how great they are. He notices that details that make up life as life and not just life with cancer.

I told him about my book and he smiled ear to ear and said he couldn’t wait for it and he was happy for me.

I am happy for me too.

 

Renee In Canccerland book snippet

Three Little Words – March 15, 2011

 

You have cancer

WHAT THE F*CK!?!?

Remember to breathe.

It’s breast cancer.

It is small.

It’s stage one.

Whole world spins

chemo, surgery, radiation.

You’re done!

Celebrate, cheer, love!

One year goes by,

you’re still clean!

Two years later,

you look great!

Approaching 3 years…

off the anti-depressants…

Abnormal CT scan…

F*CK F*CK F*CK!!!

In the lungs

All is unknown…

scared, pissed, sad…

Ready to fight!

Be bald again.

Ask for help.

Ask for prayers…

Cry, laugh, love.

 

Present day: September 15, 2014
As things continue to unfold I feel myself getting very excited. I am not going to lie though, it is scary to get this excited...I have been this excited before only to get sick again.
But still I am excited...excited about what is in store for me...excited about ways I am being showed to help others...excited about life.

Mad

I have always been one to get pissed off if someone is getting the shaft on something...I get mad even when the person getting the shaft doesn't get mad.

And when it comes to my family or friends...well, I say just don't mess with them.
No, I am not going to beat you up but I might throw a few nasty looks your way...yes, I am THAT tough!!

But when the only person to be mad at is God, it gets hard.

Just like when anyone tells me a story, I realize I am only getting one side of the story. I know I couldn't comprehend God's side, but it don't make it easier.

A friend of a friend got thrown into Cancerland with us not very long ago.
She got put in hospice the other day.

I can say I am confessed at why this happened to her so early on...or hell, even at all.
I am sad for her family.
I am pissed at cancer.
I question what God is doing with this stuff.
Why doesn't He make her better like He has me?
Why does a thirty something year old have to go into hospice?
Why?

Cancerland is not a fun place to live, but while I am here on earth I am praying for strength, love and understanding.

Surreal

It is more than amazing how things are just falling into place for us lately.
It really isn't all that amazing when I think of how I have been praying for this for so long... It is just amazing to be able to sit back and watch all of God's plans unfold.

I have gotten a request to sell my art at a pretty big church art fair in November.

So I thought why not? With my book being done I need a project and me being able to dive into painting is so healing in ways I can't describe.

I get to a place where I am free...free from everything. Problems, not feeling good, inner criticism...And it just flows and it is like I am sitter at a table with angels.

Renee In Cancerland book snippet

Present Day:

I have gone back and forth with myself on how to actually start this book.

I mean let’s face it, this is my first rodeo here.

I have gotten advice on how I should approach writing this book – but when I look at me, at who I really am – I knew from the beginning I wouldn’t be taking any of that advice.

Will that come back to bite?  I guess there is only one way to know – Do it!

I never intended to write a book – well I guess I never intended to have Stave 4 Breast cancer either.

This book has been 6 years in the making. At 30 years old, I thought I was going to be raising children, strengthening a marriage and doing my part in the community.  However, at 30, I found myself beginning the battle of my life.

I was thrown the cancer card.

 

 

 

Living with stage 4 cancer, stage 4 breast cancer, living with stage 4 breast cancer, stage 4 cancer, breast cancer, living with metastatic cancer, mom with cancer, wife with cancer, Renee In Cancerland,

2 years

We haven't been able to go to church for the past 2 years due to my health in one way or another.

At first I just felt like shit all the time.
Then I had 3 brain surgeries - when I wasn't recovering from a traumatic surgery, I was dealing with depression and anxiety and the just thought of being around large groups of people could make me spiral down.

It wasn't that I didn't want to - I wanted to go and be folded up in all the love that was there - I just couldn't. I couldn't make my mind believe what my heart knew.

My mind didn't care that my heart was hurting.

As always, I believe God has a hand in everything.
The lesson today was titled Seeking the Sacred in the Ordinary, at Unity Church of the Hills in Austin.

Our pastor spoke of seeing God, love, Jesus, the Kingdom - whatever you want to call it - he spoke of seeing God in everything. And I mean everything.

Then I heard my heart tell me, it is my daily job to look for the gifts in my day and share. He told me that is my job - to share.

I think I have lost my art of sharing daily because I am so focused in the big goals - Renee In Cancerland and Etsy to sell art.

I need to bring my attention back to the Kingdom of heaven is at hand.
Luke 17:21 - Neither shall they say, ‘Lo, it is here!’ or ‘Lo, it is there!’ For behold, the Kingdom of God is within you.”
To me that means - it is here, within me, within you, within us all.

I wrote down, "today is your song - stop rehearsing - just sing."

Today it is my job to see God in all - even the plan ole boring stuff.

Renee In Cancerland Book snippet

The Knock…

knowing the sound

of the Knock

that Precious knock

knowing all I needed to do

was open the door

the door that seemed

to have been bolted shut

for way too long


The door…

I admit

I have cracked it open -

just a sliver…

a small sliver

from time to time

always

too afraid

to fling it open

wide open -

not knowing

what was on

the other side

but

the Knock continued

day and night -

always

some days

it would drive me crazy –

I would try anything

to make it stop

other days

I would entertain

the idea

of possibly

maybe

opening

The door.

one day…

my heart won

the battle of the day

I let my heart

have its way

I let my heart

open the door –

I was tired

tired of fighting…

fighting

to keep

the door closed

to keep

my heart in the dark

to keep

me where I was…

 

A light so bright

Joy so intense

Peace so calming

Love so burning

was on the other side

God smiled at me

and said,

I’ve been waiting…

for you

Life

I have been tired...too tired for my own good.

But it is a good tired because it is from doing things - just too many things.

I started taking a Pilates class on T/Th. Once I am used to this, I want to add bike riding into the mix.
I have a few yoga DVDs that I want to add to the to-do list as well...again, I am working toward all that.

We had a busy weekend that I am still recovering from.
I always forget how long it takes me to recover when I over do it.

I did make it to Pilates yesterday, and have been editing Renee In Cancerland like a crazy women. Who knew the editing part was harder than the writing part?!?! NOT me!

I am noticing more energy with me eating better, SO that is a good thing.

I am STILL trying to get my crap organized for my Etsy store. I think I need to just get the book edits done first, then move on.

OH, I started a new Angel class. I love it.

I just ordered a new journaling Bible. I can't wait to get this! I found it while looking on Instagram.
This will be a fun way for me to do Bible study.